Morbid Humour
by C.B. Magique
Summary: In a desperate but badly thought out attempt to bring back Sasuke, Naruto ends up bringing back more than he'd ever hoped to. Chapter 14: Itachi returns to Konoha with astonishing information, but the world still won't be perfect for a long time.
1. Chapter 1

this is just something to keep you company while my other Naruto fic is coming along. I finished this one a while ago but decided to upload it because Saturn's Rings is going nowhere right now and since school is giving me heaps of work to do, especially homework, it doesn't look like it will be finished this year, which is a real shame cuz I really want to get that story out of the way and work on something else. At the very least, this is some entertainment from me for the year. It's really just an experiment to challenge other mpreg fics that I noticed were really crappy and see if I could do it better.

I'm sure you may notice some incnsitencies throughout the duration of this story, but as Greene said: "I'm writing a story, not a piece of history" (or something along those lines). It's not really too much of a concern as to which events occured where and this is just fanfiction anyway.

**Disclaimer:** for future reference - I don't actually own Naruto although I could probably formulate an elaborate debate to convince you otherwise... but I won't.

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* * *

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**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter One: The Morning After**

Naruto watched from the high tree branch he was crouched on. Sasuke was right beneath him and a few metres away from the tree at a small, crystal clear stream washing his face. The blood of an enemy was washed into the stream, destroying the beautiful clarity of the water. His clothes were stained with that blood as well so when he was done with his face he took off his shirt and started to wash that too.

Naruto had to move but he knew that if he did Sasuke would definitely see him… then he would be chased. So he sat still and silent (wouldn't Sasuke laugh at the thought of Naruto – the number one loudmouth, idiotic ninja – still and silent?) He wasn't even supposed to be there—escorting a Daimyo back to his country after the Chuunin Exams and returning promptly did not somehow involve running off to spy on a Konoha missing nin. At the moment he was AWOL.

"_Damn this all to Hell,"_ Naruto thought bitterly. _"What am I even doing here? Sasuke isn't coming back to Konoha."_ He decided that sitting still and silent could go and get screwed, he was out of there. He jumped from the branch he was on and landed silently on the ground behind the tree out of Sasuke's line of sight should he turn around.

A kunai grazed the edge of the tree trunk and hit another tree behind it. Naruto gasped.

"Come out and show yourself," Sasuke demanded. "If you don't I'll kill you where you stand."

While Sasuke spoke loudly and clearly Naruto performed a transformation jutsu. Hopefully it was quiet and without a lot of smoke… and hopefully, Naruto had done it right.

Sasuke blinked. A cute girl at about thirteen or fourteen years of age came out from behind the tree. She was wearing an orange short-sleeved shirt and orange and black shorts. She had bright blue eyes and blonde hair tied up in a single, high ponytail. She wasn't wearing a hitai-atae but she had a ninja equipment pack and a kunai holder on her right leg. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at that.

"Were you sent here to kill me?" he asked.

"N-no!" she stammered in a sweet, quiet voice. Sasuke harrumphed. She couldn't have been sent to kill him, she was too timid. Unless she was a decoy used to make him drop his guard.

"Where are your comrades hiding?"

"W-what comrades?"

She was either stupid or a complete disaster that her village wanted to get rid of if she didn't have backup. Sasuke looked around. He couldn't sense any chakra signatures hidden in the trees so it must have been true that she was alone. He smirked.

"What the hell do you think you're doing out here all alone?"

"Um…" Naruto didn't know what he was supposed to say as Sasuke started to approach him shirtless. He just knew that he had to keep up the disguise. It didn't seem that Sasuke knew it was him.

Sasuke grabbed the girl by the shoulders roughly and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. Naruto gasped. What the hell was Sasuke doing? One of Sasuke's hands slipped under the girl's shirt and up to her breast. She wasn't wearing a bra but her boobs weren't very impressive anyway. Naruto shivered under Sasuke's touch.

"Are you enjoying this?"

Naruto looked up into Sasuke's eyes and saw a horrid glint in lustful eyes. _"Holy shit! He's not going to rape me, is he?"_ wondered Naruto inwardly. Although it would make some sense. Sasuke had been running around with Orochimaru for the past two and half years with few to no females in sight and it wasn't like he was going to get down and do it with Orochimaru or Kabuto. It was only normal for an isolated teenager to be horny.

Sasuke crushed his lips down onto the girl's in a forceful kiss. His thumb teased her nipple until it hardened. Naruto felt heat rushing to his head and his groin. He knew he had to concentrate and not let the transformation fall apart. He gasped and moaned. It felt really good in a really bad way.

Sasuke's erection bumped into Naruto's crotch. Naruto gasped in surprise and looked down at the tent in his former friend's pants. Sasuke's smirk widened as his hands reached down to undo both pairs of pants. He slipped his hands into the girl's underwear and rubbed her vagina erotically. Naruto shuddered but moaned. Sasuke pushed his victim against the nearby tree and positioned his member at her entrance. He didn't bother beating around the bush, he just thrust. The girl moaned in pain at first but her hymen seemed to have already been broken. Sasuke thought nothing of it. An innocent girl like this one who seemed to be a bit lost was an easy target for many. Sasuke thrust fast and hard, earning pleasured moans and gasps from the girl even though the angle was a bit awkward. He kissed her neck and bit down on certain spots of his choice to lick and suck. The girl hissed at the sharp pains in her neck.

Naruto's eyes suddenly widened. Why was he enjoying this? This was _gross_! He was being fucked off his feet by his ex-best friend. Yet he couldn't push away now. It might throw Sasuke off and make him suspicious.

With a satisfied grunt Sasuke came inside of the girl. Between concentrating enough to keep his genjutsu up and trying not to show that he was freaking out about being raped by Sasuke Naruto hadn't even nearly reached his climax. Sasuke pulled out, leaving Naruto's desire unfulfilled but wasn't that just like Sasuke. He only cared about his own desire.

Sasuke adjusted his pants, not even bothering to help that poor girl fix herself up. Her feet hit the ground and she fell to the side. Sasuke stared down at her impassively. She lay on her back looking shocked and shaken. A twinge of pity made him decide to put her out of her misery. It wasn't worth letting that girl live to wander around getting raped and used. He unsheathed his katana and held it above his head. Naruto's eyes widened when he saw the sword. He was going have his head severed.

The blade fell and Naruto moved in the nick of time. It was enough time to save his head but as he pulled his pants and up and ran away he had to hold a long gash above his hips.

Sasuke watched the girl go. There wasn't much point in running after her. If she wanted to live then so be it.

* * *

Naruto ran back to camp. He dropped his genjutsu and shook Sakura's tent. Instead of Sakura coming out of her tent, Sai came out of his. He and Naruto stared at each other for a while. Sai raised an eyebrow and looked at the gash Naruto was holding. He tried to suppress his laughter but the giggles came out anyway. He could only stop himself from laughing harder.

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "What are you laughing at?"

"I didn't know you were pregnant," Sai said. His giggles turned into laughter at Naruto's confused look. Yamato decided that he'd pretend to sleep to see how the scene would play out. "Although it does explain some important details like why you don't have a penis!"

Naruto's face turned red with anger. "I do so have a penis!" he yelled.

"Naruto, what are you yelling about?" Sakura muttered, crawling out of her tent. "Is it already time to switch shifts?" She looked at the gash under Naruto's belly and also burst into a fit of giggles. "Naruto, I didn't know you were pregnant."

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked with a look of clear confusion on his face. That just made Sakura laugh harder.

"You look like you just had a C-section!"

Naruto's confused expression intensified. "What's a C-section?"

"Pregnant women get their babies cut out of their stomachs because they can't give birth properly," Sai replied.

Naruto's face lit up with an embarrassing blush. He glared at Sai. "I don't care what it looks like! Sakura, I just want it stitched before my guts fall out."

"Or your baby," Sai added. Sakura and Sai went into another fit of giggles.

After much yelling, giggling and joking about Naruto's gender confusion Sakura eventually got around to getting out the first aid kit and finding a sterile needle and thread. She began to wonder about Naruto's wound as she stitched it carefully. It was straight and clean and deep enough to really be a C-section. No tree branch could have done it.

"Naruto, how'd you get this injury?" Sakura asked.

Naruto pursed his lips. Should he tell her the truth? "I met up with Sasuke…"

Sakura paused and gasped. "Sasuke was here?!"

Naruto shook his head. "I went looking for him."

"You did what?" exclaimed Sakura. "Naruto, you shouldn't have. You were supposed to be keeping guard anyway. I can't believe you left your post to go looking for Sasuke again."

Naruto didn't need to look to see the tears prickling her eyes. Sai just stood back and watched the scene impassively. "I couldn't help myself. I had to find him. There must be some hope to bring him back."

"Naruto…" Sakura said with a cracking voice. "Just… don't… okay?"

Naruto didn't nod or shake his head. He just stared at the stars above.

"It's better for all of us this way."

This time Naruto shook his head. _"No matter how we try to kid ourselves, it's better the way it was before."

* * *

_

Early the next morning team Yamato set off to continue their return trip to the Hidden Village of Konoha. They made good time and arrived two days later within the deadline. Their return journey was uninterrupted and fairly carefree but with an eerie, pregnant (if that's not too redundant) silence between them. When they got back to the village Tsunade commended them for a job well done and told them to not look so down – the selfish Daimyo couldn't have been that bad to work with. They all got paid a heftily and they were all in one piece so there wasn't anything to cry about. The team decided to keep one small detail to themselves.

After all was said and done the team went their separate ways but Naruto offered to walk Sakura home. They proceeded at a rather slow pace due to Naruto's wound and in silence. Naruto wracked his brain for something to talk about or at least something to say. Sakura's eyes were downcast, indicating her upset mood. Naruto just didn't know what to say. Every time he tried to think up a topic his mind went back to Sasuke and the event that took place. He shuddered involuntarily at some point, catching Sakura's attention.

"Naruto, is there something wrong?" she asked.

Naruto turned to her in surprise but shook his head. "No, there's no problem."

"You don't look sure. Is there something you need to talk about?"

Naruto shivered but shook his head regardless. "My injury just hurts, that's all."

Sakura nodded as if she understood but didn't believe him for a second. "Well, if you ever do have something you need to get off your chest you know I'm always there for you, right?"

Naruto nodded. He then shook his head as a wave of nausea ran through him. Sakura looked at him confusedly. "Naruto? Are you sure you're well?" She forced him to stop where they stood and put a hand against his forehead. "You feel a bit warm. You might have a fever. It's probably just a cold, though."

"Yeah," Naruto said expressionlessly. He suddenly had to cough so he covered his mouth so as not to disgust Sakura. Bile was rising into his throat, he could already taste it. His stomach cramped and his legs suddenly felt weak. He fell to his knees and doubled over. With a heave he vomited on the road. The nausea hit him again even worse when he threw up a second time.

Sakura gasped. "Naruto, you're sick! We should get you home… or to a clinic or hospital, whatever's closer." She rubbed his back soothingly while he hurled. He suddenly leaned to the side and fainted.

"Naruto!" screamed Sakura. "Someone help! Call an ambulance, he's really sick."

Sakura looked around desperately for anyone who would help. She saw some older people peek out of their windows and doors but shut them upon seeing that it was Naruto. "The demon brat deserves to die," some of them muttered under their breaths as they tuned out of Sakura's cries for help. Only one little girl who only appeared to be about six or seven years old continued to stare from her doorstep. Sakura ran up to her.

"Hey, are your parents home?"

The girl shook her head.

"Well, do you have a phone?"

The girl nodded.

"That's all I need. Thank-you," Sakura said quickly and rushed into the girl's house.

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes to the familiar white ceiling of the hospital. His head was pounding and he felt so tired. He couldn't remember what had happened to him, he didn't even remember ever falling asleep. There were voices in the distance, familiar voices. They chatted lightly but with a damp heaviness upon them.

"Tsunade-sama, what's the matter with Naruto?" That sounded like Sakura.

"I don't know. He tests concluded that there are no stomach viruses. It probably has something to do with that wound of his. Where did he get it?" That was probably Tsunade.

"I-I don't know."

"He's probably sick because you didn't stitch it properly, ugly. You are such a poor medic." Sai… obviously.

"SAI!!!"

"Sakura! Tell me how he got that wound."

"I told you, I don't know."

"And I don't believe you for a second."

"Tsunade-sama, you don't know for sure that she's lying." That voice sounded like Shizune's.

"It's simple, Tsunade." Naruto turned his head to see Sai speaking. "Naruto couldn't hold his baby in so it called for an emergency operation." The room went silent for a minute. Then the occupants started to giggle.

"Fuck you, Sai," Naruto said.

"Aw, awake so soon, Sleeping Beauty? I didn't even get my kiss," Sai teased.

Naruto glared at him. "Go find some gay prostitute to fuck with. Leave me alone."

"Cool it, Naruto," Tsunade snapped. "Where'd you get that wound from?"

Naruto was taken aback with bemusement for a while before he realized that Tsunade was talking about the gash. There was no point in lying to Tsunade. "During the mission, I ran into Sasuke."

Tsunade didn't react to that but Shizune's jaw dropped. "S-Sasuke!" she exclaimed.

Tsunade turned to Naruto's team mates. "Did you know about this?" she asked sternly. Sai immediately nodded but Sakura remained hesitant. Tsunade didn't repeat her question. She glared at the side of Sakura's head that was turned to face the adjacent wall. Sakura could feel Tsunade's glare on her and the expectant stares of everyone waiting for an answer as if they were as tangible as a thick, heavy fog.

Sakura shut her eyes and nodded. She knew it was stupid but with her eyes shut she almost felt like she couldn't feel the guilt of feeling like she was betraying the trust of a friend… like Naruto.

Ton-ton snuffled in Shizune's arms. Tsunade sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Naruto's lucky to escape with nothing but that."

Naruto hoped to God that that was really all he escaped with.

* * *

Over the course of the next few weeks Naruto wasn't feeling his best. He woke up with his healing wound aching and the urge to vomit. Sometimes when he vomited he would suddenly wake up on his bathroom floor and realize that he'd fainted. He'd been losing his appetite, especially in the morning after vomiting. Some days he just didn't eat altogether. As a result of the peculiar new eating habits he lost a lot of weight in the space of just one month but his belly was starting to swell slightly. He was severely lacking in chakra and so he put up a pathetic effort in training and missions everyday. Eventually, it started to get on Yamato's nerves.

At the end of one training session he grabbed Naruto by the shoulder and demanded to know what was going on. Sakura watched on worriedly. Sai watched on impassively.

"Naruto, do I look like a fool to you?" Yamato said. Naruto turned away. "I want to know what's wrong with you. If you're sick don't train and don't waste my time, it's as simple as that."

"I'm not sick… I swear."

"But Naruto," Sakura piped up. "Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? You've lost so much weight it can't possibly be healthy."

"Naruto, I'm demanding the truth!" Yamato pulled his 'scary face' at Naruto. Naruto cringed under the glare.

"I… I haven't been feeling well."

"No shit," Sai muttered.

Naruto was about to loudly retort until pain suddenly bloomed in his belly. It felt like there was a vice around his waist that would continue tightening until his guts were blown out through his head. Naruto put his arms around his stomach and fell to his knees. His back was aching and his loins felt like they were on fire. Naruto bent over so far that his forehead was resting on the ground. His breath became fast and shallow. Naruto didn't see the concerned looks of his team and he didn't feel the hands of Sakura and Yamato lifting him up. His eyes were tightly shut as if that would drown out the pain but that only made it feel worse with most of his senses now dulled. He would have rather been beheaded by Sasuke than feel this pain.

* * *

Naruto woke up in hospital yet again. He looked around at the room he was in. There was an IV drip stuck into the crook of his left elbow. He was connected to a full life support system with a heart monitor beeping healthily. He turned his head to look up at the white ceiling above him and languidly brought his right hand up to block the offending light. A shadow was suddenly above him, blocking out the light so that he didn't have to shield himself. His hand returned to his side and he looked up at the face shadowing his. The brown-haired boy above him grinned.

"Hokage-sama, he's awake!"

"Oh, that's good," Tsunade said.

"Konohamaru?" Naruto mumbled.

"I went to see you at your house but there was no one there," Konohamaru explained. "So I went looking for you until I found Shizune in the Hokage tower and she told me you'd been in hospital since yesterday."

"Since yesterday?" Naruto wondered. "What happened to me?"

"I'll explain it to you simply," Tsunade said. Naruto turned to face her. She was reading off her notes and test results from a clipboard. "You almost had a miscarriage."

"Oh… a miscarriage. That must have been why it hurt so much." Naruto suddenly did a double take on what Tsunade had just said. "Hey, Tsunade-baa-chan, what's a miscarriage?"

"It's when a pregnant woman gives birth in early pregnancy while her baby is still developing, resulting in stillbirth – which is the birth of a dead baby – and don't call me an old lady like that!" the current Hokage explained. "However, we were able to save your baby."

Naruto couldn't yet place it but there was something wrong with the words Tsunade had just used.

"We weren't able to remove the foetus though," the Godaime continued. "I thought about giving you an abortion but I wasn't going to risk it since that wound from a month ago had opened up."

"An abortion is what pregnant women go to get when they don't want to have their babies, right?" Naruto guessed. Tsunade nodded brightly to confirm that right. Naruto's expression twisted up so much that Konohamaru thought he was going to be sick. He yanked the IV out of his arm and sped past Tsunade and Konohamaru, heading for the hospital roof.

Tsunade sighed. "It took him long enough."

Konohamaru became confused. "What took him long enough?"

Throughout the entire village an enormous cry of: "Holy shit!! I'm pregnant!" could be heard.

Naruto leaned against the roof fencing and slumped to the ground in a sad state of sudden depression. He let his eyes fall to the space between his knees and felt hot tears prickling his eyeballs. "I can't believe it, I'm pregnant. Why didn't I stop to think that this sort of thing would happen? I knew I should have just pushed him off. Now I'm pregnant with Sasuke's baby," he muttered.

Konohamaru found Naruto amongst the neat rows of drying sheets and ran up to him excitedly. "Hey, Naruto!"

"I'm pregnant… I can't believe I'm- wait!" Naruto's head snapped up and he had a very annoyed expression on his face. "I think Tsunade-baa-chan just tricked me! Boys can't get pregnant!"

Naruto stood up with a sudden uplift in his mood. He laughed whole-heartedly at himself. "Geez, I'm such an idiot for believing her too. Well, Konohamaru, I'm going to go back down and give Tsunade-baa-chan a piece of my mind. It was nice to see you again."

"Wait, Godaime-sama wanted me to tell you something."

"If it's an apology I'd much rather hear it from her."

"It's not that," Konohamaru said almost childishly. "She said as soon as you figure out that males can't have babies she wants you to know that you are seriously pregnant."

* * *

SasuNaru mpreg crap... I'm sure you really don't need any more of it but if you do have a sick or morbid sense of humour and want to read about something really controversial near the end just let me know if you liked it. However, you should expect updates to be sparodic. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Morbid Humour **

**Chapter Two: Your Fatal Loins**

Naruto expected people to laugh at him when they found out but nobody laughed. They were all surprisingly kind and sympathetic with his situation even though male pregnancy only occurred when pigs grew wings and learned to fly.

"I don't understand," Naruto said as Shizune coaxed him back into bed. "It's impossible, right?"

"It's supposed to be," Tsunade replied. "But you look like a very special case in a very special situation. I suspect that it's also going to be a one-off thing, so if something goes wrong and the baby dies this first time you don't get another chance."

Naruto furrowed his eyebrows in anxiety. He didn't know why but there was a little fluttering in his stomach and a tightening in the chest followed by a skipped beat of the heart when Tsunade said that. There was something about that sentence that Naruto didn't enjoy hearing. He suddenly became frightened. There was a little _thing_ growing in his stomach that he would have carry around for a painful nine months and then somehow get it out of his system. He didn't find that idea very appealing but he didn't like the idea that any little mistake he made could kill somebody – or at least a_potential_ somebody.

Shizune saw the worry in Naruto's face and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Naruto," she said kindly, "we're going to help as best we can. I'm not sure how much we can do though. There are going to be a lot of issues." Shizune's face hardened slightly as she put on a serious look.

"Yeah," Tsunade instantly agreed. "Like first of all, you're male. Your body wasn't made to give birth or carry babies so I can predict so many complications already. It'll be interesting to see how the baby sits on your pelvis and there will be spinal anomalies in your lower back region so it's crucial for the weight to be distributed evenly and centred."

"What if it's not?" Naruto asked out of curiosity.

"Then you'll end up with a spinal deformity. The baby might also have a tough time growing in a male body however that shouldn't be a big problem and I doubt that the baby's growth will be too stunted."

"What about Akatsuki?" Shizune proposed.

"I was getting there," the Godaime replied.

Naruto groaned. The Akatsuki was the last thing he needed on his tail. If they found out that he was pregnant there would definitely be complications on Konoha's side. An S-rank criminal would jump at the chance to get their hands on a sixteen-year-old, pregnant boy and murder him for the demon fox inside. Tsunade could see by the look on Naruto's face that he already understood the problems in that category.

"There's also one more thing, it'll be hard for you to get around, you'll need a low profile," Tsunade added. Naruto looked up and gave her a look of startled confusion. Tsunade saw that and rolled her eyes. "You idiot! Do you expect people to look at you and say; 'Ooh, look; a pregnant boy. How interesting'? It's not exactly the normal thing and you should already know that there aren't many people in Konoha who want anything to do with something spawned by you. We might have to send you incognito or something."

"Um, Tsunade-sama, what about Suna?" suggested Shizune. "He could stay there undercover until the baby arrives. Gaara-sama and his siblings can take very good care of him seeing as Gaara is the Kazekage and all."

"What did I just say about keeping a low profile? Naruto shouldn't move out and about a lot and moving between Suna and Konoha is moving out and about a lot. Besides, Akatsuki already possess knowledge of that area: the terrain, the roads and the towns; they know it all!"

"But they wouldn't be hanging around Suna anymore," Shizune pressed. "They've already taken the Ichibi from Gaara so why would they hang around?"

"However, Shizune, they're on the boarders of Fire Country. They'll see everyone and everything that moves in and out of the country, even the ants. Naruto would never get past them."

"What if he was dressed up as a girl?"

Naruto shot up into a sitting position. "What?"

"A girl?" Tsunade repeated. "Naruto wouldn't even know how to look like a girl, let alone act like one."

"Hey! You're talking about the famous inventor of the _sexy no jutsu_!" Naruto retorted, pointing at Tsunade.

"Lie down, Naruto; you might cause yourself another miscarriage. But seriously, we need a solution."

"I'm not too worried," Naruto suddenly said.

"You were worried a minute ago!" snapped Tsunade.

"Hey, I've got people who care about me here to look after me. I've got Sakura, Kakashi, Iruka and you and Shizune who care about me the most. It'll be alright."

Tsunade sighed. "You only say that now…" she said, unable to keep anxiousness from creeping into her thoughts.

* * *

Naruto was discharged from the hospital late that evening. He decided it was time for some real food, not hospital food or nutrients out of an IV drip… it was time for Ichiraku's Ramen!

On his way to the ramen stand Naruto passed by the Ninja Academy. The young ninja-to-be walked out of school happily talking about what they were going to do on the weekend and how to put off homework to the last minute in the best possible way. Naruto sighed and kept walking.

"Hey, Naruto," someone said with a tap on his shoulder. Naruto turned around. Iruka was there grinning at him. "You look really down today. Is something the matter?"

Naruto contemplated telling him the truth right then and there but he was stopped by the thought of his poor ex-teacher fainting in front of kids who would poke him with the nearest stick they could find. Instead Naruto shook his head.

Iruka tried to contemplate Naruto's distressed state of mind. His former student looked like the world had just dropped a ton of bricks on him. He couldn't remember very many times when Naruto had looked so down in the dumps but he did know one sure-fire way to cheer him up. "Hey, how about we go to Ichiraku's for dinner? It'll be my treat."

Just as he'd thought, Naruto instantly smiled and jumped at the invitation. "Yeah!"

* * *

Naruto grinned as his order of extra large pork and chicken ramen was placed in front of him. He leaned over to take a huge whiff of the contents of his bowl. It made Iruka smile at the fact that Naruto was looking like his usual cheery self. Iruka thanked the old man for his meal once his miso ramen was placed in front of him and picked up a pair of wooden chopsticks.

Naruto followed suit. "Thanks for treating me, Iruka-sensei," he said. "Itadakimasu!" he exclaimed as he snapped his chopsticks.

Iruka just smiled. "It's fine Naruto, just don't eat so much today. I don't want to go broke. Itadakimasu." Iruka also snapped his chopsticks and started to slurp some noodles. That's when he noticed that he was the only one slurping. He turned to Naruto, finding that the young ninja wasn't jumping into his food with his reguar gusto. Naruto stared at his food for a little bit and then picked up a piece of chicken and popped it in his mouth. He chewed on it slowly and then picked up a small amount of noodles. He slurped them up quietly and slowly. Iruka finished off the noodles he had in his mouth and stared at Naruto worriedly. "Naruto, are you alright?"

Naruto finished off another mouthful of noodles and looked up at Iruka. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"Well, you're just not getting into your ramen that way you used to. Did you move on and find something better to eat without letting me know?"

Naruto laughed and shook his head. "No way! Ramen is always going to be the best. It's just that…" Naruto's mood fell again, "I haven't been feeling well lately. I've lost my appetite a little bit."

"Is it something you want to talk about? If it's the flu or a stomach bug I have medicine at home that will help cure it," Iruka offered. "Or if it's not that, was it your mission? Did you fail?"

"No, it's not like that at all," Naruto replied. He hopped back into his ramen, a little bit more quickly than before but was still lacking his usual enthusiasm.

Iruka turned back to his own bowl and the next part of the meal was carried out in silence. Iruka ate more slowly now, thinking about what could possibly bug Naruto so badly that he couldn't even tell one of the people closest to him. While he was thinking, Naruto was wondering why he couldn't tell Iruka: one of the few people closest to him.

"_Maybe,"_ he thought, _"I'm still finding this hard to swallow myself. I still don't quite believe that I'm pregnant."_

After five whole minutes of complete silence Iruka sighed. "Naruto, I don't think I'll be able to sleep easy tonight if I know there's something wrong that you can't tell me," he said sincerely. "It'll just keep eating me away. What if it kills you?"

"Iruka, it's fine. I already know that it won't kill me," Naruto said.

"Then why can't you tell me what's wrong?"

Ayame was sitting behind the counter waiting for a new customer. She got up and moved to the back room when she sensed a very private conversation coming on, smiling at Naruto as she went. Naruto gave her an appreciative nod of thanks and looked back down at his ramen. "It's a little bit hard to explain…"

"You know you can trust me to understand."

Naruto nodded and prepared himself to drop the big bombshell. "Iruka-sensei… I'm pregnant."

Another five minutes passed that consisted solely of Naruto staring at his food and picking at it and Iruka staring at him wide-eyed with shock. Naruto was too embarrassed to look his former teacher in the face. Instead he ate some of his pork pieces. Iruka snickered. Naruto looked up to see Iruka giggling as if he'd just heard a funny joke.

"That's very funny, Naruto, but I was serious when I said I wanted to know what was wrong."

Naruto looked back at him incredulously. "You mean you don't believe me?" he exclaimed, although in his mind he was shouting,_"Of course you don't believe me! What sane person would?"_ "It's true!"

"Naruto, how can I believe that you're pregnant?" Iruka sniggered. "Pregnancy can only occur in females, or did I forget to teach you that in school?"

"Yes, I know that boys can't get pregnant but believe me, I really am!" Naruto desperately pleaded for Iruka to believe him. He needed his former teacher's support or he would have any last resort to turn to if things took a turn for the worst. If Iruka wouldn't believe him he might as well just go and get an abortion and that would be the end of the story. "Even ask Tsunade-baa-chan! Or Shizune-nee-chan! They'll tell you I'm pregnant."

Iruka just stared at Naruto now. He knew that the Hokage and Naruto were friends and even though Tsunade was a gambler who had a perverse sense of humour she wouldn't just band up with Naruto and tell people the boy was pregnant for the fun of it. "I feel rediculous for even believing this... but how could such a thing happen?" he wondered aloud.

"Um…" Naruto started. Suddenly unwanted flashbacks entered his mind. Sasuke and the blood… the whole scene. Iruka could tell by the troubled look on Naruto's face that it wasn't something that should be talked about. "Is it okay if I don't want to talk about it?" Naruto said shakily.

Iruka nodded. "It's alright, Naruto." He pulled Naruto into a warm, fatherly hug. "If you need someone to confide in you know where I live."

Naruto's relief couldn't be matched by anything he'd ever felt in the past. He relaxed and hugged Iruka back. "Thanks Iruka."

* * *

Tsunade wasn't having as great a time as Naruto. Her office was once against filled floor to ceiling and wall to wall with stacks of paperwork that she'd been too lazy to complete. Shizune was on her way down to the finance department and was sure to return with even more paperwork. Tsunade would have rather been drunk right now. She sighed exasperatedly and looked up from the mission report she was reading from an A-rank mission. "Jiraiya, how many times do I have to tell you not to peep on me when I'm working!"

Jiraiya's head appeared upside down outside an open window in Tsunade's office. "I was not peeping!"

"Deny all you want, just leave me alone."

Jiraiya swung down from the roof and jumped into Tsunade's office. "Hey, I just came to see how Naruto was coming along with his missions. Has he revealed his new ultimate perverted technique yet? He never showed me."

"What?" Tsunade said with a dangerous tone.

"I can't wait to see it!" Jiraiya squealed like a schoolgirl.

"Jiraiya, I'm busy, can this wait until I'm done?"

"Come on, Tsunade, you've been working hard. Surely you have enough time to entertain an old man." Wrong thing to say. The next thing Jiraiya knew was that Tsunade's desk in all its glory – papers, stationery and all – was flying across the room and slamming him into the wall.

"Now look what's happened you pervert! You'd better help me clean this up!" Tsunade shrieked.

"Hey, hey, I wasn't the one who made the mess."

"You're the one who got this lady angry!" Tsunade growled. "If you run off I'll hunt you down."

Jiraiya sighed. He was defeated. "Okay, but seriously, how's Naruto?"

"If you must know," Tsunade sighed, "He's pregnant."

Jiraiya laughed so hard his stomach felt like it was going to explode. "Tsunade, you almost killed me with that one!"

Tsunade gave him a hard, serious glare. Jiraiya stopped laughing at stared at the female Sannin looming above him and shadowing him with her presence. Suddenly her expression lightened up and a smile spread across her face. "Oh, you actually found that funny? Well, I have been working on it for the past few hours."

Jiraiya started laughing again and had to hold his belly this time. "I must admit, it's one of the best jokes I've ever heard from you, Tsunade!"

"Oh, no, it wasn't a joke," Tsunade said. Jiraiya looked and saw that Tsunade's face was hard set and serious. "It's going to be a problem for him. He might not be able to perform ninjutsu for a while."

"Aw, why not?" asked Jiraiya, disappointed that he wouldn't get to see Naruto's latest perverted technique.

"I wondered that too at first. Yamato reported to me that Naruto had not been eating or training well. Those are normal symptoms of pregnant women but his chakra shouldn't have been so low. I think it's because his body is having a hard time adjusting. It's normal for a woman but a man definitely couldn't get used to it. I'm guessing that when his eating pattern broke the baby started to feed directly off his chakra to maintain its own health and growth during the first trimester."

"But Tsunade, Naruto doesn't have a womb? Where would the baby grow?"

Tsuande's eye twtiched and her eyebrows furrowed. She, like all experts hated giving the answer she needed to deliver: "I have no idea."

* * *

Naruto patted his tummy. He felt better now that his hunger was fulfilled, his dinner and dinner bill were completely taken care of and he now had the full support and confidence of his former teacher and friend to help him through what would very possibly be a long, hard pregnancy. What else could any other pregnant sixteen-year-old boy ask for in one night?

As he walked back home in the dark with only the street lights to guide him he noticed a presence following him. He turned around but didn't see anything so he kept walking. The presence moved. He stopped and turned around. He knew it couldn't be Sasuke or any member of Akatsuki, he wouldn't have sensed them already. Just when Naruto started to contemplate who would make their presence so obvious to him but at the same time try to hide from him Hinata peeked out from behind a nearby mailbox that was only about three paces away from Naruto. Naruto jumped. _"How the hell did she get so close to me without me knowing?"_ he wondered.

"Hey, Hinata," Naruto said.

Hinata blushed and smiled coyly. "Y-yes, Naruto-kun."

"What are you doing out here? It's late and your father might get worried about you," Naruto replied.

Hinata tapped her fingertips together. "Um… well… you see n-Naruto-kun… I wanted to know… I was finding out… there was something I-I needed to know…"

"_This is one of the reasons why I think she's so weird,"_ Naruto thought. "Hinata, just spit it out. I won't bite you if you say it."

Hinata blushed more and took a small step back as if she was afraid that he would bite her. "Well… I heard a rumour… I heard this from Sakura… I wanted to know… i-is it true that you're having a child?"

Naruto stared at her. _"That's all she wanted to say? Why does she take so long?"_ "Um… well, it's a little bit hard to talk about," Naruto admitted, "and I feel awkward about it… but I guess it's not use hiding it from you if you already know."

"S-so does that mean it's t-true?"

Naruto nodded. Then his eyes widened in shock as suddenly Hinata went as stiff as a board. She fainted on the sidewalk. Naruto kneeled down beside her and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Hinata? Hinata! What are you doing fainting like that in the middle of sidewalk? What did I do? Wake up! Hinata!" Naruto slapped her on the face to try and help her regain consciousness.

Hinata slowly opened her eyes. She blushed and air filled her head when the first thing she saw just so happened to be Naruto's face and the first thing she heard just so happened to be Naruto's voice calling her name. She smiled as she gazed into his eyes happily, content to just command his full attention for the moment.

"Hinata, are you okay? What happened just then? You fainted for no reason."

"I had a funny dream," Hinata muttered with her head still on cloud nine.

"A dream?" Naruto wondered how long it took for a person to have a whole dream. Hinata was only out of it for twenty seconds.

"Naruto-kun told me he was having a child," Hinata explained as if she wasn't talking to him.

"Hinata, that wasn't a dream, that just happened," Naruto informed her

"Excuse me?"

"I'm having a baby in a few months."

Hinata fainted again.

* * *

My friend thought I wouldn't get more than 200 hits for the 1st chapter and I proved him wrong. I was, however, slightly annoyed by the fact that of the four people who reviewed the 1st chapter only half of them had any real feedback. I think it's awesome that people like the story but I would like feedback from everyone, even if you don't like it because that's the most useful tool for me as a writer. Also, I don't mind if you have questions or problems with my logic (which might get a bit weird as the story progresses), I'll happily explain. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Three: Misery wants to be Left Alone!!**

Naruto called the hospital and let the medics take care of Hinata. He, on the other hand, returned to his apartment to retire for the night. As he walked into his own home his stomach churned and gurgled. He groaned and put a hand to his tummy. He'd only known about it for a few hours and he was already sick of the baby; it was making him ill. He took his shoes off went straight to his bedroom to sit down.

Naruto sighed as he sat down on his bed and rubbed his slightly swollen stomach. Why didn't the baby seem to like anything he ate? He was feeling aches in his lower back and his groin and now his stomach was feeling sick again. Hopefully he would be able to sleep it all off… then maybe throw up in the morning but for a few hours it would all feel good.

He decided now would be as good a time as any to get ready for bed. As far as he knew he was still a working ninja and had to be up bright and early for training or missions. Naruto unzipped his jacket and took his shirt off. He picked up an orange towel that was stuffed in a drawer messily and went to the bathroom for a shower. While he was in the bathroom he got a good look at himself in the mirror and couldn't help thinking that something about him looked a little bit different. He did an image check:

…Spiky blond hair that wasn't combed this morning… check.

…Azure blue eyes that every girl _should_ be drooling over… check.

…Conspicuous whisker marks on face… check.

…Baby bump…

Okay, that was obviously what was very different. It wasn't that it was a very big baby bump, it just didn't seem right for it to be there. Where he used to have abs the skin was smooth and taught and ever so slightly curved. Naruto frowned at the image in the mirror. He'd never been dissatisfied with his image before. As far as he was concerned, that thing in his stomach shouldn't exist.

"I hate you," Naruto said, not to his reflection but to his tummy where the baby was growing under his skin. Sasuke's goddamn baby! Naruto glared at it hatefully. He had never hated something as intimate with him as this child so much. That's when he regretted thinking that taking the baby's life was a mistake. He shouldn't have worried about it at the hospital. He should have said: "_Tsunade, I don't like this thing. I don't need another creature living inside me, the Kyuubi is enough all by himself. I would like this thing to be cut out of me right now._" Instead, he did what he did everyday: he put a smile on his face and convinced himself that everything was just peachy. There was nothing to be worried about, the demon didn't taint his dreams every night, and he wished well to all who were good...

There was a lot to be worried about, the demon especially liked to kill his loved ones in his dreams and he would like to knock a few teeth out of some of the kinder people just because they did deserve it somehow.

"You should die," he continued to tell the foetus even though according to Tsunade it was only half formed and didn't have a brain yet. Even so, it didn't seem happy with that last statement. Naruto's stomach gurgled and did flip-flops. He hugged his middle and sat down on the edge of the bathtub. He didn't want to lose his dinner so quickly.

Having a shower didn't make the sick feeling in his stomach go away but it didn't make it worse either. As he lay down to sleep the churning and gurgling continued. He groaned in discomfort.

"Dammit, stupid baby! I need to fall asleep!" Naruto growled. "I have important stuff to do tomorrow. What do you want me to do? Apologise for insulting you?"

The foetus clearly wasn't listening this time. Naruto's stomach churned even harder, making the bile rise. He held down the vomit and tried to get comfortable again, cursing his child. The foetus seemed to be listening to Naruto's thoughts and relentlessly discomforted him. He tossed and turned and shifted restlessly; never getting any sleepier. He was completely displeased with the amount of energy he seemed to have even though his ramen dinner was the only real food he'd had all day. It took hours and it was almost two o'clock in the morning when Naruto was finally so exhausted from trying to fall asleep that he fell asleep.

* * *

In a deep, dark place there was a deafening roar from a defeated beast as it was sealed away into the sealing container belonging to Akatsuki. Of the nine eyes it possessed a fourth opened. The cave was plunged into complete silence that was so true to its meaning that one could literally hear a pin drop. But it wasn't the drop of a pin that broke the silence; it was a drop of condensation from the ceiling followed by a giggle from one of the smaller human figures that stood atop of the fingers of the statue's hands.

"We did well, huh, Deidara-senpai?" said the smallest one who had previously been giggling.

"Un," was the reply from a taller person. "I might have done better without you, un. You're too goofy on the battlefield and your techniques have no finesse; they're crap, yeah. There's no artistic quality in them."

"Aw," the smaller figure whined, slumping where he stood. "Tobi thought Tobi was good. You're just an over-flamboyant up-stager."

"Say something like that to me again, Tobi, and you will suffer the most painful death by-"

"Let me guess: death by explosion! Tobi thinks he's heard that before and if I can recall Tobi seems to escape a lot of them."

"Then let's see how much escaping you do when you're tied to a tree, yeah."

"Shut up!" barked a spiky haired shadow. "There is no time to waste arguing. We're beginning to come under pressure from Suna and Konoha. They're learning more and more about our operations faster than I initially anticipated. If we continue at our current pace there's no possibility that we will be able to successfully complete our Bijuu collection. Understand?"

"Yes, Leader-sama," the occupants of the room chorused, even those who weren't physically there but who's images were portrayed by astral projections.

"The next to be collected are Nanabi and Hachibi," said a man with glowing red eyes that had black tomoe swirling in them. "Kisame and I will volunteer to chase and retrieve the Nanabi-"

"Nanabi will wait," the leader interrupted. "Its whereabouts are completely unknown, so Zetsu will be conducting an investigation… it must be found, Zetsu." He addressed the last part to an astral projection with a large plant-like appendage on his head.

"I will begin information collection immediately. Let's go," Zetsu replied. Then in a robotic sounding voice he continued, "May I ask permission to be dismissed from this meeting prematurely?"

"Zetsu is dismissed," the leader granted.

The astral projection on one of the pinkie fingers disappeared with that permission given.

"And what of us?" asked the largest man of all who were left.

"Our ultimate goal does not stop," the leader explained, "but under new circumstances partners will be swapped."

"What!" Tobi exclaimed.

"I will take anyone other than Tobi, un," Deidara said, unsympathetic to his partner.

"I don't understand the logic," said the red eyed man. "Why?"

"Itachi and Tobi will be sent to reconnoitre the Cloud Country, where the Hachibi has allegedly made a nest," the leader instructed. "Rather than waste time waiting for information about the Nanabi, Kisame and Deidara will go to Fire Country and attempt the capture of the Kyuubi."

"I don't mean to offend," the red eyed man said, "but although Kisame is perfect to fight against the Kyuubi with such large reserves of chakra I believe I should be going in Deidara's place. I'm more familiar with the territory and the surrounding countryside-"

"That's enough, Itachi! Thanks to you we have all the information we need to navigate Fire Country with ease therefore your presence in a Fire Country mission is no longer required. As for Deidara, according to our most recent data on the jinchuuriki containing the Kyuubi his chakra element is very rare. Deidara's dual element chakra is perfect against rare element chakras like the jinchuuriki's wind chakra. In reconnaissance I would value the participation of the Sharingan. A plus for Tobi is that compared to the rest of us his chakra reserves are puny, which will make it hard for Cloud Ninja to detect him. Do you understand the logic now?"

"Yes, Leader-sama," Itachi answered respectfully.

"Good, then this meeting has reached its conclusion. Akatsuki is dismissed."

* * *

Naruto awoke with aching pain in his back and groin to a bright, sunny day. He wished he had curtains for his window; then the sun wouldn't have the satisfaction of waking him up everyday. He especially didn't want to be woken up today of all days when he was in pain. Although he had to admit, he'd had an enjoyably dreamless night, one where he wasn't plagued by nightmares or horrid, bloodstained memories of the demon fox. He particularly hated one memory that came up a lot lately, in which the Kyuubi came down upon the village and started to demolish it. It slaughtered civilians and ninjas alike with joy and growled at the pitiful joke of a defence the Konoha ninja could offer to ward it away…

Naruto suddenly sat up in bed. _"Oh, shit! I don't have a day off, I'm supposed to be at the Hokage Tower…"_ he looked at his bedside table to check the alarm clock that hadn't gone off that morning (now that he thought about it, it never went off). The arms pointed out eleven thirty. "Holy shit!" he screamed. "I was supposed to be at the Hokage Tower over two hours ago!"

"Naruto? Are you awake?"

Naruto went rigid. Was he about to be diagnosed with a hearing disorder or did he just hear Sakura's voice coming from right outside his bedroom door? He had never had a girl over at his apartment before, come to think of it, the only people who had ever visited him at his apartment were the landlord (when Naruto's rent was late), Jiraiya and the Sandaime (when he'd been alive). Not even Iruka or Tsunade had stepped foot in Naruto's apartment. He started to sweat, thinking about the state of his living space. He was pretty sure he'd dusted it sufficiently the other week, and he'd remembered to take out the trash last Tuesday, hadn't he? He'd done his dishes a couple of nights ago; he'd done his laundry on Saturday so there shouldn't be any dirty dishes or dirty clothes lying around. He tried to remember if he'd cleaned his bathroom recently but decided that it was clean enough since he'd been able to take a shower and brush his teeth without seeing any mould or scum… but what if Sakura's eye was sharper? What if she was pickier with what she deemed acceptable in the bathroom? All of this was giving Naruto a headache.

The knob on the bedroom door twisted. Naruto gasped and turned to his door. It opened to reveal Sakura smiling at him happily. "Good morning sunshine!" she sang. Naruto groaned in response and flopped back onto his pillow. "Did you have a good sleep last night?" Sakura asked.

"I slept like a log," Naruto yawned.

"Yeah, I could tell. You looked so peaceful a few hours ago."

Naruto sat up and glared at her. "A few hours ago!? If you've been here for that long why didn't you wake me up to get to Hokage Tower on time? Now my mission's going to go to some other random ninja who isn't as awesome as me."

"Hey, don't be like that," Sakura said, patting him on the shoulder. "I've got some orders for you from Tsunade-shishou right here." She reached into her equipment pack and pulled out a rolled piece of paper. Naruto's eyes lit up upon seeing the paper.

"Orders from Tsunade-baa-chan! Yay! That means I have a mission, right?" Naruto exclaimed excitedly.

"No, you don't," Sakura corrected him. "According to these orders you are on paid vacation until the baby is born and your name is down for two to five weeks of paternity leave post birth. Until your paid vacation is up you are to be moved to a more favourable location for the best results in your pregnancy, which is why Tsunade-shishou has asked me to take you home and take care of you for a while."

Naruto looked at her dumbfoundedly. "Can you say that again but with smaller sentences that have less syllables?"

Sakura sighed. "Basically, you'll have no missions until after the baby is born."

"How can that be!?"

"Naruto, pregnancy is a delicate process. If it isn't carried out in a safe environment free from stressful situations and danger it might cease prematurely. That's a miscarriage," Sakura explained. "In a better scenario, you could go into labour during the late stage of your pregnancy when your baby is able to survive outside of the womb and have a premature birth but babies born prematurely are more fragile than other babies and may require special care."

Naruto grumbled and crossed his arms with a huff. "Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't mean I'm pathetic. I can still train and do missions. It doesn't look like I was sick this morning."

"Well obviously! Morning sickness doesn't last forever but it's always apparent during the first trimester," Sakura said. "Now come on, show me where you keep all of your clothes and essentials. You need to be out of here by noon, Tsunade-sama is coming to my house to check on you at one o'clock to make sure you're being gentle with the baby."

Sakura had Naruto packed and ready to leave in half and hour. Naruto didn't have very many things that he would need with him and Sakura insisted that he leave all of his instant ramen behind. They were out of the apartment by noon exactly and starting to walk away from it.

Sakura's house was on the far more popular side of town, just down the road from the Yamanaka Florist. Naruto grimaced and wondered how the hell he was going to keep a low profile when he was on the more populated side of Konoha no Sato.

Sakura let Naruto into her home. Naruto took off his shoes and left them at the door with other pairs belonging to the family and Sakura brought him a pair of guest slippers. Naruto looked at the room he was in. It was clearly a living room and annexed to it was a kitchen. On the right hand wall of the living room there was a staircase to another storey.

"There's not a lot of space at my house," Sakura explained almost apologetically. "This is obviously the kitchen and living area. There's a door in the kitchen that goes out to a laundry area and our back lawn. The bathroom is upstairs. I'll take your things up to your room, just follow me." Sakura picked up Naruto's bags and started to walk.

"Wait, Sakura-chan," Naruto said, grabbing her by the wrist. "I'll take my own bags. It's not fair to make you do it."

"Naruto, I'm your host so I'm taking your bags!" Sakura commanded. She pulled away and started to walk up the stairs. Naruto followed her quickly.

Naruto's room was the first door to the left, right next to Sakura's room. The bathroom was at the end of the hall. His room looked almost exactly like Sakura's except the sheets were green instead of pink and he didn't have a wardrobe, just a chest of drawers.

"Hopefully this will be comfortable enough," Sakura said, putting Naruto bags down in the middle of the room. "I've got to admit, though, it's a bit bigger than your box of a bedroom in your apartment."

"Thank-you, Sakura-chan," Naruto said brightly. "You were really kind to do this for me."

"Hey, this is the kind of thing you have friends for in the first place," Sakura replied. "You don't have to mention a thing."

They both turned their heads to rhythmic footsteps down the hall with the listless beat of slippers accompanying them. Tsunade appeared in the doorway followed by a woman with long pink hair and blue eyes. The pink haired woman looked at Naruto and a large frown broke out on her face.

"What's he doing here?" she asked suspiciously. Naruto hung his head when he sensed the loathing in her voice. He was about to pick up his bags and offer to leave when Tsunade interrupted.

"That's Naruto," she said. "I hope it's not too much trouble to ask him to stay with you. He's close friends with your daughter and they're on the same team so I thought it would be more convenient if he stayed with her until I could work out a better solution."

The pink haired woman's eyes widened. "Oh, he's the schizophrenic."

"The what?" Naruto hissed.

"Tsunade told that story," Sakura whispered. "We can't exactly tell my mother that you're pregnant. To her you're still a demon boy even if you're my friend and if she thought you were playing a cruel prank on her you'd be out of here in three seconds flat."

"But I don't wanna spend my pregnancy being treated like a loony! Why doesn't Tsunade just send me to the mental institute if that's how she's going to deal with it?"

Tsunade tapped Naruto on the shoulder. "Okay Naruto, it's time for your check-up. May I have some privacy please?"

Sakura and her mother nodded and left the room. Tsunade waited until she heard their fading footsteps on the stairs and turned to Naruto. "Naruto, this isn't going to be a very long check-up, I just want to examine the progress of the baby since the first trimester will be over in a couple of weeks. I need you to take off your shirt and lie down."

Naruto sat down on his bed and lifted his shirt over his belly. Tsunade sighed but let him do it his way if he was too shy. When he was lying flat Tsunade put her hands to his stomach and gently applied pressure to the area where the baby should be growing. Naruto made a face. Tsunade's hands weren't very warm and sometimes she poked with her fingers and her fingernails dug into his skin. It wasn't comfortable.

Eventually Tsunade sighed and sat down on the side of his bed. Naruto looked at her and the frown she had on her face. Her eyes were closed and her eyebrows were slightly furrowed as if she was thinking hard about something grave.

"Tsunade-baa-chan, is everything okay?" Naruto asked.

"Do you want the truth or the honest truth?"

"The one that I will appreciate more."

"No," Tsunade replied. Naruto blinked several times at the direct response. "That's the honest truth. In such early stages your baby isn't very healthy. He obviously hasn't been able to eat very well thanks to you and whatever he has eaten wasn't very good for him – that means all that ramen you eat, Naruto. You're going to have to change your diet. From now on ramen is taboo!"

"Why?" Naruto whined.

"It's unhealthy and has a low nutritional value. You need to eat more fruits and vegetables and a balance of assorted carbohydrates, proteins and fats."

"Fat…? You mean to say that by the end of this I'm going to be fat?!"

"Most women usually do get fat by the end of their pregnancy but some don't."

"I don't wanna be fat! How am I going to become Hokage if I'm fat?" Naruto whinged.

"Shut up and grow up, Naruto!" Tsunade scolded him. "Just look at yourself now, you're just skin and bones!" Tsunade pushed Naruto's shirt up over his chest to examine his chest with her eyes and prove her point. She scrunched up her nose distastefully and the sight of Naruto's ribcage through his skin. The pectoral muscles he used to have there were gone and the baby bump made Naruto look malnourished. "I've already explained to Haruno-san that because of your unstable frame of mind and your tendency to be obsessive compulsive at random moments you will need strict dietary requirements and a schedule. Make sure you co-operate with Sakura's dear mother and eat what she gives you."

"Yeah, whatever," Naruto grumbled.

Tsunade stood up and patted him on the head. "That's a good boy. I'll come back in four weeks to check up on the little boy when he's due to enter the second trimester."

"Just pop in whenever you like, you're the Hokage, you can do anything you want," Naruto replied sarcastically. Suddenly his eyes widened and his jaw dropped in shock. "Wait, little boy? You don't know what gender my baby is going to be!"

"It's Sasuke's baby, ne?"

"Yeah, but still-"

"Then I know everything about it already: it's going to be a boy with blond hair and black eyes and weighing between 1.5 and 2.3 kilograms," Tsunade interrupted Naruto, exuding certainty with her claim. "I will even bet on it. If I have described anything about your baby incorrectly…"

Naruto frowned as Tsunade trailed off and stared out of the window absentmindedly. Naruto felt the wave of recession vibrate through the air thickly. "Tsunade-baa-chan," Naruto said with a smile to try and lighten the mood, "if you win then I'll do D-rank missions for a whole month!"

"No, if I win I want you to give the baby up for immediate adoption," Tsunade decided.

Naruto just shrugged indifferently. "Fine, it's not like I really want it. It'll just get in my way when I have to go and do missions. Not to mention it's too much work and money to take care of it and I don't have enough room in my apartment to keep it. I agree to those conditions." Tsunade's face relaxed into a smile again; at least he understood the reasons. "However, if you're wrong I get to decide who to give the baby to and my first mission back on the ranks has to be: 'Sasuke retrieval'."

"What!? Naruto, you can't do that!"

"Then there will be no deal."

Tsunade growled. "If you weren't pregnant I'd throw you out the window for being so stubborn and impudent!"

Naruto stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry at her. "Too bad."


	4. Chapter 4

Just a small slightly annoying note: if you're going to review don't just ask me to update; that is a given. I would rather have some criticism.

* * *

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Four: Shadows on the Wall**

Two ninja in straw hats and black coats with red clouds on them landed on the main road. There was a wooden signpost on the side of the road with Japanese streamers hanging from it and worn down text. They ignored the signpost but stopped by it so that the smaller ninja could bend down and touch the ground.

"Ah, so this is what the soil of Fire Country feels like, un. If the soil quality is so good there must also be good clay, perfect for my art, un," said the small one.

The taller ninja scoffed. "Stop playing in the dirt Deidara."

Deidara stopped stroking the ground and stood up. He turned to glare at his partner with his visible eye. "I'm not interested in dirt, Kisame no danna, I'm interested in art, un. I wish I was still paired with Tobi rather than you. "

"Calm down, if the leader knew that we were arguing he'd have both of our heads," Kisame said lightly. He grabbed for the sword on his back. "However, I could just save you the trouble of having to deal with Leader-sama and shave your head off right now."

"That toy sword couldn't shave my hair off." Deidara nimbly jumped to the side and did a back flip just to show off as Kisame's giant sword swooped through the air ready to chop him in half. Deidara raised both of his hands and had the mouths in his palms stick their tongues out at Kisame. Kisame's eyes widened at the sight of Deidara's left arm. It was pink and the skin was so transparent that Kisame could see the blood vessels and the blood flowing through them and the bone could just be seen through the muscle in the sunlight. The teeth had only just begun to grow and the tongue was thin and still weak.

"What the hell happened to your arm?" Kisame asked.

"That's my Bloodline Limit, un," Deidara replied.

"I thought your mouths were… and I thought Sasori had replaced that arm for you."

"Sort of, but the wooden arm can't be used in my techniques," Deidara said, waving his left arm above him. "It's cell reconstruction and regeneration: as long as my heart and my brain haven't been damaged I can recreate entire body parts or organs, un. It just takes a while to kick in, un."

"You're an alien," Kisame decided. "With weird accessories like that you can't be human."

"It'll feel good to have all four of my mouths again, yeah," Deidara grinned. "Besides, speak for yourself, un."

Kisame rolled his eyes and put his huge sword, Samehada, on his back. "This is why I'd rather be paired with Itachi. Well, since we're already in Fire Country we should start moving. We have no idea where their ANBU could be."

Deidara simply put his tongues away and smirked. "This'll be fun, yeah."

* * *

If Sakura had given him any indication of what Tsunade meant by 'strict' through her recounts of her medic training Naruto knew to expect the toughest trial of his endurance he'd ever have to face. Tsunade's dietary schedule was very strict indeed. Breakfast was at eight thirty sharp, lunch had to be precisely at noon and dinner was to always be at seven o'clock. In addition he had to have a snack at anytime between three and four o'clock in the afternoon. Naruto severely doubted the necessity of the diet. He'd suddenly been introduced to foods he'd never even heard of before like cauliflower, sweet potato and macadamia nuts and he was certain that he could live without them. He would bring the subject up the next time Tsunade came to check up on his stupid baby.

"Tsunade-baa-chan," Naruto whined as Tsunade poked, prodded and patted his curving belly. "I hate you!"

"Stop whining you brat!" Tsunade snapped. "This diet is completely necessary to ensure your son's health; I don't care if you've never laid eyes on a capsicum before. Have you been co-operating with Haruno-san?"

Naruto pouted but nodded. "Yes, Tsunade-baa-chan," he said in a whiny, childish voice. "I ate every yucky, icky piece of food she gave me."

Tsunade's eyebrow twitched and it looked like a vein in her left temple was about to pop. "If you weren't pregnant I'd send you through the floor." Naruto stuck his tongue out at her and thought that maybe being pregnant did have its little perks. Tsunade didn't have the guts to hurt him. "Anyway, all threats aside, congratulations Naruto. You've made it through your first trimester and your baby is alive."

She had a smile on her face but Naruto didn't like the way she'd said the word 'alive'. "Tsunade… is everything okay?"

"To tell the truth, no," the Godaime replied. "Even though I managed to save your ass with my special diet your son is still just hanging on. I can tell that he's very underweight."

"How?"

"By just looking at you," Tsunade said, wrinkling her nose at the sight of him again. He'd gained a little bit of weight but he was still so skinny. "You don't look very promising for three months. You're meant to look pregnant by now but it doesn't look like the baby's grown at all in a month. This is very worrying, Naruto. If another miscarriage occurs I might not be able to save your baby."

Naruto stared at the opposite wall and juggled that thought around a bit. No baby meant no leave and no leave meant missions… it also meant no post-birth responsibility at all. Naruto was quite sure he could deal with having a miscarriage. But then it also meant murdering his kid.

Tsunade frowned when she saw the look on his face wasn't his normal thinking face; it was more sinister and daring. "I know what you're thinking and just so you know, miscarriage is more painful than birth! I would think twice before purposely having a miscarriage."

"I wasn't going to do it," Naruto said, suddenly looking a bit sad. "It's not worth killing someone for the sake of not having to ever face them in a situation you're not ready for."

Tsunade sat down on the edge of Naruto's bed and helped him sit up. She rubbed his back like a mother would to calm her child when they cried. "That's a good boy, Naruto. I'm only going to look out for you, do you understand? And stop peeping on me, Jiraiya!"

Jiraiya's head appeared at the top of the window. Naruto looked up, surprised to see his trainer's head hanging above him. He quickly opened the window for him. "Ero-sennin! What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit my favourite pupil," Jiraiya replied enthusiastically. He swung down from the roof into Naruto's room and sat on the bed next to Tsunade. "I heard that you were getting plump, Naruto… with child… but you don't look very pregnant." He poked Naruto's stomach gently. Tsunade slapped his hand away.

"Don't come in here and bother Naruto like this!" she yelled at him. "You peep and then you harass your students, do you have no shame?!"

"I was not peeping! Who'd want to peep on an old hag like you?"

Tsunade's eyebrow was twitching again and it looked like several veins in both temples were ready to pop. A vein on her rising fist also looked like it was about to burst. Jiraiya put his hands up in surrender and to serve as a defence wall when Tsunade grabbed him by the front of his shirt.

"Now, now, Tsunade, don't be like that. I was joking! I didn't mean it!"

Tsunade dropped him on the floor gracelessly. "I will have to ask you to leave now if you only came here to annoy us."

"Actually, I came here for a reason," Jiraiya said seriously. His facial expression went from happy-go-lucky to businesslike in a matter of seconds.

"You have five seconds to let it spill or you'll go flying back out that window at three times the speed of sound."

Jiraiya wasted no time. "Akatsuki is on the move again, according to my sources. They're after Kyuubi now."

"Kyuubi, huh?" Tsunade muttered, looking at Naruto. He'd turned on his side to face the wall and pulled the sheet up to his shoulder so Tsunade couldn't determine his facial expression. "That would be breaking their pattern. They should be pursuing Nanabi and Hachibi instead. Why are they coming after Kyuubi?"

Jiraiya shook his head. "I have no idea what they're thinking but this country isn't safe for Naruto anymore. We'll have to move him somehow."

* * *

Kisame and Deidara both stopped at a small post town at sunset. Deidara calmly walked in through the welcoming archway and started to look around for an inn. Kisame grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped him in his tracks.

"Deidara, what do you think you're doing?" he asked his new partner. "Since you refuse to travel quickly with me we've had to walk all this way and now don't tell me you want to stop."

Deidara shrugged Kisame's hand off. "We can afford it. The jinchuuriki isn't moving and if he does it will be easier to chase him from out here, security in Konohagakure will be too tight, yeah. Also, I need to take it easy, un. The regeneration process takes up time and lots of chakra. If the kid can tap into the Kyuubi's power like you say then I'm in no condition to fight – the Kyuubi is way too powerful, un."

Kisame sighed and rolled his eyes. "This is going take too much time. I wish I was with Itachi instead of you."

"I wish I was with Tobi instead of you, un," Deidara retorted. Then he sighed. "My arm stings, un. I want to find a place to stay, a meal to eat and then I want to sleep, un!"

"Tch! You're acting like a child, Deidara."

* * *

"I do not agree!" Tsunade shouted in response to Jiraiya's suggestion to leave the country. "Naruto can't travel across the boarder, it's too risky."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed quietly. "It's not good for the baby."

Jiraiya sighed and shook his head sadly. "Naruto, your baby is in more danger here in Konoha. Besides, I have some pretty good news." Naruto squirmed a little bit but didn't respond otherwise. "It's about Sasuke."

As Jiraiya expected, Naruto was suddenly interested. He flipped over to face Jiraiya and sat up on his bed cross-legged. "What happened to Sasuke? Is he safe?"

"Sasuke's better than safe," said Jiraiya happily, glad to see Naruto looking perky and energetic like he usually was. Tsunade just stared at him incredulously. "According to some of my recently collected data Orochimaru is dead."

"He what- I mean- really?" Naruto gasped with shock. "Sasuke is free from that snake bastard?"

Jiraiya nodded. Tsunade growled with irritation. "Great work, Jiraiya, you just had to go and tell him that."

"But Tsunade-baa-chan, if Sasuke's safe I have to try to find him. He's my comrade."

"He's a traitor to the village and a psychopath! You can not bring him back here!"

With that forcefully put into Naruto's head, Tsunade kicked Jiraiya out the window towards the other side of the Hidden Village and left Naruto to his own devices for the rest of the night… until, of course, it was seven o'clock, which meant dinnertime. Still, Naruto couldn't stop thinking about Sasuke. His friend was alive and free, which meant it could be easier to convince him to return. He couldn't stand missing Sasuke. Yet after what Sasuke did to him even Naruto was questioning his own motives. Was it really a good idea to bring Sasuke back? Was his friend already too corrupt to change again? It might not have been the best method to consider but Naruto pushed those thoughts into the back of his head and decided to deal with it when he got there.

* * *

Morning seemed to approach quickly. Kisame and Deidara left the inn they had stayed at and got moving as soon as possible. The day was perfect: there were very few clouds in the sky and the sun was out. There was a gentle breeze to keep the air pleasantly cool and the birds were chirping happily, but they were very loud and they were all chirping at once (it was their mating season). With a clay decoy Deidara happily blew a couple of them up.

"Fucking birds," he muttered. He sounded grumpy and upset like he'd woken up on the wrong side of the bed after a bad night. Kisame raised an eyebrow.

"What happened to you? Did the inn run out of your favourite shampoo or something?"

"Get screwed, un," Deidara snapped. "That's a challenge for someone who looks like you."

"I promise I will shave your head off."

"Leader-sama would hand your ass to you on a platter if you did, yeah." Deidara suddenly picked up the pace of his gait.

"That eager to get away from me, are you?" Kisame joked.

"No, just walk faster, un. Someone's following us."

"Oh," Kisame mumbled and looked over his shoulder. The road behind them was empty so the pursuers were hidden in the trees. Maybe they were ninja.

Two shadows suddenly jumped out of the trees and threw a barrage of kunai at the Akatsuki pair. Kisame and Deidara split and dodged the kunai, which stuck firmly in the road. The two 'shadows' landed gracefully between the fields of kunai. They were both blond. One was a short-haired boy and the other was a long-haired girl. They were identical in most attributes; their eyes were the same hue of blue… a very familiar hue to Deidara and Kisame. They were both wearing Iwa hitai-atae and shinobi uniforms to match the village they were from. The boy also had two pouches on his hips like Deidara.

The boy kept his eye on Kisame while the girl turned to face Deidara. "You're Deidara: missing nin from Iwagakure, duh?"

Deidara's eye rolled upwards as if he was trying to look at his forehead and the hitai-atae on it. "That's me, un. Why do you want to know? Did you come here to assassinate me, yeah?"

"Yeah," said the boy, his attention left Kisame for a few seconds. "We're ninja from the Akimiya family in Iwagakure, un. You're a traitor to the village and a shame to our family so we volunteered to get rid of you, un."

"Deidara, do you know these guys?" asked Kisame.

"Why would you think that, un?" Deidara replied.

"Because they sound like you."

"We've never met, un," said the male attacker, "but I'll still take pleasure from taking your life, un!"

"This'll be fun to watch," Kisame muttered.

Kisame sat back on the side of the road to be out of the way as both Iwa ninja charged for Deidara. Deidara sighed as two shuriken came hurtling his way. They both hit their marks: one landed in the middle of Deidara's face and the other got wedged in his neck. Blood dribbled down his face and neck in neat streams. The two blond ninja grabbed Deidara's arms. Then in a poof of smoke Deidara was gone – replaced by a random log – and in the place of his arms were two snakes made out of, not clay, mud. They turned their heads to look down at annoying pests holding onto them and hissed dangerously.

"What the…?" the girl muttered.

"Hana! Drop it, un!" the boy yelled. He grabbed the snake from his female partner and threw both of them into the trees. The girl gasped as her partner jumped on her and pinned her to the ground. A small crater was blown into the ground and a three metre radius of forest was levelled. The Iwa ninja found themselves buried under a couple of logs and some dirt.

"They exploded!" the girl exclaimed. "Haru, you saved me… duh!"

Haru just growled. "Think of what could have happened if they were made of his real clay, un. Don't mess around with Deidara, yeah. Mom said he's a dangerous guy. He has the En'uya Clan Bloodline Limit too, un."

"What the…?! Exactly what did the Tsuchikage mean when he said Deidara was special, duh? I was imagining some huge, bulky oaf with brain damage and more power than the Legendary Sannin of Konoha, duh-uh."

Deidara's left eye twitched in irritation. He had a right mind to jump out from the tree stump he was crouched behind and give those two impudent kids a piece of his goddamn mind – in other words, he was going to shove clay down their throats and blow them to smithereens. Not only were they young, stupid fools, who made a mockery of his acclaimed vocal trait by turning it into a speech impediment but they didn't seem to understand the true nature and quality of fine art, even if it was a shoddy last minute lump of wet dirt turned into something resembling an animal. _"Besides,"_ Deidara thought, _"how does a brainless oaf muster the raw intelligence or scrape together an IQ high enough to deem himself worthy of artistic creation? Understanding the concept of the heavenly beauty and grace that can only be achieved on Earth for that single second in the explosion takes a lot of brainpower… until one gets used to it, yeah."_

Hana and Haru stood up in the middle of the flattened forest area and looked around warily. Deidara was nowhere to be seen and the other guy was completely out of sight. Haru sighed and growled again. "Where the hell did that rat go, un?"

Deidara pulled his hands out of his clay bag and let three clay spiders crawl their own way out. They scuttled over, around and under the fallen trees and branches like real insects until they stopped underneath the Iwa ninja. Haru and Hana seemed completely unaware of the danger beneath their feet. Deidara performed his seals quickly and smirked when no reaction came from his attackers. _"I guess they just aren't good enough… Tsuchikage is a fool for sending them, un. Katsu!"_

Haru suddenly snapped to the attention of something Hana couldn't sense. He grabbed her by the arm and ran as fast as he could. He wasn't nearly fast enough for them to avoid the explosion. He was tripped up by the force of the blast and sent tumbling into the air with Hana in his grasp. He hugged Hana closer to his body and tried to do a somersault in midair. His landing foot hit the edge of a stable log but when he tried to find a footing for his other foot he slipped. He fell into a hole between the log and some branches but refused to let go of Hana. They landed on a flat net of branches.

Hana groaned and crawled out of Haru's arms. Haru rolled onto his back and tried to stand up but his left foot simply wouldn't allow it. It wouldn't move. Hana tried to help her partner to get up. He pushed her off.

"Leave me alone, un. I won't be able to get up, un."

"Yes you can, duh!"

"I can't, un! I've twisted my bloody ankle, yeah! I can't stand right now, un!"

Hana growled lowly. "Then that means I have to use my techniques, duh."

"Are you sure you can handle it, un?"

"Duh," Hana replied, rolling her eyes a bit. "He uses bombs so he's a long range fighter, duh. I'm a taijutsu specialist so I'll get in close and beat him up and that way he can't use his bombs without hurting himself, duh."

Hana dashed forward at almost inhuman speed, not even bothering to flicker. Deidara easily saw her coming and sent an explosive clay bird flying towards her quickly. She stopped abruptly and crossed her hands in front of her face as the bird collided with her. There was a small explosion that would have killed any person. However, out of the explosion came no human guts or blood but splinters and chunks of wood. She appeared behind Deidara.

"_Maybe she is good, un,"_ Deidara thought.

"Take this, duh!"

Hana threw a punch at Deidara, which he dodged by rolling to the side. The force she exerted with her attack split the stump he had been hiding behind neatly in two. _"Whoa… That attack is similar to the Gentle Fist Itachi told me about."_

Deidara stuck his right hand into a clay pouch and tried to collect clay in his mouth. Hana turned quickly and gave him a roundhouse to the head. Deidara ducked under that and jumped back to get away. Hana was after him. She grabbed him by the collar of his coat and threw him over her head. She flipped back onto her hands and kicked him further into the sky with both feet. From up there Deidara was stuck for a move unless he could complete his latest clay masterpiece quickly. Hana opened an equipment pocket on her vest and took out a small scroll. She unrolled it and twirled it around herself. With a poof the writing inside her scroll was gone and Hana was surrounded by a long wire of kunai and shuriken.

"I'll show you this technique passed down to the females in the Akimiya Clan of Iwagakure, duh… Four Season Maelstrom!"

She held on to both ends of her wire and jumped into the air. She reached Deidara's altitude and let go of one end. It hooked around his neck and all Hana needed to do was give him a kick in the side to make him spin and wrap him up in wire. The weapons attached to it pierced and dug into his flesh. "First season, duh," Hana announced. "I bring you life, birth and new beginnings, duh – Spring Showers!"

With a sharp tug Deidara was spinning in the opposite direction and gaining altitude. Blood from his wounds rained down on Hana and the demolished land below.

"Second season, duh…" Hana landed on the thick trunk and let the wire fall beside her. She pulled seven shuriken out of her holder strapped firmly to her leg and threw them at Deidara. He stopped messing with his clay and used his good arm smack some away, hitting the flat sides successfully each time. The others aimed at his legs were easier to dodge. "I bring you greenness, fertility and pleasant days – Summer Heat, duh!"

Hana performed four hand seals and spat fire from her mouth like a jet stream. Alcohol on the invisible wire tied to the shuriken caught the flame and ascended, roaring up to the shuriken. Deidara's coat caught fire, as did some of his hair and his body.

"Third Season, I bring you wind, harvest and golden leaves, duh," Hana exclaimed. Deidara had almost made it back to earth when Hana jumped and kneed him in the chest while elbowing him in the back of the neck. She pushed him and let him fall down again but he was caught in a net made of the same hot and bloodied wire from her two previous attacks. Deidara landed on his back and hissed at the shuriken and kunai that stabbed his back and the sheer heat of the wire. The trap was clever, it not only left him suspended and in pain but it had some of his limbs and his neck caught in one particular wire. "Autumn Breeze!

Deidara was lifted by the wire he was caught in. He hissed as it stung and cut his left arm, which was still regenerating. She kept him aloft by running in a wide circle and spinning him in the middle. Her pace picked up so quickly that in mere moments it looked like there was ten of her. Just when Deidara was starting to feel so dizzy he was about to throw up Hana dug her heels into the ground and stopped. She recycled the kinetic energy and started to spin Deidara around herself, eventually lifting him high into the air. She let go and started to perform hand seals. She chanted as she did so, going through thirty-two seals in five seconds. She kicked over a log and some branches to uncover some bare ground and dug her fingers into the soil.

"Fourth Season… last season," she said, grinning almost demonically as she did. "I bring you ice, cold and bitter death – Winter Freeze, duh-uh! Nobody ever lives again after winter bites with cold claws and poison fangs… duh."

The ground in front of her became dark and moist as water from the aquifer below rose to the surface. Suddenly and explosively water and rock burst from the ground and froze almost instantly into sharp spears. Deidara's body fell onto those spears and disappeared with a poof. Hana gasped. _"Kage Bunshin, duh?"_ she wondered inwardly.

"_That was pretty good,"_ Deidara thought. _"That was a complex and artistically designed attack pattern and she executed it in just a little under one minute."_

"I have to admit, you almost defeated me, un," Deidara admitted. He was standing only ten metres away on a tall stump. "But it just seems to be that you need to try a little bit harder in order to keep me six foot under." Two clay birds flew from his hand, each with two pairs of wings. They were so fast, slim and nimble that Hana was sure there was no way for her to outrun them or dodge.

"Hana, get down, yeah!"

Hana didn't question her partner; she just dropped to her knees and crawled under some logs and branches. The birds might have easily been able to catch her but they were engulfed by a tiger's head made of orange and black fire. Hana had her head and ears covered, waiting for the boom… and there was a very, very, _very_, big one!! It produced a dome of light and fire that flattened a three kilometre diameter of land and an earthquake to rival the might of the volcanoes.

When the smoke lifted the forest was burning but the fire was quick and didn't spread very far. A tall pillar of black smoke rose into the sky, darkening the day over the forest. It could be seen for miles; even ordinary citizens in Raigakure got a glimpse of unusually black clouds in the distance.

And the Akatsuki partners escaped.


	5. Chapter 5

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Five: Bloody Trails**

ANBU from Konoha that were patrolling the area were at the scene of the explosion in minutes. Even they – who had seen the most gruesome murders with their own eyes and even at their own hands – were shocked by the size of the crater and the sheer _nothingness_ it had left.

"What has transpired here?" wondered a male member of the squad with long black hair and a bear mask on.

"Perhaps the Akatsuki has passed through here," suggested a short-haired, green-haired male wearing an owl mask. "One of their members uses explosives in his ninjutsu. If he has been here he may have caused it." The other two members of the squad, who were a brunette woman and a ginger-haired man wearing a badger mask and a snake mask respectively, nodded in agreement.

"Even if this was not done by Akatsuki we must send a report back to Godaime Hokage immediately," said the female in the badger mask. "Let's go-"

"Wait," the owl-masked man interrupted. "Look out there."

In the middle of the crater the dust was stirring and the ground was rising. A small silhouette rose from the ground and shuddered violently. The ANBU wearing the bear mask made a slight hand signal to the female. She nodded and flickered to the silhouette in the dirt.

She stopped about a metre in front of it and watched it curiously. It was human, female and had blonde hair. That girl held herself up on her hands and knees coughing uncontrollably. Sand and blood were coughed up onto the ground between her arms where her hands were still buried. The ANBU female showed no sympathy immediately.

"State your name, origin and business in Fire Country," she demanded.

The girl looked upwards and the female ANBU noted that her eyes were blue (in case that was useful) and her hitai-atae had the Iwagakure symbol. "Akimiya…" she said weakly, coughing up more sand straight afterwards. "Clan… Iwagakure… Stone Country…" she coughed some more and vomited blood, "we… sent to Fire… kill Deidara… duh…"

Despite her sentences being fractured and incomplete the ANBU was able to clearly understand what she was saying. "Who is your accomplice?"

The girl weakly raised her left hand and pointed to the left. She was burnt so badly that on her left arm her clothes were fused to her skin. But the ANBU didn't look at her burns; she looked at the other figure on the ground about a hundred metres away.

Before going to the second figure the ANBU bent down next to the girl. "We will have you taken to Konohagakure soon," she told the injured girl. "You can get proper medical attention there, but for now the most I can do is perform this medical technique. It will hurt but clear your airways and lungs of blood and…" she looked at the sand coming out of the blonde's mouth, "… debris."

The badger-masked ANBU placed both hands on the girl's back directly over her lungs. She pushed lightly and with perfect chakra control. The girl gagged and panicked. Her airway was blocked and it felt like her back was being stabbed by sharp knives and the swordsman was twisting them. She tried to inhale but the obstacle was winning against her. With a huge cough three handfuls of blood and sand was expelled from her body through her mouth. She panted but was relieved to find it was much easier to breathe.

The ANBU flickered over to the other figure on the ground and found that it was also human. He was male and he was blond and blue-eyed like his companion but unlike the female he was unconscious. The female ANBU bent down and checked his vital signs. They were all faint but they were there and that was what mattered. From the distance her squad couldn't see her so she picked up the boy – who was obviously a ninja – and carried him back. The snake-masked ANBU returned for the girl once the boy was with the squad.

* * *

Shizune burst into Tsunade's office with Tonton at her heels and ran to the Hokage's desk. Tsunade was sitting there going through her piles of paperwork that hadn't been down one time. She looked up at her apprentice, glad to take her eyes off the towers of paper.

Shizune leaned on Tsunade's desk and caught her breath before she spoke. "Tsunade-sama, an urgent report came back from an ANBU squad stationed near a post town to the north west: Iwa ninja were found injured and have been brought to Konoha Hospital."

Tsunade was suddenly interested. "Iwa ninja? What would they be doing here? Stone Country and Fire Country are not on very good terms. Crossing the border without a passport or a special permit approved by both myself and the Tsuchikage is considered trespassing into another country. Do they know they can be gaoled here?"

"They did get a permit," Shizune said. "You approved a couple last week, remember?"

"I did?"

Shizune sighed. If that wasn't an answer she was expecting she didn't know what to expect. She knew the Godaime was too lazy to remember something like that. "Yes, you did. Tonton has the details." The pig jumped up onto Tsunade's desk and handed Tsunade a sealed manila folder. Tsunade took it and peeled the seal off. "They're currently in the care of our medics and they claim that their reason for being here was an assassination even though their permit said they were passing through to get to Water Country on a diplomatic mission."

Tsunade hadn't opened the folder but upon hearing the word 'assassination' her eyes sharpened and her head snapped up to give Shizune a hard look. "Who were they planning to assassinate?" she snapped. If they were after her the non-existent bond between Stone and Fire would become a bad one.

"They had orders to kill a missing nin from their country named Deidara," Shizune explained. She noticed Tsunade's face and posture relax a little bit. "He's someone from the Akatsuki."

Tsunade nodded grimly and opened the manila folder. "The Akimiya Clan, huh? They're close friends with the Tsuchikage."

"Really?" Shizune gasped. She smiled brightly. "Then that could be good! If we take good care of the close friend of the Tsuchikage he might see us as allies."

"It could be good or bad depending on the interpretation of the news."

Shizune sighed sadly. "So then… they could become our enemy?"

"Exactly." Tsunade randomly threw a kunai at a tile in the ceiling. It fell and Naruto fell out with it. Shizune gasped and ran to catch him. The consequence was that she lost her footing and fell on her butt but Naruto was pregnant and therefore deserved special treatment. As nice as Shizune was, she didn't usually lift a finger to save Naruto from falling out of the ceiling when he did.

"What do you want now, Naruto?" Tsunade demanded. She was a busy woman; she didn't have time to entertain Naruto.

"Baa-chan, I'm bored," Naruto whined. "I want a mission."

"You are not allowed to have missions," Tsunade told him. "You are on vacation according to all records and it is nonnegotiable. If you're bored, bake cookies for Sakura's neighbours or something."

"But the only thing I know how to cook is instant ramen," Naruto replied. "And I'm getting fat!"

"You look as skinny as when I last saw you."

"Well I'm not!" Naruto lifted his shirt to prove his point. The baby bump was noticeably larger. Tsunade sighed. "My back hurts, my chest hurts, I'm always cranky in the morning and when I feel like having seafood ramen with peanut sauce you never let me."

"I'm glad to hear that your appetite is returning with full force. Don't worry about your body for now. I'm working on a solution. You'll be out of Sakura's house before you have a body image dilemma… and next time I catch you peeping on me while I work I'll kill you, Jiraiya." She threw another kunai at a completely different ceiling tile that had a bizarre hole in it and Jiraiya tumbled out of the ceiling.

"Ero-sennin, stop annoying me," Naruto said in a whiny voice. "I'm pregnant."

"Naruto, you owe me for the seafood ramen with peanut sauce a couple of nights ago," Jiraiya reminded him. Tsunade stood up and threw her chair at him. Jiraiya narrowly dodged it. He looked at Tsunade's face and regretted it. Her expression said: 'don't feed the pregnant boy!'

"Jiraiya, I've had it! Stop messing around with everything!" the Hokage growled at him.

"Hey, hey, he begged me for it and I couldn't resist those adorable puppy eyes," Jiraiya said. "To make it up to you, I'll give you a suggestion to solve Naruto's body image dilemma: move him out of the country!"

Tsunade sat on her desk since she had no chair and rubbed her temples. "Fine and where do you suppose he could go?"

"He could go to Suna," Shizune suggested. "If we dressed him up as a girl it would be easy. I've already told you."

"I know it's a good idea, Shizune," Tsunade said with a tired sigh, "but I want more information on the situation outside of Konoha and better assurance of certain things before I send Naruto away, if I do."

Shizune huffed. Tsunade rubbed her temples in irritation. Naruto looked between teacher and apprentice in confusion. Then Shizune stood up with Naruto still in her arms. "Fine, you can have it _your_ way; you are the Hokage after all." She carried Naruto out with her nose in the air, leaving Jiraiya and Tsunade puzzled by her behaviour.

* * *

At nine o'clock that night Naruto was almost ready for bed. He was standing in front of the bathroom mirror stretching and staring at his growing tummy. He stroked it disappointedly. His muscles were gone and replaced by a baby. He sat down on the edge of the bathtub and stroked his bump with nostalgic thoughts inhabiting his mind. His baby always made him think of Sasuke, which was only fair but at the same time it was unfair because it shouldn't _be_ Sasuke's baby – it shouldn't _be_ there. The spawn of two males just shouldn't _be_… unless it was a weird species of bug that Naruto didn't have the attention span to find out about.

Sakura bumped him out of his own mind but knocking loudly on the door and yelling: "Naruto, are you out yet? I need to take a shower."

"Just a minute," Naruto replied.

Sakura made a strange breathy noise like a combined growl and sigh. Her footsteps started to disappear and Naruto guessed she was going back to her bedroom.

There was a tap on the bathroom window right behind Naruto. He turned around quickly but could see nobody. Then a rock was thrown at the window. He jumped up to open it. Down on the street Shizune ad Jiraiya were standing with a handful of rocks each and a package under Jiraiya's arm.

"Naruto, can you jump down?" Shizune called quietly.

"Shizune, Jiraiya, what are you doing here at night?" Naruto asked.

"It doesn't matter at the moment, just jump down here and come to the Hokage Tower with us quickly."

Naruto jumped to the ground as quietly as he could but stumbled at the bottom of his jump. Shizune caught him in time. "Thanks Shizune. What do you two want me for anyway?"

"Naruto, we are going to send you away to Suna for your own protection," Jiraiya replied. Naruto was about to reply but Jiraiya cut him off. "I don't care what Tsunade says, she's a fool for disagreeing with this plan. So tonight we're putting our plan in action."

Shizune agreed.

"How?" Naruto demanded.

"Just wait 'til you get to Hokage Tower," Shizune teased.

* * *

Neji and his team – excluding Gai – were walking down the halls of the Hokage tower at ten o'clock at night. Neji grumbled. He'd just finished preparing for bed when his phone rang and it was the Hokage's assistant telling him to get ready for an important mission… in the middle of the night. Tenten seemed to share his gloom and doom but Lee was almost bouncing off the walls with excitement.

They approached the Hokage's office and were almost surprised to find Jiraiya guarding it. He spotted Neji's team and took a scroll out of his robe. "These are the mission details."

"Jiraiya-sama, may I request a brief overview of our mission?" Lee requested loudly while Neji calmly opened the scroll and began to read.

"Basically you are to escort a very important girl to Sunagakure where she will be placed under the supervision of the Kazekage. After that whatever happens to her is their business but you have to protect her right up to that point after you leave Konoha no Sato."

"Jiraiya-sama, what about the identity of the girl?" Neji asked. "It doesn't say in the mission details when it should and I would like to know who I am supposed to be protecting."

"Her identity is classified information for confidential reasons," Jiraiya explained. He opened the door wide. "You may now come in."

They entered the room and the team's jaws dropped at the sight of the girl. She was dressed in a royal kimono fit for a princess and had light make-up on too. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and her hair was done up with beautiful jade combs. She smiled shyly at the team but remained silent. Neji shook his head and smacked his forehead.

"Forgive me for being rude, Jiraiya-sama, but are you fucking kidding?! What the hell kind of idiot would fall for that?"

"Princess!" Lee exclaimed with hearts in his eyes. "You're so beautiful your youth should freeze forever! What did you have to do to get beautiful like that?"

The princess blushed.

"Yeah, I want to know too," Tenten said. "I bet you're really rich as well. Look at your combs! If I do a good job you would reward me with one, right? I've been looking for pretty combs like yours but I can't afford them."

Jiraiya turned to Neji. "Those kinds of idiots… and that's all that matters. Now, while you're on this mission you have to keep quiet about it otherwise everything we're working to create will fall apart."

"What are you trying to create in the first place?" said Neji.

"Yosh!" Lee slung the girl over his shoulder. She didn't look too pleased about that. "Let's go princess; I will protect you with my life and youth on this mission!"

Shizune gasped. "Lee, be careful with her! She's pregnant!"

Lee almost dropped her. "Pregnant… you mean she already has a spouse?" Shizune nodded.

Tenten gasped. "But she doesn't look any older than we are."

"Can we just leave?" Neji snapped impatiently.

"Yes, yes, the sooner you get moving the better," Jiraiya smiled.

Jiraiya and Shizune took the team to the huge gates of Konohagakure where a carriage drawn by one bay horse was waiting for them. The princess sat inside and Tenten grabbed the reins.

"We don't expect to see you back for a week at the minimum," Shizune informed them. "It should be in the details when your maximum return time is. Have a safe trip and don't let any harm come to her."

Neji rolled his eyes. "We'll try."

* * *

Deidara growled under his breath. "Shit, where's the nearest post town, un? It's dark, un!"

Kisame rolled his eyes. "I don't think the inns are open at this time."

Deidara cursed his bad luck. He couldn't carry many medical supplies so he had to make do with some bandages and a healing balm. His new arm was stinging like crazy and bled profusely. "Fucking hell, yeah."

As the Akatsuki duo walked down the road a team of ninja walked up the road. The two parties approached but tried to ignore each other. At this stage they didn't want to get into any unnecessary fights for their own reasons. As they passed the shoji screen of the carriage opened a crack and a blonde female peered out at the passing Akatsuki members. It immediately shut again.

All of a sudden Deidara threw a clay bird into the shoji screen. The girl screamed and jumped out the other side of the carriage just as the bird exploded. The horse reared in fright and started to buck. Tenten summoned a sword from her scrolls and cut the horse loose. It bolted from the scene. Kisame grabbed Deidara by the shoulder roughly.

"What the hell do you think you're up to?" he demanded.

"That girl's no girl," Deidara replied. "And she's certainly no princess, un. It's the Kyuubi brat you keep going on about."

"How can you tell?"

"By his chakra signature, un. As well as being unique for every person, every person's unique chakra signature follows a particular pattern depending on the element of their chakra, un."

Kisame grinned. "You understand the nature of chakra better than I do." He swung Samehada at the so-called princess. Neji and Lee both blocked the attack with their kunai.

"Lee, you take the princess and run," Neji commanded. "You're fast and we'll hold these guys back. Just make sure the princess is safe."

"Yosh! I will do it for the princess!" Lee yelled. He ducked under the sword and narrowly missed having the chakra in his legs shaved out. He picked the princess up from the ground and made a dash for it. He was tripped up by a small explosion. The girl fell into the mud and put a hand to her lower back. She groaned. "Princess, are you okay? I'm sorry; your back must be hurting a lot."

Lee crawled over to her and helped her up. She reached into his equipment bag and pulled out two shuriken. "Lee, duck!" she exclaimed.

Lee lowered his head and she threw the shuriken over him and hit Deidara. Tenten threw a scythe and chain and snagged Deidara's shoulder. She twisted the chain around his neck and pulled.

"Come on, Lee, we have to run," the princess yelled at him. She grabbed him by the hand and started to run off. Lee pulled her in and picked her up.

"It's faster this way," Le explained as he ran. He felt liquid running down her side. _"Blood…"_ he thought. "Princess, were you injured just then? I have medical supplies if-"

"I'm okay," she replied with a softer tone of voice than before. "Thank-you for saving me."

Lee blushed. "It's all part of being a young and promising ninja!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Six: Chiyo's Other Grandchild**

Gaara had just sat down for a morning's work as the Kazekage when Lee suddenly burst into his office huffing and puffing with two jounin guards trailing after him. He had a beautiful young girl in his arms whose combs were starting to fall out of her hair. The jounin grabbed him gently by the arms.

"Hey you, we've already told you that you can't come in here without permission or an appointment with the Kazekage," one said. "We've already called a higher ninja to come and deal with you if you don't willingly follow us."

"I won't disagree to come quietly but first I have to deliver this very important princess to the Kazekage!"

If Gaara had eyebrows it would have been easier to see him raise them in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" the other guard asked. "No arrangement like this has been made."

"What the hell is going on?" Kankurou demanded as he walked into the room with a brunette kunoichi following him.

"This is him," said the kunoichi. "This boy barged in with that girl and claimed he had an important mission to complete that involved personally handing that girl over to Kazekage-sama."

Kankurou glanced at Lee and the ninja holding him gingerly like a small child. "Well, then, why are you being so gentle with him? Just toss him out!"

"Kankurou!" Lee sobbed. "I thought you would at least take pity on me, we have known each other for a while now. Aren't we friends?"

The two ninja exchanged glances. "Well… we didn't want to hurt the girl since she's apparently pregnant…"

"Leave her with me," Gaara suddenly commanded, getting up.

"Yes sir." The ninja snapped to attention.

"Everyone is now dismissed, except Kankurou. Thank-you for bringing her to me, Lee. Send word back to the Hokage that she's safe."

Kankurou looked very confused. _"Did Gaara know something I didn't?"_

Lee nodded. "Yes, Kazekage-sama. Farewell now princess, I hope Sunagakure protects you as well as Konoha has."

"You're so nice, Lee," the princess replied. Lee blushed at the sound of his given name being used so informally by such a beautiful girl. "By the way," she took the combs out of her hair, "these are for Tenten, for doing such a good job. I hope she likes them."

"She'll like them very much! Thank-you princess!" Lee skipped out of the room and waved back. The girl waved him goodbye.

When Lee was out of earshot and eyeshot Gaara spun the girl around and pulled off her wig, revealing short, spiky blond hair. He licked his thumb and wiped away some make-up and found a whisker mark. Naruto in a girl's kimono was unveiled. Kankurou burst out laughing. Naruto put hand to his cheek.

"EEEEEWWWWWWW! Gaara's spit!"

"Naruto, what do you think you're doing here?" Gaara demanded.

"It's an important secret mission," Naruto said. "I am at your mercy! I beg for your protection!"

Kankurou laughed even harder. Gaara just looked even more confused. "'My protection'? What's this all about?"

"Look, a little thing happened…" Naruto hesitated. "… then a big thing happened… then another little thing happened… then another big thing happened… then a small thing happened… then a really big thing happened…"

"Get out with it!"

"Gaara, I'm sorry! I'm pregnant with Sasuke's baby!"

Kankurou's stomach started to hurt. Gaara had a sweat drop rolling down the back of his head. "Then why apologize to me? I don't care."

"You mean… you won't protect me?"

"The notion that you're pregnant is too ridiculous to believe and you're grovelling in a women's kimono. You should feel embarrassed, Naruto."

Kankurou coughed as he stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Naruto, you never fail to make other people laugh… now go home."

"How can I go home? I'm dirty, I haven't had a bath in a couple of days so I stink and one of my boobs has popped so I need a change of clothes."

There was a sharp knock on the Kazekage's office door and a sweet, happy voice exclaiming: "Mail from the Hokage all the way in Konoha!"

* * *

Tsunade entered her office that morning bright and cheerful to find Shizune already doing some work. She beamed and placed a red manila folder on her desk. "Shizune, I've had some things checked out and Naruto is all clear to be sent to Sunagakure. Now if only I was able to find out where he was, I haven't run into him lately, which is odd. He was bugging me for a mission a couple of days ago."

"He has the 'all clear'?" Shizune said. "I thought you weren't going to let him go."

"There were certain conditions I needed to check out like the state of their private medical ninja and competent private doctors. I found a good medic nin who's just been promoted to the Kazekage's personal doctor and while he isn't quite as excellent as I am, he'll do well in looking after Naruto."

"Oh… so he has to go to Sunagakure… now?"

"Yes, now. Weren't you listening to what I said?"

"Um… there's a problem…"

* * *

Gaara allowed the person behind the door to come in. In jumped a smiling medic wearing a lab coat over a blue men's yukata that had large pockets sewn on. He had unkempt shoulder-length red hair and bright green eyes. In his hand he held an A4 envelope with the return address side showing. He grinned at the company in the room. "Good morning Kazekage-sama, Kankurou-dono, I just got word from Godaime Hokage that we should be expecting a visitor named…" he took out the letter, "named Uzumaki Naruto."

Naruto raised his hand. "That's me."

"Oh, it is? But according to this letter you aren't meant to be here for another week."

"I wasn't even aware that I was _meant_ to be here. I was snuck out of Fire Country by Shizune and Jiraiya undercover against Tsunade's orders."

A pause followed that statement.

"Oh well, you're here now," the medic said brightly and happily. "All the better for me! Now come on, as a medic I simply can't allow you to stay in those clothes a minute longer when you could wear something cleaner. The germs on those garments will make you sick."

"Hang on, hang on! Did I miss something?" Kankurou asked.

"No, you're just in time!"

"What the hell…? You random… Gaara! Why did you choose him as your personal medic?!"

Gaara sighed. "We're all a little bit confused this morning. Akai, I will take that message from Godaime Hokage and analyse it. You can take Naruto and look after him. As for Kankurou, you can go back to work. I'm busy."

Kankurou pouted but bowed and left the room promptly. The medic pushed Naruto out after Kankurou, grinning back at Gaara all the way.

* * *

The medic, Akai, set Naruto up in a suite in the tower that was usually reserved for guests of ultra-high importance like daimyos or other Kages. Naruto even thought it was a bit much just for him. It was a very large room with an en suite and a walk-in wardrobe to boot, completed with pine furniture and a king size bed. It was even bigger than his apartment.

"Um… Akai-senpai, I'm not sure that this is quite alright, I mean, what if someone comes along and needs to use this room?"

"There are other rooms," Akai replied. He came out of the wardrobe having just decided exactly what exciting range of clothes Naruto would get to wear during his stay. He sat down on Naruto's bed cross-legged. "So… what's the problem?"

"What problem?"

"Why did Godaime Hokage-sama send you here? She didn't specify very clearly."

"You couldn't tell?"

Akai raised an eyebrow at him. Naruto undid his obi and let his new kimono fall open. He put a hand to the curve on his belly where the seal was invisible. Akai nodded in understanding.

"I see… male pregnancy. This'll be tricky but I think I'll be able to handle it. If you can't tell, my forte is actually medicine and drugs. My grandma taught me all the chemistry I know and she was a poison expert. I have concocted an antidote to every vicious poison that's ever been mixed… to my knowledge. Physiology comes second to that by miles."

Naruto blinked curiously. "Who are you? I don't just want your name, what's your background?"

"Oh, my background… well, I'm actually quite proud of most of it. See, my grandmother was a poison expert and a ninja puppeteer. My mother didn't share grandma's interest in making poison, though, she liked genjutsu better. So grandma taught me how to make poison and now look at me, I'm a doctor."

"So, who was your grandmother?"

"A very famous old woman around these parts. Her name was Chiyo-"

"Chiyo?! Your grandmother was also Chiyo?"

"Yep, the best in Suna! I see that even those in Konoha know all about her." Akai beamed with pride.

"That's not the point, I mean, yeah, she is an awesome person but you have the same grandmother as Akasuna no Sasori! Does that mean you two are related?"

"Oh, yeah… Sasori was my cousin," Akai said sadly. "He was nice when he was little, so I don't know what happened. I heard that grandma died after a fight with him. I don't know where he is now, or what he's doing."

"You don't have to, he's dead," Naruto replied.

Akai's head snapped up. "Dead?"

"Yeah, he was killed in that same fight… and I'm sorry about Chiyo."

"You don't have to be. It wasn't your fault and she was really old…"

Akai sighed. Naruto went to say something but decided against it quickly. Akai shook his head and threw on a convincing smile. "Well, in any case, have a lie down and let me check up on your baby. Do you know anything about it yet?"

"Tsunade-baa-chan thinks she knows everything," Naruto said with a pout. "She goes 'I bet that your baby is gonna be a boy with blond hair, black eyes and weighing 2.3 kilos or less', or something along those lines."

"Tsunade? You talking about the Legendary Sannin? I look up to her so much! So I hear she's the Hokage now?"

"Yeah, but-"

"You know, I couldn't think of a better candidate myself. Do you know her personally?"

"Y-yeah…" Naruto winced with Akai accidentally poked really hard.

"Oops, sorry… but really! Gosh, what's she like? Is she an awesome Hokage?"

"That's not the point! The point is that she thinks she knows everything and tells me what my baby is going to be like and I bet a month's worth of nothing but D-rank missions that she would be wrong."

"You know, she's right, actually. A stunning medic with her talent can never get it wrong."

Naruto slapped his forehead.

* * *

Deidara grumbled under his breath and sat down beside a tree, holding his arm. Kisame turned around and sighed. He stomped back to Deidara and made it clear that he was impatient with stopping and starting; he wanted this journey over fast. He stood in front of his comrade and folded his arms.

"What's wrong now?"

"Shut up, un. My arm is still regenerating and since it got wounded it's using more chakra to heal and regrow, un. I just got tired again. If you want to move faster then you can help me out here by giving me something to eat so that I regain my energy faster."

Kisame sighed but he searched through his bags to see if he did have anything Deidara could eat. The wind blew and a new presence could be felt in the air. Deidara and Kisame turned to the path. They saw Sasori standing in the middle of the road staring at them with his blank puppet eyes. Deidara rubbed his eye upon seeing Sasori standing there when he also knew Sasori was killed. Surely he hadn't come back from the dead.

"Deidara, Kisame… it's nice to see you again."

It even sounded like Sasori. Deidara was sure this was a trick, though. He wasn't giving in to this kind of mysterious illusion so quickly… if it was a mysterious illusion.

"Sasori… it's nice to see you too after so long, un."

"Deidara, I thought Sasori was dead," Kisame whispered.

"He was but it's hard to tell with Sasori being the kind of person he is, yeah. So, Sasori, what are you doing here? Are you looking to come back to Akatsuki, un? The leader would welcome you back after this display, yeah."

"Thank-you for such a tempting offer but I decline," Sasori replied. "I found a new organization that I prefer over Akatsuki."

"What organization would that be, un?"

"I don't want to hang around here very long so I'll get to the point," snapped Sasori. "To begin their operations here my new organization needs a very special collection of scrolls. The scrolls are scattered over many countries under the disguises of summoning scrolls, student learning tools and even as Heaven and Earth scrolls used in the chuunin exams. However, the one that we request your help to find is a very special scroll called the Maboroshi Scroll: the seventh in a nine piece set within the necessary collection. As far as we do know, it has not been placed under any disguise but has been hidden very carefully. It was Yondaime Hokage's most prized possession and his family heirloom. Yet we have no hope of finding it. Yondaime left no clues as to where the scroll was hidden, not even to his family, all of the details were in his head but there's still an inkling of a chance that someone else will be able to find it. According to our information there are only two people who have ever seen the scroll: Yondaime Hokage as well as Uzumaki Naruto."

"I guess that's where we come in," Kisame said. "You want us to catch the Kyuubi brat and then make him reveal the hidden scroll. But what would make us want to do that for you?"

"We have payment. The Nanabi is in our possession. If you complete this task for us we will deliver the Nanabi to you and you will also have Uzumaki Naruto and the Kyuubi. There is also an upfront payment." Sasori flipped two rings into the air. Deidara and Kisame caught one each. "I believe you would be looking for those rings that used to belong to Hidan and Kakuzu. We're giving them back to you and if you betray us we'll gladly steal them away."

Deidara and Kisame looked at the rings in their hands. They recognized the kanji in the jewels and the slightly battered appearance of battle-worn jewellery marked the rings as the real deal. Deidara closed his hand over Hidan's ring.

"That sounds fair, un. We accept your deal."

"My organization appreciates it." The wind blew strongly and Sasori disappeared with it. Kisame glared at Deidara.

"Deidara, what are you thinking? You can't be sure that that was the real Sasori!"

"Real Sasori or not, that was a tempting offer, un… too tempting. We got the rings back and we'll get the Nanabi too, and if we fail, we still have the Kyuubi, un."

"But that doesn't make any sense. Why would they give up the Nanabi so easily?"

"They don't need it like we do, un. They're after scrolls."

"But their scrolls will be pretty useless after we have all of the Bijuu."

"What they know won't hurt them, un… much."

* * *

Naruto lay back on his large and very comfortable bed. It was a little bit too large and comfortable for him, though. He was used to his old lumpy mattress in his own apartment. The sheets weren't his favourite colour either… blue. That was the colour theme for the entire room: blue. Naruto liked bright oranges and yellows and he liked certain greens because they complimented orange very well but he didn't like blue. It was Sasuke's favourite colour.

He sat up again. He couldn't bring himself to fall asleep on this bed.

Akai entered uninvited. "Naruto, you're not asleep yet?"

"Why do you care? Go away."

"Sleep is an important part of rest. Since your babies are eating all of your chakra you need to recuperate as much as possible just to keep yourself alive. So go to sleep."

"I can't sleep! This room is annoying; this bed is annoying and… what?"

"Oh, yeah!" Akai exclaimed as he just remembered something. "I have some great news and I have some terrible news from the examination I did earlier: you've got triplets!"

"You're kidding!"

"Nope!" said Akai, skipping into the room and jumping onto Naruto's bed. "You were gonna be a mother of three."

Naruto looked at Akai, afraid of what would be said next. "What do you mean by 'were'?"

"Well, that's the terrible news," Akai said, looking down at his fingers working the silky bed covers. "One of them has already died."

It was as if a jolt of electricity had struck Naruto straight in the brain and his body was rendered useless. He covered his swelling tummy with his arms and curled up.

"I'm sorry…"

"Tsunade never said anything about triplets… she said there was going to be one."

"I think she just didn't want to set you up for disappointment," Akai replied, looking genuinely apologetic. "I guess I've ruined it then. I mean, wouldn't it have been better if you suddenly gave birth to twins that you weren't expecting than to know that one of your babies died in the womb?"

Naruto swallowed thickly. Tears gathered in his eyes and overflowed. "Are you going to take it out?"

Akai shuffled forward and pulled Naruto into a hug. "I'm sorry, Naruto… they're identical, which means they all live in the same ovum. We won't be able to remove it without causing some sort of permanent damage to its siblings. You'll have to wait until birth. I'm sorry to tell you but I thought you deserved the truth. It's your baby."

Naruto muttered something as Akai got off his bed and made his way to the door. "Goodnight, Naruto."

He shut the door. Naruto looked through the windows at the half moon in the sky. He counted down the days to his baby's birth unenthusiastically.

* * *

Sasuke wondered what would become of him now. He'd betrayed his team he'd betrayed Orochimaru and now he was by himself… but he was powerful now. As he lay in bed at the post town inn he flexed his fingers in front of his face. He was always a little bit amazed by how small his hands were. They were so slender they were almost feminine. He remembered always hating shopping with his mother for ninja supplies and having to buy the kunai designed for female hands. Of course, he was Uchiha Sasuke so nobody made fun of him for it or even noticed.

Sasuke growled. He'd told himself to not think of the past and the good things that happened because when he did he always thought of Naruto. He tried to push the thoughts to the back of his head and move on, just thinking of defeating Itachi, killing him and then figuring it out from there. Sasuke sighed. Kakashi had been right: revenge wounded him more than it wounded the victim. Itachi was probably having the time of his life somewhere and Sasuke was being eaten alive from the inside. He put a hand on his chest and tried to breathe past all of those suffocating, dark things he'd done in order to achieve his goal. He did anything for power, he did anything to forget ties and he did anything to isolate himself from the rest of society. He even raped an innocent girl. Maybe he was completely losing it.

Lately he'd found himself growing restless when he thought of the things like that. He suddenly felt that he was his own worst enemy; he needed to take revenge on himself. He grabbed his own arms and dragged his nails down the skin. He was tossing and turning. He kicked his clothes off the end of the mattress by mistake and accidentally knocked over a vase on the bedside table with his hand. If this was how power felt he'd rather commit suicide.

He turned onto his side and tried to sleep but someone had started to knock on his door. He got up and answered it no matter how irritated he was. The person on the other side of the door was a redhead wearing an Akatsuki cloak. Sasuke tried to slam the door on him but he held out his hand to keep the door open.

"What do you want?" Sasuke growled. He knew this guy. Orochimaru sometimes talked about him. Akasuna no Sasori: Sasori of the Red Sand. If Sasori wanted anything to do with him, he didn't want anything to do with it.

"I came to visit… you need to have a very important talk with someone," Sasori replied.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Who I talk to is none of your business. Do you think I'm about to start talking to you?"

"My organization would like me to talk to you," Sasori growled impatiently. "We're concerned about the fate of your friend, Uzumaki Naruto."

"I don't want anything to do with Uzumaki. I'm over it all."

"Don't interrupt me! Akatsuki is going after him now. They're going to capture him and bring him back to Konoha…"

"Shut up! Why do I care? What happens to Uzumaki is of no concern to me," Sasuke said over the top of Sasori's explanation.

"…Maboroshi scroll."

Sasuke's eyes widened. He'd heard of that somewhere in the clan establishment when the Uchiha clan was still alive. He couldn't remember where or who or exactly what words had been said but he remembered that there was something about it that made him shiver. "Good luck finding that! Apparently only Yondaime Hokage knew where it was and he's dead."

"Only Yondaime Hokage and Uzumaki Naruto know where it is."

Sasuke's eyebrows shot up. "Uzumaki Naruto? When did he ever see it? Why?"

"Yondaime Hokage revealed it to Naruto before the sealing of the Kyuubi. That's the only time Naruto ever saw it."

"Then he was only a baby! He wouldn't remember now."

"But the memory is stored in his brain somewhere. It needs special triggering to come to the surface. Akatsuki is going to figure out how that trigger works and then they are going to exploit Naruto to the fullest before they kill him."

"Like I said before… I don't care about Uzumaki anymore."

"But you care about your clan, don't you? Do you want to see its revival?"

Sasuke glared at him. "Of course I do."

"Then seek out Uzumaki Naruto… he can help you." Sasori turned to leave but turned back around quickly to add: "And next time, don't take so long to answer the door. I hate waiting."

Sasuke shut his door and bit his lip. What was he going to do?

* * *

(Just as an afterthought, I tell by reading the reviews where you all want this story to go. Just so you know, I don't like doing what other people tell me to do. I will try to surprise you at the end.)


	7. Chapter 7

**WARNING: THERE'S GOING TO BE A SEVERE, EXPLICIT LEMON, LIKE, RIGHT NOW!!**

* * *

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Seven: Smart Revelations**

Naruto woke up and, to his surprise, found Sasuke sitting on his bed. He stood up on the mattress and glared down at Sasuke. He felt so much lighter for some reason, like he wasn't pregnant. Sasuke looked up at him and smiled.

"I see you're awake," he stated casually as if there wasn't any tension between them.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came for you," Sasuke replied huskily. He crawled onto the bed and pulled Naruto down by his wrist. Naruto found himself on his back completely naked with Sasuke straddling him, also nude.

"Sasuke, what the hell is wrong with you? What do you think you're doing?"

Sasuke put his finger to Naruto's lips and bent down to suck at his neck. Naruto gasped at the pleasurable feeling. Sasuke's other hand wandered over Naruto's warm chest and flat, muscled stomach. He kissed his way up Naruto's neck and along his jaw until he got to Naruto's lips. He enveloped them in a passionate kiss. Naruto moaned. It felt _so_ good. He even found himself kissing back. Sasuke's wandering hand found its way back up to his chest and teased his nipples. Naruto arched his back into Sasuke's touch. Sasuke broke the kiss for air.

"Sasuke…" Naruto panted.

"Hm?"

"You're touching my nipples."

"I know… and it feels good doesn't it."

"No," Naruto moaned out pleasurably.

Sasuke smirked and started to travel downwards. His mouth reached Naruto's chest and his hands… Naruto moaned when Sasuke touched him. Sasuke kissed his chest and ran his tongue over his nipples. Naruto ran his fingers through Sasuke's hair roughly. He massaged Sasuke's head while the traitor made love to him. One of his hands stroked Sasuke's back and slid around to the front to feel Sasuke's nipples. Sasuke moaned while he sucked on Naruto's chest, leaving a dark hickey behind. His lips started to travel downwards again and his hands gingerly caressed Naruto's thighs.

"Sasuke, this is so wrong. Why are we doing this?" Naruto said. He moaned when Sasuke reached his groin.

"Just because it feels good doesn't mean it's wrong," Sasuke said, licking the sensitive skin. Naruto shivered.

Suddenly Sasuke moved away. He reached into a bucket on the bedside table and took out an ice cube. He smirked as he placed it on Naruto's chest. Naruto sucked in a breath at the coldness of the ice. It melted so easily on his heated skin. Sasuke drew wet patterns on his chest and made a line down his abdomen that ended just short of his belly button. The ice had completely melted. Sasuke shook his head.

"It looks like you need to cool down."

Sasuke took another ice cube out of his bucket and touched it to Naruto's throbbing member. Naruto cried out. It was uncomfortable but at the same time it felt good. He could swear that he could see steam in the air. Sasuke dropped the second ice cube and left it on Naruto's groin. He reached into his bucket and got two more ice cubes, one for each hand. He spread his fingers over Naruto's chest and slid the ice up and down his pectorals and around his nipples. It made Naruto feel hotter rather than cold. He moaned wantonly and pulled Sasuke in for a rough kiss. Sasuke gladly kissed back. He left an ice cube between their chests and reached for a fresh one. With a new ice cube he drew a line down Naruto's side. He dragged it sensually over Naruto's genitals and then started to go even lower until he eventually pushed it…

Naruto awoke screaming.

After five minutes of screaming Naruto stopped to take a real breath and wonder why the neighbour hadn't thrown a shoe at the wall of her apartment and yelled at him to shut up. Then he remembered that he'd been staying in one of the guest rooms in the Kazekage Tower. No one had probably heard him scream. He sighed sadly and wished that he was back home in his crummy apartment with the nasty young lady next door who had spent the last two years dreaming about moving in with her boyfriend and getting away from him. Even if she was as nasty to him as all of the other villagers he liked her presence. It was his anchor to reality. If he had a bad dream and woke up screaming she'd remind him that it wasn't like that.

Naruto was about to get out of bed when he realized that there was something a little bit wrong with his situation. He pulled back his doona and saw a small wet patch between his legs. _"Oh no… it can't be!"_ he thought. But it looked like it definitely was. He screamed again.

* * *

Temari sat down and made herself comfortable in the visitors' lounge. She knew Gaara, Kankurou and the janitors would get mad at her for sitting in the visitors' lounge but it had some of the most comfortable furniture available in the Kazekage Tower and she was exhausted from her most recent mission. Not to mention she was dirty, her clothes were bloodstained and she hadn't had a bath yet.

It was still very early because Gaara hadn't turned up to work yet. Temari decided she'd get a cup of hot coffee from the coffee machine. While the paper cup was filling Temari turned around to see if she could inspect the damage she'd done do the armchair she'd sat in and a blur of orange and white shot past. It ran into the adjoining hall and disappeared. Temari blinked and rubbed her eyes. She ran after the blur and saw it running into a door labelled 'Staff Only'. Temari rushed in after it.

That 'Staff Only' room was a laundry room. Naruto was sitting on one of the washing machines wearing his orange jumpsuit jacket and a pair of boxers and reaching around behind him for the 'On' button.

"Naruto, what are you doing here?" Temari asked.

"Fuck off," Naruto snapped back.

Temari blinked at that. "Then why are you up so early?"

"Fuck off."

"Do you want a coffee? Or if you want I can make you some breakfast. What do you want to eat?"

"Fuck off."

"Pancakes? Okay, that's easy to make too. Would you like one or two?"

"Fuck off?" Naruto didn't get it. Didn't she understand what he was saying? He was pretty sure they were speaking the same language.

"Two? Great, I think I'll make some for myself too since I'm starving."

Temari flashed him one of her grins and left the laundry. Naruto stared at her. "Fuck… off?"

"By the way, it's the green button." Temari shut the door and left for good this time. Naruto turned around and found a large green button labelled 'START'. He smacked his forehead.

Temari seemed to be a completely different person in the morning.

* * *

Naruto poked his head around the corner of the kitchen door. Temari was sitting at the table with a plate of pancakes in front of her. She sipped her coffee and ignored Naruto as he sat down at a plate across from her with two pancakes on it. It was smothered in an unhealthy amount of honey and the edge of one was a bit burnt. Naruto tore a small piece off and popped it into his mouth. It was a little bit too sweet thanks to all the honey but it tasted fine otherwise. Naruto picked up a knife and cut his pancakes in half. He rolled up one half of his first pancake and almost shoved the entire thing in his mouth.

Akai shuffled in with loud yawn and scratched an itch on his shoulder. "Ah, Temari, you're back already? That was quick."

"It was easy," Temari replied. "You want pancakes?"

"I see that you haven't finished your coffee yet," Akai said. "What's Naruto eating?"

"Pancakes…"

"You made them, didn't you?"

Temari nodded.

Naruto was about to take another half pancake but Akai stole his plate away. Naruto glared at the medic. "Since Temari made this I can't allow you to eat it, Naruto. Now if she was actually clean I might make an allowance for such an unhealthy breakfast but she hasn't even bothered to take a bath before cooking. She shouldn't even be sitting at the table."

Akai threw the remnants of Naruto's breakfast in the bin and walked around the kitchen looking for eggs and vegetables to make something Naruto knew he was going to hate. Temari looked like she didn't give a damn about what Akai had just said… she would get back at him later.

* * *

Naruto hung out his sheets on the roof of the Kazekage Tower on a line that Akai had set up for him. He pegged down his last sheet and stood back to watch the row of sheets and a doona blow in the wind. It was very windy in Sand Country, Naruto had noticed. Just the other week there had been a sandstorm and everything had to be closed down all day. Naruto jokingly wondered if sandstorms in Sunagakure were caused by a change in Gaara's mood.

Naruto felt a poke in his kidneys. He patted his growing belly to try and make the babies stop. They had already started to kick and were much heavier than before. Instead of stop the babies kicked even more.

Naruto stroked his belly and stared at his drying sheets. Then he started to wonder about the dream he'd had last night. He was extremely worried that he was having wet dreams about his ex-best friend, especially such graphic dreams. And why Sasuke? He'd rather do it with Chouji's dad! Actually, no, he'd rather do it with Sasuke – very bad visuals suddenly entered his mind. But still, why Sasuke? He was sure that a wet dream about Sakura would have been much nicer.

Naruto turned around when the roof door banged open. Lee was standing there barely being held back by three Sand ninja. He stared at Naruto incredulously and paled. "Naruto…! It really is you!"

* * *

Naruto didn't know how Lee smashing his way into Kazekage Tower had led to this. Naruto was sure that the world didn't revolve around Lee so it shouldn't bring the Kazekage, his siblings and Team Gai (minus Gai) all sitting at the kitchen table with a warm French Vanilla coffee each, provided by Akai. Lee and Temari sat beside each other, thinking. It was actually funny because they both had exactly the same look on their faces.

"But he's a boy…" Lee said. Something in his head wasn't working, he thought.

"Yes, but he got pregnant," Akai replied.

"But he's a _boy_," Temari added. Akai didn't know how difficult this was to swallow, did he? It's not just 'I know you've learnt in the past that boys can't have babies but now a boy is having a baby'. There was something wrong about that statement. "He can't have a baby… where will it come out?"

"There's a solution for that," Akai assured them.

Tenten was extremely shocked. Naruto could tell because she was still trying to drink her coffee even though she'd downed it almost half an hour ago. Neji shook his head in pity for his team mate and swapped her empty cup for his, which he hadn't even started. Lee furrowed his brows so closely together they looked like one thick, black worm across his forehead.

"I don't understand… he's a boy…"

"Yes, I'm a boy!" Naruto suddenly burst out. "Yes, I am pregnant! Do you want proof? Here, I'll give you proof!" Naruto unzipped his jacket to show his grown tummy. Tenten stared with her mouth agape. She tried to take a huge gulp of her coffee but she missed and it ended up spilling into her lap. Lee's eyebrows shot up so far they looked like they were part of his hair. Temari quickly turned away and started to fan herself with her coaster. Even Neji twitched at the sight – it just wasn't normal for a guy. Kankurou swallowed the last gulp of his coffee thickly. He knew he was never going to get used to that or forget it. Gaara was impassive as usual.

"Naruto, zip up your jacket," Gaara sighed. "You're just making yourself look silly and your disturbing the company."

"Oh God…" Tenten muttered. "I need to tell someone about this. Can I tell someone about this?"

"No," was the chorused reply.

* * *

Sasuke sighed and leaned back on the hay pile to stare at the sky. It was blue with occasional white patches of clouds and the sun was out to warm the world. Sasuke sighed again and lifted his head to look over the railing of the cart to see the rice fields completely flooded. The sun reflected off the water, creating a glint on the stillness. Sasuke turned to look ahead of the cart. There was still no sign that the rice fields would end soon and the old man's horse was slow.

Sunagakure… that's what he'd heard about the whereabouts of Naruto. That blond idiot was somewhere in Sunagakure and he held the answer to reviving his clan? Somehow that didn't seem very possible… unless Sasuke had knocked that girl up. However, he didn't see how that linked to Naruto at all. He thought it was all just weird. He was jealous of Naruto because he knew somewhere deep inside that Naruto was going to surpass him. He knew that Naruto was more revered among those who actually, truly mattered and he was just the sad, pathetic survivor of a terrible massacre. He also knew that part of it was because Yondaime Hokage had picked Naruto to seal the demon fox within.

"_Why Naruto?"_ Sasuke wondered. Sasuke had only been born a few months before the attack and he had been available but Yondaime picked Naruto. What was so special about Naruto? Was it because his mother died at birth and Yondaime had felt sorry for him? Was it because he was born on the day? Was it because Yondaime knew that there would be no one to love and take care of an orphaned newborn so soon after an attack? A lot of the questions he asked didn't have answers, they just inspired more questions.

Sasuke saw another road branch off from the main road. "Old man, I'm getting off here," he announced to the old man driving the cart.

"Yes, yes, that's fine," replied the driver. Sasuke hopped off the cart and started to walk down the branching path. He cracked his knuckles.

* * *

Naruto looked out at the moon through the rippled window of his bathroom. He was sure that it was a full moon and that meant only three short months to go until the birth and then he could go home back to his apartment in Konoha. He was beginning to hate it in Sunagakure. Gaara wouldn't hang out with him when he got lonely because he was too busy, Kankurou and Temari always seemed to be busy – and Temari was still dreadfully shaken – and even though they had all vouched to take care of him the only person he ever saw was Akai.

He was a little afraid to go to bed that night. It had been a while since that dream but he didn't want to risk having another 'nightmare' like that. He was about to get up and surrender to the need to sleep but he noticed a package on the side of the sink. It was wrapped in purple tissue paper and green string with a card on it that said: "To Naruto, From Tsunade." Naruto ripped the package open.

It was a book. A small blue book with silver letters spelling out the title: 'Terms of Pregnancy'. Naruto opened to a random page. It was like a dictionary for pregnant women with all sorts of terms and definitions. Naruto just so happened to land on the L section and his eyes were drawn to a specific word on the page: 'libido'.

_Libido: the sexual urge (def.). During pregnancy most women will experience a drop in libido – most commonly during the first pregnancy – which almost always results in a complete disinterest in sex. However, in some cases a woman's libido increases while she is pregnant. Increased hormonal activity will cause…_

Naruto shut the book. He put it back down and didn't pick it up again. But nevertheless… maybe that's what this was all about. Yet it didn't describe why he was thinking about Sasuke.

* * *

Sasuke turned around to examine his tracks in the sand. He couldn't see things in his shadow but everything else was lit by the full moon. He could see his tracks disappearing behind rocks and some low vegetation. In front of him stretched desert sand and very small shrubs dotting the country here and there. Sasuke was sure that there would soon be even less plants the further he reached into the desert. He turned to walk forward again, anticipating his most recent meeting with Naruto.

* * *

This chapter's a little chipped and chopped. I didn't realise that before. Oh well...


	8. Chapter 8

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Eight: Ellipsis **

Naruto had less than three more months to go before birth and then he could go back to Konoha and forget that this all ever happened. Kazekage Tower was actually quite boring after the incident yet Naruto suddenly found that he had energy… lots of energy. Akai could swear that there was no way Naruto could sit still for more than five minutes anymore. He wasn't allowed out on a regular basis and there weren't any games for him to play in the tower so Naruto did the only thing that was just as much fun as playing games and not against he Kazekage Tower rules: he cooked.

At first Naruto didn't know where to start. He usually burnt what he was trying to make and one time he almost set the kitchen on fire so Akai lent his assistance. Naruto eventually got better at cooking after many failed attempts including cookies that were as tough as rocks, dry soup and cakes that crumbled when they were cut. He enjoyed baking the most. Cookies were his favourite but he never had the appetite to eat them, he just put them away in jars and stored them on shelves.

"Naruto, enough is enough," Akai said as he put away a jar full of jam tart biscuits. "Nobody in Kazekage Tower eats this many cookies, not even over a long period of time. Why do you keep making them?"

"So that I don't get bored," Naruto replied. Akai sighed when he saw that he was putting another batch of jam tarts in the oven and was about to put icing between some chocolate biscuits.

"Okay, Naruto please stop making cookies! We cannot consume them as fast as you produce them!" Akai pointed to two shelves full of cookie jars and no possible room for more… and they were the only spare shelves in the kitchen. Akai could swear that this was a dastardly prank of Naruto's in disguise, Tsunade had warned him about Naruto's mischievous streak.

"Well, just get a DIY kit and make new shelves."

"Naruto, you're missing the point. These cookies are going to sit here until they've past their use-by date. What can we possibly do with them?"

"The Ninja Academy and the public primary school are coming tomorrow to learn about the politics. We can just hand them out. Why are they doing that anyway?"

"Today's a public holiday," Akai explained. "They're having excursions because it's anniversary of Sunagakure." Naruto looked confused so Akai continued. "We're celebrating the day that the Shodaime Kazekage founded this Hidden Village. In fact, we're all going to go and have a picnic tonight and watch a firework show."

"What? You mean even Gaara? I thought he would be…"

"Gaara doesn't get to work as hard today, he has a vacation too."

"Oh great, so Gaara has a vacation and he doesn't come to see me! Let's see how he likes Naruto on attention demand!"

"Naruto, I don't want you doing anything to the Kazekage," Akai said.

"Don't worry about it; I have to finish these biscuits first."

* * *

Gaara stretched his wrist to try and get rid of the pain. He thought at first that it was a cramp but when it didn't go away he started to get worried and Akai was right there to take care of it. Gaara could swear the guy was telepathic. The minute he started thinking about getting it looked at Akai walked in through the door. He bandaged Gaara's wrist and explained that it was just a sprain caused by too much writing.

"You should get out of your office," Akai suggested. "Come to the picnic with us."

"I've already told you, I don't feel comfortable in the middle of social events. I would rather not…"

"Please, Naruto is really looking forward to an outing with you."

"Don't test my patience, Akai." Gaara picked up his pen and started to write again but instead of writing the pen stuck to the paper and didn't move. Gaara lifted his pen and the paper came with it.

"It'll probably get worse than that if you aren't coming."

Gaara sighed. "Okay, but only this once." He stood up and stood on an explosive tag. It exploded with a pop and spread purple gas, herbs and spices around the room. The herbs and spices created a strong odour and got up Gaara and Akai's noses, causing them to cough and sneeze uncontrollably. Gaara suddenly started scratching at his chest furiously.

"Gaara-sama," Akai said past a sneeze. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm allergic to thyme."

* * *

Akai burst into the kitchen in a rage and found Naruto happily frying some omelets for the picnic. Naruto turned to the medic and his smile faded. Akai radiated loathing and the desire to hurt someone. Naruto frowned but didn't move. Akai stomped over to him and slapped him.

"Thanks, Naruto! Thanks to your stupid spice bomb Gaara isn't coming to the picnic."

* * *

Sasuke had found infiltrating Sunagakure easy. It didn't seem very well guarded on that particular day. The streets were completely packed but the shops and businesses were closed. He figured it was a public holiday or something. He wished he'd taken the opportunity to get new clothes at the last post town, but it was far too late now. The closest town to Sunagakure was miles away but that was the price of living in the desert.

He started to wander aimlessly. Where could Naruto be? He was most probably hiding with a foster family but Sasuke didn't think anyone would be very willing to take in a jinchuuriki unless it was their Kazekage. Sasuke looked up and caught sight of the Kazekage Tower. _"Of course…"_ All Sasuke needed now was to approach the tower at the right time to get Naruto by himself. Normally he would wait and watch for a while but right now he was too impatient for that. He wanted Naruto's answers as soon as possible.

* * *

Sakura wanted to stand up and pace and tug at her hair and bang her head against something but she had to remain calm. She was in front of all her friends and she was their host so she had to look somewhat dignified and casual at the same time. But what Tenten had suddenly blurted out made her twitch. Sakura's living room was plunged into silence. Tenten had her hand over her mouth like she'd just said something taboo (which she had) and her physical appearance was a mess since she hadn't been able to sleep easy for a while. It must have been because of what she had needed to say. They weren't even on that topic and she randomly blurted it out: "Naruto is pregnant!"

The other girls stared at her for some time. Ino had been wondering what happened to Tenten's perfect buns and pretty face but she now looked like she'd lost her train of thought completely. Moegi (Sakura invited her because she was Naruto's friend and she did want to get to know her better) started eating the biscuits laid out for them one-by-one and wondered where Tenten's mind had gone. Hinata's face flushed and she eventually fainted. Sakura was paralysed. She was so frozen she couldn't even will her legs to help her get up and find some smelling salts for Hinata. By the way, how the hell did Tenten ever find out about Naruto?

"Tenten, have you been taking something illegal?" Ino asked, breaking the agonizing silence. Tenten shook her head.

"You know boys can't get pregnant, don't you?" said Moegi. Tenten nodded.

"It's true," she said through her fingers. "I saw him with my own eyes!"

"Saw him where? I haven't seen him for ages," Moegi gasped.

"I saw him in Sunagakure. He's really pregnant."

"Tenten, that can't be…" Ino shook her head.

"Actually, it is," Sakura said. The girls who were still awake stared at her. "Naruto is pregnant and Tsunade and Shizune have no idea what happened to make it that way. All we know is that it's Sasuke's child and some other trivial details."

Ino gaped. "Sasuke! Since when did Naruto get close enough to be impregnated by Sasuke? And since when could a male get pregnant?"

"On a mission about six to seven months ago. I'm not sure how well he's faring but as far as I know he's still alive."

Ino and Moegi exchanged glances. Tenten looked confused because first of all she didn't think anyone would believe her and secondly nobody was mad at her for telling. Ino suddenly started waving her hands around.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! So Naruto's just suddenly going to have a baby? This is too weird."

Sakura nodded in understanding.

"There's no way to reverse it now, is there?" Moegi sighed. "What can we do?"

The girls sat in silence again but this time it was a very different silence. Everybody smiled (except Hinata) and the air felt lighter now that they were all thinking exactly the same thing: "Baby shower!"

* * *

"Naruto, aren't you going to come?" Temari asked. "You spent all that time making food; don't you want to eat it?"

Naruto shook his head. "Nah, I feel too guilty about that bomb I left in Gaara's office so I'm going to stay and look after Gaara."

"Hey, come on, you didn't know he was allergic," Kankurou said.

"But it's affecting me. I'll just stay and make sure nothing happens to him. Besides, I'm sure I can see anything from the tower so I'll make sure to not miss out on the fireworks."

Temari shrugged. "Okay, suit yourself but Gaara will be fine by tomorrow." She turned and left with her brother and Akai.

About an hour later Naruto wished his conscious hadn't been so loud and demanding. He wished he'd gone with Temari, Kankurou and Akai instead of staying behind to look after Gaara, even if it was his fault that the Kazekage was rendered unable to breathe for almost five minutes because of him. He tried to do anything to pass the time. He successfully killed most of it by baking a chocolate cake and amused himself for a while by reading random definitions in the blue book. He even went so far as to set up something special for the two siblings and the medic for when they got home but Naruto still found himself sinking into boredom. He gave up and checked that Gaara was asleep in his room before resigning to his own bedroom for the night. He checked the clock on the wall. He'd have to stay up for another half an hour before the fireworks started. Then he decided that he might sleep, seeing as he didn't have anything else to do all night.

Naruto lay back on his bed. He felt his babies move. He sighed rubbed his stomach, still not used to the feeling of something inside him almost ready to come out. It wasn't very comfortable.

The balcony door opened and shut. Naruto sat up quickly. Sasuke was leaning against the door to the balcony and staring at Naruto impassively. Naruto rubbed his eyes and wondered if this was also a dream but Sasuke was still there. He shuddered and backed up against the wall.

"Naruto," Sasuke said smoothly, "what are you doing? You're beginning to look like Akimichi Chouji."

Naruto gritted his teeth. He knew that he was actually skinny compared to even an almost twig-like figure like Ino. His eyes narrowed and he didn't bother to hide a scowl. "I'm not fat… I just chose to carry a small burden for the sake of myself and Konoha."

"I see you chose to carry it up your shirt."

"It's inside me you jerk! I have to do this because of you! It's your fault because you felt horny one night and raped an innocent girl."

Sasuke raised his eyebrows and jumped. Naruto didn't see Sasuke's expression in his silhouette but he did see him make a start. "How do you know what I did? Did Tsunade give you orders to kill me… or spy on me?"

"Tsunade forbade me from doing anything related to you but I… I couldn't resist. Sasuke I miss you and if you come back to Konoha with me maybe I'll forgive you for what you've done…"

Sasuke cut him off by slamming him into the wall lightning fast. His eyes flashed red for a second. "I don't want your forgiveness… _demon boy_! Why the hell don't you just hate me? I did all the things I did just so that you would hate me! Hate me!"

"Sasuke… I can't," Naruto choked. "You're still my friend… in my heart… and your child…"

Sasuke pushed him down to the floor. "I don't have a baby!"

"You do too! They're twins! Look, they're inside me you shit-face!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke started to take steps away. "Your brother had a nicer heart than you do!"

"Don't talk about Itachi like that! He's a traitor and he did a horrible thing, much more horrible than anything I could do by myself."

"You didn't do anything by yourself, weakling! You got tons of help! You got help from Orochimaru. You didn't even betray Konoha and your friends all by yourself! That's how weak you are! Now what do you think you're doing here? I haven't got anything to give you except two stupid, unborn babies that shouldn't be where they are right now."

"Naruto… you expect me to believe that you're pregnant?"

Naruto nodded.

Sasuke laughed. "Naruto, that's just silly… or do you think I'm stupid? Boys can't have babies."

"Look, you bastard! I'm having your babies, okay? Why would I lie to you about this? Not only is it dumb and a prank that nobody with an inkling of common sense would believe but it hurts! I wouldn't have considered that before but carrying a living thing around in your belly really hurts. My back hurts, my kidneys get kicked and at the end of it I get to have contractions. It's not fun and it's not _funny_!"

Sasuke continued to snigger anyway. "Then maybe it would be in your best interest if I finished what I started over three years ago… and finish what I started about seven months ago as well."

Naruto's eyes widened and he suddenly wished that Sasuke still didn't get it. Sasuke drew his sword and raised it above his head, ready to strike. Naruto was backed against a wall and didn't have any options. He put his face in his hands and his head down, waiting for the blow that would end it. _"I'm sorry, Sakura,"_ he thought, _"I broke my promise to you."_

A firework started in the night sky. It illuminated the room like lightning but Naruto didn't see it. He waited but nothing happened. He looked up and saw that Sasuke was hesitating. He grabbed the hilt with both shaking hands. Naruto narrowed his eyes.

"What's the matter, Sasuke? Can't do it?"

Sasuke growled and the Sharingan took over his eyes. He stabbed Naruto in the shoulder, slicing a vital blood vessel. Naruto relaxed… it was over now. All he had to do was wait until he bled to death and that would do it.

_Sorry…_

Sasuke let go of his sword and backed away onto Naruto's bed. He'd done it; he'd killed his best friend. Now the Mangekyo Sharingan would be bestowed upon him, he would have power equal to his brother's. Then why was it so hard? Killing Itachi was the only thing Sasuke could swear he cared about but then why did killing Naruto hurt this much? His eyeballs stung and his head hurt but that was nothing compared the emotional hurt. It eventually got to a point where he couldn't keep his eyes open because of the pain. He slid off the bed and tried to sense Naruto's chakra signature. It was fading but he could feel it. He crawled over to Naruto and felt for his head. Sasuke snuggled close to Naruto, glad that he was still warm.

"Naruto, I'm sorry… but this is your fault. If you hated me we wouldn't feel this way and this wouldn't be happening like this. So don't die. Even if the Mangekyo will retract I don't want it if it makes me feel like this."

Sasuke got a shock when Naruto's vital signs suddenly jumped back to life. His nails morphed into claws and his teeth turned into fangs. Naruto grabbed his arms roughly, pinching and piercing the skin. His hair stood on end and chakra started to leak out of his body as if it was too much to be contained. The wound on his shoulder healed so fast it heated up and steamed. Naruto grinned. "Thank-you, Uchiha-san… I owe my freedom unto you."

Naruto turned his gaze up to Sasuke. Sasuke's eyes opened and widened at the new red in Naruto's eyes. "Kyuubi…"

"Pleased to meet you," the monster teased.

"Don't do this to Naruto… don't do this me… unlike me, Naruto has promise."

"I don't care. My conscious is free! I have control of this godforsaken brat's body and I know he thanks me for it."

"What did you do to Naruto?" Sasuke demanded. The Kyuubi in Naruto's skin grinned and all of a sudden Sasuke was standing ankle-deep in water in the sewers of Naruto's mind. Kyuubi stood behind him and chuckled. Sasuke looked down the hall at the giant cage gates with the seal firmly in place. The Kyuubi's real body laid lifeless inside but appeared to be curled up as if it was just asleep. Sasuke noticed movement at the front of the cage. He was small and almost couldn't be seen from where Sasuke was but he knew that it was Naruto. "Let him out."

The Kyuubi giggled and Sasuke found himself back in the real world all of a sudden. "Why would I do that? It's been sixteen tedious years stuck in that cage and even if my body is still trapped my mind is as free as a bird… and frankly, I enjoy it very much."

"Damn demon! Let Naruto out of the seal!"

"And who are you to tell me to do that? You're just a human and though I'm in a human body I surpass you without doubt, even after damnation." Those smaller hands of Naruto's performed six hand seals. "I'll show you what I mean… _kitsuneka no jutsu_!"

A green fireball was spat from Naruto's mouth. It was powerful enough to throw Sasuke through the window glass. Kyuubi jumped out after him at a speed that he shouldn't have been able to achieve in the state Naruto's body was in. Sasuke landed on his feet on a building just beside the Kazekage Tower. Kyuubi landed in front of him on all fours and kicked with both feet. Sasuke was tripped by the kick to his ankle and fell forward. Kyuubi kicked Sasuke in the side to make him roll in midair and punched him in the gut.

"I get it now…" Sasuke coughed.

"Do you think that's going to make me stop? I'll beat you up even if it kills whatever this thing in my belly is. Besides, you haven't seen some of the best bits… _kitsune no genjutsu_!"

The fireworks crackled fiercely in the night sky. Kyuubi picked up a roundish pebble off the roof top and rolled it in Sasuke's direction. It grew so large that it would flatten Sasuke if it rolled over him. Sasuke was knocked off the roof with the pebble turned boulder bouncing after him. Kyuubi made a dog seal and concentrated his chakra into his technique. The boulder exploded. Sasuke was sent flying even further. He smacked into a wall on another building and slid down the coarse rock used to build it. It left a large, bleeding graze on his back and a huge bruise on his thigh where he landed. Kyuubi flickered down to Sasuke and grinned at him. Sasuke looked up and wondered how a pregnant boy managed to look so threatening.

The demon laughed. "Oh, Uchiha-san! You should have seen yourself! You were knocked down by a tiny pebble." Kyuubi bent down and picked up the small pebble he'd thrown at Sasuke. It was as if it hadn't changed a bit, only now it was slightly chipped. Sasuke growled at him. "Don't be sour, it's Fox Magic. The genjutsu attacks your mind directly, so it doesn't know that what you're experiencing isn't real. It's a bit like that Mangekyo Sharingan your brother has."

"Don't call Itachi my brother," Sasuke hissed, pushing his aching body up.

"Then what? Your relative? Konoha's traitor? Your father's son?"

Sasuke activated his Sharingan and growled. "Don't _ever_ call Itachi that in front of me! _Katon: Gokakyu no jutsu_!"

Sasuke let his clan technique fire away. He no longer cared if that was Naruto's body or that Naruto's body held his heirs, he wanted to do physical harm to the Kyuubi. The Kyuubi flickered away and Sasuke's technique went soaring into the sky with the sparkling backdrop of fireworks. The Kyuubi laughed at him again. "Face it, Uchiha-san, you haven't got even a hope against me, especially if you think a juvenile attack like that could even hurt me."

Sasuke growled. "_Katon: Hosenka no jutsu_!"

Sasuke fired his second fire technique. The Kyuubi simply took a deep breath and roared. Most of the fire was dispelled. He summoned a paper fan and blew the rest back towards Sasuke with ten times the might of the initial blast. Sasuke was hurled into a wall by the flames and the enormous gust of wind. Kyuubi giggled in spite of himself.

"Oh, excuse me, you're struggling so much but I can't help but giggle. Forgive my rudeness."

The Kyuubi picked up leaves. With a poof they turned into replications that each held a kunai. The kunai were thrown without a second's hesitation. Sasuke caught the kunai and threw them straight back. They just went straight through the replications. His eyes widened. If the replications weren't real then how could the kunai be real?

"Like I said, Fox Magic," Kyuubi explained. "Your mind doesn't know that it isn't real… and neither does the rest of the world."

The replications pulled shuriken out of their sleepwear and charged for Sasuke. They each threw a shuriken at the same time. Sasuke caught them easily and threw them back. The replications caught the shuriken and stabbed Sasuke in the kidneys with them. They twisted and spun the weapons in Sasuke's kidneys. Sasuke tried to grab them but for a second forgot that he couldn't touch them and felt thin air. Sasuke glared at the Kyuubi. It laughed at him demonically in Naruto's body, which ticked Sasuke off. He kept thinking: _"How dare that foul, disgusting creature…?"_ He hardly realized through his rage at the time but his Sharingan was changing and taking on a different shape. Kyuubi's eyes widened when he caught sight of Sasuke's Sharingan, having not expected it.

The world faded into sparkles, fire and a kaleidoscope of pain.


	9. Chapter 9

Welcome to random fluffy crap about babies, some speculation about bloodline limits that shows the _oldness_ of this story and some cutsie SasuNaru bonding. I've said enough.

* * *

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Nine: Baby Blues, Baby Reds**

Sasuke awoke with a pounding headache and found that he was blind. He started to panic and tried to move about but his legs and arms just didn't want to and his stomach felt like it was full of cotton candy. Though his body was calm and relaxed Sasuke was still panicked. He'd gone blind overnight!

In the room somewhere with him he heard voices. He tried to pick out the chakra signatures to determine the location of the voices. That was easy enough but they were only vaguely familiar and some of them were completely strange.

"That's good, but how's Uchiha doing?" asked a female.

"He's okay," replied a male who sounded a little bit like a little boy.

"'He's okay'?" said a male with a deeper voice. "He's not fine? He's not recovering well?"

"Oh, he's recovering physically but it's his brain that I'm worried about."

"Is it possible to treat him?" the female said.

There was a pause before the male with the child-like voice replied: "No, if he doesn't die his brain will work itself out. He's undergone too much stress or trauma. It might also be the difficultly of dealing with something that might be unreal or impossible, if Naruto has told him what I think he has."

"What about the demon? Is it contained for now?" the deep-voiced male enquired.

"I've got some medics working on it right now. It's a lot more difficult than I thought. Naruto's mind doesn't seem to want to co-operate. It's like he's succumbed to the demon's will. I don't understand why he would do that, he was chosen specifically to be the jinchuuriki because he was recognized as a baby with an abnormally powerful will. I'll check on him and switch shifts with one of the working medics in an hour and three minutes."

"And of the wounds the Uchiha has?"

"Extremely minor, considering what he was fighting of course. I expected that within five minutes the Kyuubi would have already broken his arms and legs but it seems its personality was on Uchiha's side."

"What do you mean?"

"It spent too much time playing around. It was probably caught off guard and the kaleidoscope must have startled it, which is the only reason why both bodies are safe and sound at the moment. It's also good that the Uchiha only fought briefly. Two kidney replacements aren't funny."

"Is the baby okay?" Sasuke was sure that was the voice of Gaara.

"Yeah, the baby is fine! At this stage the worst that could happen is still birth but I can confirm the baby will survive. Naruto is the one I'm worried about since his condition is so critical. He's obviously taken the worst blow here. Well, I'd better go and get ready to swap shifts, I'll leave Uchiha in your care, so don't hurt him or I'll maim you."

"Hang on…" Sasuke rasped. He lifted his arm but it was pushed back down to the bed by colder hands.

"Don't move very much, Uchiha. You've only just woken from a coma and you had a kidney transplant," Gaara said. Sasuke heard the door close and Gaara continued. "Naruto is okay, don't worry about him."

"But I can't see!"

Gaara reached around the back of his head and untied the bandages around Sasuke's head and eyes. Sasuke had to close his eyes when he was suddenly exposed to bright light. He opened his eyes and eventually adjusted to the whiteness of the room. Gaara was sitting next to him and at the end of his bed were a blonde woman a brunet man whose identities escaped him. Didn't take a genius like Sasuke to figure out where he was either. The heart monitor beside him was beeping healthily and he could see an IV out of the corner of his eye.

"What happened to Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

"We have no idea but the medics are trying their best to fix him."

"I know… I broke him. I wanted to make him hate me so that our feelings would change because I knew I couldn't kill him if we both felt the same way. I wanted him to hate me so that I could love him and then it would have been easier to kill him. I wanted to gain power that way. But Naruto… Naruto never changed his feelings for me. In his eyes and in his heart I'm still his best friend. And in my heart the feelings are mutual. Naruto was right… I can't do anything by myself – look what happened to me. I am weak… just like Itachi said."

"Don't think that way about yourself," the woman said. "You're one of the best ninja I've ever seen – if a little misguided. And I think Naruto will still want to have you back. He's not a shallow guy."

Sasuke sighed. He knew what he had to do… he needed to get away from here.

* * *

After a few days in hospital Sasuke was able to walk. He didn't need rehabilitation so he was discharged. Naruto was out of surgery but still in critical condition, as far as Sasuke knew and he thought it was only fitting that he bid Naruto a goodbye first. So that night while the moon was out he crept into Naruto's room. He almost cried at the state Naruto was in with needles and pads stuck to his head and chest and an IV hooked up to his arm. The heart monitor was beeping slowly. Sasuke approached the bed. From where he stood Naruto looked like he was peacefully asleep, his steady breath misting up the oxygen mask. Sasuke put a hand in Naruto's and squeezed gently.

"Naruto… I'm going to go now," He whispered. "Please wake up soon but don't try to come after me. You and I both know that you're better off without me." He placed a hand on Naruto's swollen stomach. "I know you'll take better care of them without me."

He turned to leave and was surprised when Naruto's hand squeezed back. He turned back to Naruto. "Don't leave," Naruto whispered. Sasuke had to strain his hearing to pick it up. "Don't leave."

Sasuke sat down on the edge of his bed and held his hand all night. He didn't know how many hours had been left in the night but he waited through them all until dawn came. Then he left without a trace except for an open window. Naruto didn't notice him go.

* * *

Tsunade growled and stomped up to the group of girls hanging around in the hospital hallway. "Sakura, what are you doing loitering in the halls with your friends? There are patients who need taking care of. We just had an injured ninja come in and you were nowhere in sight! Not only does that take time away from my duties as Hokage but it takes time out of your duty as a medic and adds time to your training – which means that it doesn't look like you'll be getting a lot of sleep tonight. What is so important that you need to stand around here to discuss it?"

"Sorry, Tsunade-shishou," Sakura apologized. "I just got caught up with my friends."

"We're discussing what would be good gifts to give to Naruto for his baby shower," Moegi replied even though the other girls looked slightly fearful of the Hokage.

Tsunade raised her eyebrows. "Baby shower? Naruto isn't having a baby."

"Yes he is," Tenten added. "He's pregnant! Didn't you know? He's being looked after in Suna."

Tsunade's eye twitched. Oh yes, she knew all to well about Naruto's escapade (aided by Jiraiya and Shizune – the former she made sure was in a lot of pain). "Yes, I knew that. But you weren't all supposed to know! Sakura…!"

Sakura cowered under Tsunade's glare. "I didn't tell anybody! Tenten figured it out somehow!"

"It wasn't me, it was Neji!" Tenten exclaimed. "He figured it out with his Byakugan!"

Tsunade sighed. "I told Shizune that your team was the wrong team to send. How many others know?"

"Just Neji and Lee," Tenten assured her. "Neji is making sure that Lee keeps it quiet though."

"Right, then you girls had better make sure you keep it between yourselves. If anybody else finds out I'm going to kill you all."

"Okay, but Godaime-sama," Ino said. "Do you think Naruto's baby would look better in blue or red?"

"I think it should be pink," Hinata said quietly. The others girls almost didn't hear it. Hinata blushed. "Pink goes good with both black and blond."

"But it's going to be a boy!" Ino snapped. "You can't give a boy pink! That's a girl colour."

"What are you giving Naruto's baby, Hinata?" Moegi asked.

Hinata's face became even more flushed. "O-oh… ah… it's a secret. I've already started knitting it so I hope I will be finished before the baby is born."

"You're knitting it yourself? That's so sweet and so cute at the same time!" Sakura exclaimed.

Tsunade jaw dropped. "What is this about again?"

"The baby shower," said Ino.

"Wait, no, no, no, you can't have a baby shower for Naruto!"

"Why not?" Moegi pouted.

"Naruto is giving his baby up for adoption, that's why. Giving Naruto stuff for his baby won't do him any good."

"Then it'll be a birthday party instead," Tenten declared. "We'll give the baby some presents when he's born."

"Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea," Sakura said. "And we can decorate the room like a real birthday party with balloons and streamers and make a cake and everything."

"Oh, yes!" Ino squealed. "But that means we have to invite people and not many other people can know, right?"

"Just invite some really close friends like Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei and Shikamaru and Chouji can come too. No, Hinata, your sister can't come! And who else is a close friend of Naruto?"

"Kiba and Shino should be invited," Tenten added. "And my team, even Gai-sensei."

"And Konohamaru and Udon," Moegi supplied.

"Girls, girls!" Tsunade shouted. "This has gone far enough! Don't complicate matters!"

"Then it's settled," Sakura decided. "Tsunade-shishou, when's the baby due?"

"That's not important! Right now, I have a job for you to do: check up on a couple of people at the tower who have been hanging around Konoha for months."

* * *

Sakura entered Tsunade's office and saw Shizune sitting at the Hokage's desk doing some paperwork for Tsunade. Two blondes – a boy and a girl – were standing in front of the desk. They were clearly ninja, judging by the way they were dressed but instead of the Iwa uniforms they were wearing Konoha ninja uniforms.

Shizune looked up. "Oh, Sakura, you're finally here. I'd like you to meet Hana and Haru from Iwagakure."

They bowed. Sakura bowed back. "It's nice to meet you," Sakura said. "So what business do they have?"

"They were originally sent by the Tsuchikage to assassinate a person from Akatsuki and they've recently asked permission to acquire help from Konoha."

Sakura nodded. She knew Konoha and Iwa weren't on very stable terms so if they were asking for help from Konoha that was a good thing. Not to mention that if they were trying to kill a person from Akatsuki they couldn't be that bad.

"You're Haruno Sakura, aren't you, duh?" asked Hana. Sakura nodded.

"We're pursuing a criminal, un," Haru said. Sakura cringed at the sentence suffix. It reminded her too much of someone she'd rather not think of. "He's in Akatsuki and goes by the name of Deidara, un."

Sakura's eyes widened and she gritted her teeth behind her lips. Deidara… "That bastard," she muttered without realizing she'd said it.

"You don't like him either, duh," Hana stated. "But we've been told you've fought him before, duh-uh?"

"No, I haven't fought Deidara before, but I have fought his former partner, Sasori. He was tough."

"As anyone should expect from an S-class missing nin, un," Haru replied. "But since you do have experience fighting a member from Akatsuki, we would like your help to kill Deidara, un."

"I will gladly help but before I do anything I want to know exactly who I'm working with."

"We're ninja from Iwagakure, as you know, un. We originate from the Akimiya Clan, un." Haru showed her his hands. He had mouths on the palms! She cringed and took a step back. He smirked. "Unexpected, un? Of course it is, but it's the Akimiya Bloodline Limit that is passed down to the males in the Akimiya Clan, un."

"Why only the males?" Sakura enquired.

"We're not sure exactly, but it's like the Uchiha's Sharingan, un. That makes our clan quite gender oriented: girls and boys live in separate houses even if they're siblings, girls are taught different techniques to boys; in short, the genders never mix unless it is in marriage, in missions or in death, un."

"That sounds so…" Sakura was about to say sexist but she quickly decided against it. "That sounds so… unusual."

"It's strange, duh," Hana added, "but as far back as anyone can remember, that's the way it has been, duh."

"Well, then this should actually be simpler than I imagined," Sakura said. "That's since you know about the bloodline and everything, so it'll be easy to-"

"It won't be easy, un," Haru interrupted. "Deidara isn't only from our clan; he also comes from our rival clan: En'uya, so he possesses their Bloodline Limit too, un."

"Do you what that is?"

"It's not immediately a danger to us but over a long period of time he can completely regenerate a part of his body, un. It consumes a lot of chakra so a person with that ability is not likely to use it when on a mission or during battle, un." Haru smirked. "Up to it, un?"

Sakura nodded.

* * *

Akai was glad to see Naruto finally open his eyes after days of unconsciousness. He even tried to urge Naruto to wake up faster. Despite being asleep for days on end, Naruto looked exhausted and had bags under his eyes. For the next few days Akai was completely committed to helping Naruto recover to the peak of his health again, not only for his sake but for the sake of his babies. He was constantly doting on Naruto to the blond's annoyance. Akai was the first person he saw in the morning and the last person he saw before he went to sleep. Akai was so happy to find that the pregnancy was going along swimmingly. That also annoyed Naruto. Now that his babies were heavier they pressed into his pelvis and gave him really bad lower back pains. Not to mention they squashed his bladder, which made him need to pee more than usual during the day and even during the night.

It was no surprise to Gaara that one day Akai suddenly couldn't find Naruto. "Gaara-sama, you haven't seen Naruto around anywhere, have you?"

Gaara sighed. "He was bored so I gave him a job."

"What job?"

"He's cleaning bathrooms."

There was a moment of silence. "You sent Naruto to clean bathrooms?"

Naruto didn't know what happened. He'd been wiping the floor in his own en suite when he suddenly found himself on the floor. He tried to get up but his legs wouldn't work for some reason. He tried to push himself up on his arms but he slipped. He looked at his hand and gasped. He looked at the floor and his breath hitched. There was a pool of blood coming from a cut in his belly where his guts were falling out. He crawled out of the bathroom and into his own room. He tried to call for Akai but his breath caught in his throat. In the middle of his room was a bundle of white cloth with a kunai sticking out of it. Naruto crawled over to it, fearing the worst. He reached the bundle of white and screamed. His baby was lying on the floor in front of him, dead. Naruto scooped the baby and pulled it closer to him. He cradled it close whilst lying on the floor and cried.

The door opened and shut. He only looked up when a pair of feet in black sandals stood in front of him. Sasuke stood above him with a toddler balanced on his hips. The child looked exactly like him. He looked down at Naruto with swirling orange and red Sharingan like flames and a smirk on his face. Everything about that expression said: "demon baby."

"What happened?" Naruto choked.

"Don't worry, that one was defective," Sasuke smirked. The toddler's smirk widened and it started to cackle as Naruto blacked out.

"Naruto! Naruto!"

Naruto's hands shot straight to his stomach and his eyes shot open. He couldn't feel any blood or a cut but he could feel the now familiar bump in his body. Akai knelt over him wiping his face with a damp cloth.

"Akai-senpai…" Naruto panted

"Don't worry; you just seem to have had a nightmare."

"How did I end up on the floor?"

"I don't know. Maybe when you inhaled the fumes of the cleaning agent you passed out. I wouldn't be cleaning as many bathrooms as I possibly could if I'd just come out of a coma."

"I was unconscious a month ago. I'm fine now."

"You are, huh? But look at this… you've got a cut…" Akai looked up at Naruto. "Have you been pregnant before?"

Naruto shook his head. "Sasuke did that… ages ago. But it should only be a scar."

"It must have opened up a little bit." Akai cleaned the shallow wound and placed gauze over it. "But still, it must be very close."

Naruto let his face break into a large grin. "You mean that in a couple of weeks I'll finally be rid of these things?"

Akai rolled his eyes at Naruto's reply. "Actually, more like a few days. It can't be any more than a week off from now."

Naruto's eyes widened.

* * *

And Naruto is having more creepy dreams about Sasuke... neat. The next chapter (at least I think its the next chapter) we get into the birthing process. Yay! Happy, happy, creepy, happy-tree-friendliness with blood and applecores!


	10. Chapter 10

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Ten: Apple Pie**

Naruto was now extremely anxious after hearing that his babies were due in a few days. He was so nervous he did in excessiveness what he'd learned to find comfort in doing during his stay: he cooked. In two days he'd gone through every recipe the cookbooks of Kazekage Tower had to offer… except for one…

… Apple pie!

The only problem was where he was going to find apples in Sunagakure. There wasn't enough water to grow them commercially in the desert and he was convinced that tinned apples wouldn't do. There were no apples in the kitchen at all so Naruto found that his best bet would probably be an apple tree.

Naruto was suddenly distracted by excited chatter. He might have gone to hide if he wasn't wearing his disguise kimono. He turned to the back door. Someone started to knock on it. Naruto opened the door and was immediately greeted by excited little kids with bright smiles and the occasional missing tooth. Naruto looked confused. "Hey, what are all of you kids doing here?"

"The nice mister told us that you had lots of cookies to give to us."

"Sorry, I couldn't help it." Akai flickered out of nowhere. It made Naruto jump. "I mean, seriously, Naruto, your cooking craze has got us buried in cookies for at least a year." Akai and Naruto turned to the kitchen. There were jars upon jars of cookies, cakes and homemade lollies stacked up on the floor and the table.

Naruto bent down to the first child he saw when he turned back to the kids. The little boy was unusually tall for the age he looked to be and although very young his face was quite square. He had bluish-blond, spiky hair and in one hand he held a popsicle that he hadn't even opened. Naruto only had to bent a little bit to get to his level. "Hey, kid," Naruto said, "you know that popsicle's gonna melt if you don't open it up and eat it soon. Do you need help?"

"I don't want a popsicle, I want a cookie," the child replied. He grinned and his teeth were very white. He had some unusual fangs in amongst the teeth too. Naruto thought it was just creepy.

"Here, take your pick," Akai said, holding out two open jars, each with a different variety of chocolate chip cookie. "They're completely free and you can have as many as you want."

The kids cheered and started to grab for the cookies in the jar. The tall boy took one fairly large cookie and stood by the doorway munching it. When four jars had been depleted and the kids had started to go home the tall boy was staying behind. He was starting on his twentieth cookie just as Naruto had measured and sorted the ingredients for the crust of his apple pie. Akai came to the door to advise the child to go home before it got too late but the boy cut him off before he even started.

"Mister, I was really curious," said the boy, "why doesn't that lady have any boobies?"

Naruto dropped an entire bag of flour into his bowl. It overflowed and the cloud made him sneeze. Akai was left speechless for a while. Naruto was at Akai's side in an instant with a scowl on his face. Akai held his arm over the door as a warning to Naruto.

"Well…" Akai hesitated to begin. He was expecting a simpler question like 'is that lady going to have a baby?' It didn't seem right for a child to ask him that question, especially when the child was looking up with a curious face but his eyes were mocking him. "It's not that she doesn't have any breasts. Some women just don't have very big breasts so they're not noticeable. Why do you want to know about her 'boobies' anyway?"

Akai gave the child a slight glare. The boy grinned back. It looked innocent but it gave Akai the chills. It was telling him something: _"You bloody liar! That woman hasn't got any fucking tits and you know it! That woman isn't even female."_ "I was just curious, that's all," the boy replied sweetly. "My mommy and my sister have bigger boobies than her." He pointed his wrapped popsicle at Naruto. Naruto growled at the kid.

"Oi!" shouted a female. They all looked up. A blonde girl wearing denim shorts and an orange midriff top was standing out on the road. She had a ninja pack and a kunai holder and under her shorts ninja mesh could just be seen. The boy finished off his cookie and walked straight over to her. "Are we ready to go home now? I hope you haven't been eating biscuits here all afternoon. You know mum will get cross."

Akai watched her lips. The words coming out matched the lips she was making until the end of her sentences where her lips moved slightly as if making some sort of hum or grunt but no sound came out.

"Is this your sister?" Akai asked. The little boy nodded.

"I hope he didn't cause too much trouble," the girl said. She took an apple out of her equipment pouch and started to shine it on her shirt.

"None at all," Akai lied.

"That's good then, bye." She took the boy by the hand and led him away while taking a bite out of her apple. Naruto's eyes widened at the sight. She had an apple!

"Akai, I'm going to go out for a bit…"

Naruto ran from the kitchen still covered in flour and tailed the siblings. His ninja skills were only a little bit rusty but they seemed to be civilians so it was easy to follow them. He stopped following them when they reach a tall, wooden fence and went in. It was too tall for Naruto to see over so he listened through the wood. His feet were tickled by something leafy. He looked down and saw green grass growing just outside the fence. It needed a trim but it was grass and it was green which meant there was water nearby, probably over the fence.

"There's a lot more water here than last time," said the girl. "There might be a pipe leaking."

"But lots of water is good, isn't it?"

"Only sometimes. If there's too much water the tree will die."

Naruto was filled with a sense of hope. He listened to more of the conversation and the sounds of the siblings squelching feet in the mud as they left and wandered in.

The space behind the fence was a small, square patch with an apple tree growing in the middle. It wasn't very tall but wasn't short enough that the lowest branch was reachable. Naruto trod in the mud in bare feet. He looked around the apple tree, examining the fruit. As usual, the best were always at the top and since he wasn't tall enough to reach it nor in the proper shape to climb he couldn't get to them. Some apples had fallen but they were either broken or old and rotten. Of the reachable apples on the bottom only a choice few looked like they were in good shape but when Naruto picked them he found bugs or holes eaten out of them. Naruto sighed and glared up at the apple tree. He wouldn't let this foe defeat him, not yet. Gathering chakra at his feet to climb the tree wouldn't work. He needed an alternative mode of leverage—maybe a ladder.

"Gotcha…"

Naruto gasped and turned. He was cornered by two silhouettes in Akatsuki coats and one had a huge sword.

"Now… which leg should I chop off first?"

* * *

Itachi was starting to develop a nervous twitch. He now realized why Deidara hated Tobi as a partner so much: Tobi could be extremely hyperactive. He watched and felt the twitch in his eye as Tobi scampered up the steep slope of the mountain to the peak they were standing under and looked around thoroughly.

"Hm… Tobi sees no Hachibi nest. Tobi sees no Hachibi either."

"That's because it's hiding from you," Itachi snapped back. His patience was beginning to wear thin. He should have fought more passionately for the privilege to be partnered with Kisame instead.

"Why is Hachibi hiding from Tobi?"

Itachi had already figured out the main problem. Tobi had the IQ of a two-year-old. "Because you've been a bad boy, Tobi!"

Tobi was taken aback by the confession. Behind the mask he might have been crying but Itachi didn't care; he was already walking back down the mountain path. Tobi scrambled down and followed Itachi. He grabbed onto his senior's coat and wailed. "Itachi-senpai! Tobi has been a good boy! Tobi has been a good boy! Tobi swears it!"

"Tobi can shut up," Itachi said.

"Tobi is a good boy, Tobi can prove it! Um… um… I can do my special technique! If you see my special technique then you'll know how good Tobi is."

"Tobi, I meant what I said."

Tobi immediately quietened. Itachi was glad for the quiet but he knew as that it wouldn't be very long-lived. Tobi was bound to open his mouth again by the time they reached the base of the mountain. In meantime, Itachi had to think. In the period of time that had past he was sure that Deidara and Kisame must have caught up to Naruto at least. And wherever his brother was now he couldn't be doing himself any good. He stroked a red cloud on his coat. His arrangements outside of Akatsuki needed dealing with or the leader would soon be onto something. However, before he got back to work on those plans he had to lose Tobi.

"Itachi-senpai, are you okay? You don't look very happy."

"Go away, Tobi."

Tobi whined. "But if you're sick-"

"I'm not sick. But we're getting nowhere. We'll split up for a little while and meet back here at sunset." Hopefully that was enough time to get away from Tobi.

"Are you sure? Don't you think it would be better if we were together in case we ran into Hachibi?"

"Why? Isn't your special technique good enough to fight it?"

"Of course it is! Tobi will see Itachi here at sunset!"

Tobi turned and disappeared into the jungle. Itachi took off in the opposite direction and headed straight for the boarder.

* * *

Naruto awoke tied to a chair in a very dark place. It took a while for his eyes to adjust to the light. It was a very old and dirty room that looked like it had been a nursery. There was a broken crib on the far wall next to a baby table. In the corner was a rocking chair with the legs broken off and an old baby blanket. On the adjacent wall was a dresser and cupboard with a bathing basin. Naruto looked down at the old mat beneath him with musty or broken baby toys lying around. For some reason this seemed familiar to him, he felt like he'd been here before.

With a poof Deidara and Kisame appeared before him. Kisame grinned. "You're lucky, brat. I would have liked to cut off one of those legs, it would have made handling you easier, but this will do nicely. And besides, you need those legs to find what we need."

"Why would I help you creeps find what you need?" Naruto spat back.

"You don't have a choice, un," Deidara replied. "We need to find a special scroll and you're the only person who knows were it is, un."

"I don't know anything about a special scroll," Naruto said.

"Says you, un." Deidara kicked his chair over. "Now don't tell me that this place doesn't trigger your memories, yeah. Somewhere in your head you know what we want: Maboroshi Scroll."

"I have no idea where I am! What this supposed to accomplish?"

"We'll leave you here to think about it," Kisame said. Deidara grinned and they disappeared.

Naruto looked up and saw a bed behind him. The mattress was flat, springs were sprung and the sheets were covered in blood. Naruto felt something strange, like he was time travelling. His mind wasn't in the moment any more. It was silent but he heard crying and screaming. It was still but the ground was shaking. The air was musty and stale but it smelt clean. It was dark but it suddenly transformed to bright light. It was warm but he felt so cold. And he could see the face of someone he only recognized in stone on the Hokage monument. He was blue-eyed and blond and he was smiling but he seemed so sad. He held Naruto close and Naruto clung to his clothes and his warmth.

There was a woman lying on the bed. He stroked her hair and face fondly as tears leaked out of his eyes. As the ground shook once more he turned and left her behind. Naruto cried even harder. Now he was hungry. The man didn't feed him, though, he took him to a cave hidden in the cliff and kissed him on the forehead. He laid him in a soft but cold crib and lit candles around him. Then he bit his finger to draw blood and drew a seal on Naruto's stomach. He lifted his baby again and got him to look at something that looked like a shrine. On the mantle was a scroll that trailed onto the cushion in front of it. Naruto stared in wonder at the intricate drawings and symbols on the scroll.

"See that, Naruto? That's my special scroll. It's the only present I can give to you right now. Hopefully, it's as special to you as it was to me." He cuddled the newborn and sobbed. "I love you. You're my hero, Naruto. Tonight you are going save everybody."

The scroll started to unroll by itself onto the cushion and new symbols and drawings appeared. It stopped and let the man read the new story written on the paper. He nodded at the honesty and laid his baby back in the crib. With his still bleeding finger he lifted his shirt and drew an identical symbol on his stomach. "I'm dying tonight, but you'll live on. I'm sorry for that."

He left quickly as another earthquake shook the ground and Naruto began to cry. For the rest of the night he didn't feel anything but loneliness. He gladly reached for the embrace of an old man when he arrived with ANBU to collect him. To all their eyes the scroll didn't seem to be there, it was just a shrine to a family god. They left everything as it was and took Naruto with them, not noticing the genjutsu start to fade away.

Naruto tried to roll over on the chair and pushed it up, but he ended up on his side. He became content with just staring at the dust motes fluttering through the air in the light shaft. His eyes widened as he suddenly realized that he could _see_ them in the _light_. It must have been coming from somewhere. He looked up and above the bed was an open window. He screamed for help even though for all he knew he was yelling in vain. He gasped suddenly. Something in his groin had broken and spilled. He groaned when his body tightened uncomfortably. _"Not now, please, not now!"_ he mentally prayed and yelled for help.

* * *

Tsubaki watered the shoots and trimmings in her new flower patch. She sighed and looked over to the old one just coming into bloom and remembered how Mizuki used to love her flowers. It was her gardening ability she was most proud of, even more than her chuunin ninja rank. Mizuki used to appreciate that too. No matter what that was all she thought about even though her parents and relatives told her to move on; it would be a long time before she would be able to see him again and he'd changed so much… there was even the likely possibility that he didn't even love her anymore.

While she admired the arrangement of her new garden she heard a distant cry. She stood up and looked around for it. It came from somewhere deep in the forest. Tsubaki ran into the forest in search of the desperate calling. As she got closer she realized that it was a human and in the distance she could see a white-walled house.

She stopped at the clearing the house was built in. It wasn't much of a clearing anymore with overgrown grass, trees growing out of the windows and wild flowers sprouting on the edges of the walls. The house itself was a ghost house. The plaster on the walls was cracked and there were holes that creepers were growing through. The glass in the windows was dirty where it wasn't smashed and on one side of the house the roof had caved in.

"Hello?" Tsubaki called. "Is someone here? Do you need help?"

Naruto heard her and was relieved that there was actually a reply. "Of course I need help! I wasn't calling for nothing!"

Tsubaki walked slowly around the house to where she heard the yelling. There was an open window at the bottom of the wall around the back of the house. Naruto saw the feet approach. She bent down and looked in. It was a wrecked nursery but at first she didn't see anybody.

Naruto recognized the face in the window. "Tsubaki, down here!"

She looked down to where a pregnant blonde tied to a chair was lying on the floor. "Who are you? How do you know me?"

"I'm Naruto! Iruka-sensei's friend, remember?"

"Naruto? Is that you?" Tsubaki blinked and did a double take on the person on the floor. "No… it can't be."

"It is me, okay. Who cares that I look like I'm pregnant; I need you to find something important before someone else does. There's a cave behind Yondaime's head on the Hokage monument but I'll bet it's sealed up. No matter about that, just go in there and there should be a something like a shrine and a scroll. You have to take the scroll."

"Okay, but are you sure you're alright down there? Do you want me to get help on the way?"

"No, get the scroll first and then get help. It has to be from the Hokage, though. Don't tell anybody else!"

Naruto shuddered and screamed as a contraction tore at his body.

"Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want help to come sooner?"

"Yes, I'm sure! Now go and if you see a shark guy or a blond guy wearing black coats with red clouds on them, don't stop, just run away."

Tsubaki nodded and left quickly. Naruto tried not to scream as another contraction hit. The weight of one of the babies was pushing down even further into his pelvis. His chair was picked up from behind.

"So, we're ready to talk now, un?" Deidara sniggered.

"I'll go after the woman," Kisame offered. "You come behind me as fast as you can with that thing." He flickered away, leaving Naruto with Deidara.

* * *

Sakura jumped through trees with Haru and Hana in the direction of their country. Suddenly the trees disappeared and they were standing in a barren, dusty clearing. "Gosh, what happened to this place?"

"We got in a fight with Deidara, un," Haru replied. "This mess is all my fault, but I had to save Hana, un."

Sakura nodded. "So what are we doing here? Those Akatsuki members would have obviously moved."

"This'll be the place to start, duh," Hana replied. "They left from here so if we start from here we might be able to track them down, duh-uh."

Sakura sighed. "If you wanted to track why didn't you tell the Hokage? We have tracking specialists in Konoha who are the best anywhere."

Hana looked out onto the plain and blinked. Either her eyes were deceiving her or there were two dark figures in the distance. One came from the north and the other from the south walking towards each other so slowly it seemed surreal. "Hey, look there, duh." She pointed out the two to Sakura and Haru. Sakura suddenly felt her heart skip a beat.

"_Could it be…?"_ she thought. _"Sasuke…"_


	11. Chapter 11

I don't know what people are gonna think of this. It may disappoint.

* * *

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Eleven: Vicious Tension**

Sasuke and Itachi stopped about five metres away from each other. A staring contest ensued between the two of them before Itachi finally broke the silence. "Sasuke… it's been a while since I've seen your face. I wonder if you're any stronger compared to when I last saw you."

Sasuke's temper flared and the Sharingan was activated. "I'll bet you want to know. I put myself through three years of hell just to become like you so that I could kill you."

"You did, huh? What a waste of effort. You're still nothing like me, little brother."

"To me that's better than being exactly like you. Just as long as I can beat you I don't care who I am!"

"That's reckless, Sasuke!" Itachi snapped. "You've just set yourself of a path of meaningless self-destruction. I heavily overestimated you. You are a moron and a murderer, what an unfortunate circumstance. This isn't the way you were supposed to beat me."

"No? Good. I don't want to be like you Itachi because you are the person who made me like this! Imagine what would have happened to everyone I care about if I became like you, especially Naruto."

"Your friends are too loyal to leave you."

Sasuke threw two shuriken at him. "That's a lie! You know it is!"

Itachi pulled out a kunai and caught both shuriken on the point. "The real statement should be…" Itachi said from directly behind Sasuke, leaving the shadow clone where it stood, "You know that that's the truth."

He stabbed Sasuke in the back. The clone melted away into brown goo. Itachi jumped out of the way as three snakes shot out of the ground. Sasuke came after them. They snapped at Itachi. His shadow clone passed him the kunai and disappeared. Itachi cut the snakes' heads off. The bodies returned to Sasuke's arm. Itachi watched Sasuke pull himself out of the ground. He ducked just as Sasuke's chakra sword grazed his shoulder. Sasuke smirked.

"Maybe Orochimaru did do you some good," Itachi grudgingly admit. He started to undo his coat. "But… you're still not ready to defeat me. I'm going to have to prove it to you again now. How much time and energy do you want to waste while your friend is in danger?"

"I don't have friends and if I did they would be able to look after themselves." Sasuke madly stabbed at Itachi's body. He missed but put several holes in the coat. Itachi jumped and landed on Sasuke's chakra sword, channelling chakra through his feet into the sword. The collision of chakra broke the sword and it dispelled.

"And what if they couldn't? What would you do, Sasuke?" Itachi asked as he twirled Sasuke's katana in his hand. Sasuke gasped and his hand automatically went to grasp his katana. It really wasn't there. "What if they were all alone and helpless and you were the only person who could save their life?"

"I would deem them unfit to be my friend and let them die," Sasuke growled, "because my friend wouldn't find himself in a helpless predicament, even if he was alone." Sasuke ducked and sidestepped away from Itachi's swipe with the sword. Itachi's foot swung under Sasuke's heel and tripped him. The katana came back to cut Sasuke in half. Sasuke arched his back and reached for the ground. His feet followed him to the flip. His katana nicked his calf and his heels, peeling off the top layer of skin. It stung and bled profusely.

Before he could get up, Itachi stood on his hands to stop him from going anywhere. Sasuke flipped his feet up to kick his brother in the face. Itachi wedged the katana so far into the sole of Sasuke's shoe that it cut the sole of his foot. He grabbed the other foot. He twisted until he heard the joint start to crack. Sasuke hissed in pain. Itachi tutted and shook his head. "Foolish little brother…"

Itachi got off Sasuke's hands and swung him by the twisted foot. Sasuke's head hit the ground. He tried to get up but his head was swimming and his vision was blurry. Itachi kicked him over and stamped on his chest. He picked his little brother up by the neck and punched him the face. He bashed Sasuke mercilessly and didn't stop soon. Eventually, though, he threw the younger sibling to the ground and prepared to slice him with the katana. Sasuke stared at the blade glinting in the sunlight in awe.

"_This must be what it feels like to know you're going to die and simply not care… the way Naruto did."_

He closed his eyes and waited for the slash. He felt it coming but he didn't feel it hit. He heard a skid as someone slid over the ground and a hiss of pain. He opened his eyes and saw a slightly-less-than-familiar outfit and pink hair. He never thought he'd ever be happier to see Sakura in his life. She took a defensive stance over him; the katana was stuck in the back of her hand.

"Sasuke…" she whispered to him, "go now. Don't worry; I've got it under control here."

"Better do what she says, little brother," Itachi added. "Or Naruto won't live to see his baby born."

Sakura whipped out a kunai and slashed at Itachi's wrist. He moved just in time to avoid a dangerous wound. She nodded to Sasuke, who got up and ran towards Konoha.

Sakura turned back to Itachi. Hana slid in under her and kicked him in the chest. He flipped and landed on his feet but was caught in Haru's arms. He turned to the blond behind him. The Akimiya smirked and put his palms together. "My Bloodline Limit allows me to infuse any material with my chakra and fire it at an opponent, un. You're at point blank range, un."

Itachi smirked back. Haru frowned, figuring that something was up. He let go and pushed away from him. Itachi's body exploded. Haru dropped to the ground as fast as he could and put his arms over his head. When it was safe he lifted his head again and looked around.

"Damn it! Where did he go, un!"

"Up, duh!" Hana yelled.

Haru looked up and had to shield his eyes at the silhouette in the sun. Hana saved him with another powerful kick. Itachi landed a few metres away and skidded on the ground. He spared a glance to his left arm where the kick had hit. The muscles had been torn by that blow and the chakra flow to the rest of his arm was blocked. Haru did ten hand seals and held his palms out in front of him.

"_Katon: Kiniroi Houka no jutsu_!"

A barrage of golden bullets flew out of the mouths on his hands. Itachi didn't think. He did the seals for his family technique. "_Katon: Gokakyu no jutsu_." The great fireball from the technique swallowed the bullets.

Itachi chuckled. "You remind be of Deidara more and more, Akimiya-kun. What kind of technique is that?"

"I make exploding fireworks by taking gunpowder and infusing it with my chakra, un. It's very pretty when you're not on the receiving end, un."

While Haru talked, Hana prepared for a ninjutsu technique. "_Doton: Retsudotensho_!"

The ground beneath Itachi crumbled. He jumped before the ground could swallow him. Haru grinned, now that he had his enemy right where he wanted him. He gathered lots of gunpowder in his mouth and did three hand seals: dragon, horse, dragon. "_Katon: Hanabi Ryou_." He placed the heels of his hands together and pointed them up to the sky. Fire rose from them in a giant red and purple column that formed a dragon. It soared towards Itachi and blew massive flames at him. Itachi was completely engulfed in flames but a burning log is what fell to the ground.

"_Damn it,"_ Sakura thought. _"Those two are such a perfect team that they didn't even need to bring me along… but Tsunade-shishou needed me."_

"Haruno-san," Itachi said, appearing behind Sakura with a poof. "Would you mind?"

Sakura nodded. Haru and Hana turned to her, seeing Itachi and growled. "Guys, that's enough," Sakura declared. "Don't fight with Itachi-san anymore."

"What? But he's your enemy, duh!" Hana exclaimed.

"Look, there's an explanation for this… but we need to hurry up or Deidara is going to get ahead of us. He's the one you want, right?"

Hana and Haru exchanged confused glances but agreed anyway.

* * *

Tsubaki found the cave Naruto had told her about almost buried under a pile of rocks. She pushed out an opening big enough for herself and a large scroll to fit through and entered – The scroll was right where Naruto said it would be, untouched by time. She grabbed it and got out as fast as she could. Once outside with the scroll she was met by what she could only describe as a shark man wearing a black coat with red clouds on it. On his back was a huge sword wrapped in cloth strips.

"Woman, I would advise you to give me the scroll willingly. Then maybe I'll let you live." He grinned evilly.

Tsubaki took Naruto's advice and turned tail. She ran along the rock face but he was faster than her. He blocked her path and raised his sword to cut her down. Tsubaki whipped out a flower from her pocket and waved it in his face, spraying the poisonous pollen into his eyes. He cried out in pain and gave her an opening to run up the rock face and out onto the top of Yondaime's stone head. The village was a long way down from up there. Kisame flickered behind her. She heard him groaning and turned to face him. His face was drying out and his eyes were red. He couldn't be anything less than pissed off. Tsubaki knew she was cornered again unless she took another drastic action.

She jumped off Yondaime's head.

Kisame cursed. "That woman is committing suicide…?"

Tsubaki felt the rush of the wind as descended and the ground quickly came to meet her. Even if she was a ninja there was no way she would be able to survive this jump safely. She was suddenly scooped out of the air and onto the back of a giant clay bird. Deidara turned to her. Naruto lay behind them wrapped in the bird's tail. "Heh, lucky you didn't fall, un. Then the scroll would have been damaged, yeah."

"Tsubaki, the tower!"

Tsubaki looked over the bird's wings at the roof of the Hokage Tower and jumped off without a second thought.

"Aw, shit, un."

Tsubaki touched the roof lightly and dashed inside to the Hokage's office. The guards at the door regarded her with bemusement when she burst in but they figured she had very important business if she was carrying a scroll like that. Tsunade looked up from her paperwork and Shizune kept a careful eye over. Tsubaki placed the scroll on the Hokage's desk. Tsunade eyed the scroll warily, wondering what it might mean.

"Tsubaki-san, is there something the matter?"

"Hokage-sama," she panted. "Naruto sent me with this scroll… these two men in black coats with red clouds are trying to get this scroll and they kidnapped him."

Tsunade rose from her chair and glanced at Shizune. Shizune nodded and picked up the scroll. The Hokage marched out of her office looking strict, an expression she didn't usually wear. She barked orders at the chuunin in the offices and the guards at the door and quickly assembled an ANBU team to accompany her.

* * *

Deidara sighed and pulled Naruto's hair. "This is all your fault, yeah. This mission would have been smooth sailing but the number one hyperactive idiot ninja of Konoha just had to ruin it, un." Naruto made a throaty noise as he tried to hold back a scream of pain. "Hey, what's going on, un? In pain? That'll teach you to screw with us, un."

"I'm not… hurting…" Naruto gasped. He clenched his teeth as this contraction continued.

At lightning speed another ninja appeared on the scene and sliced off one of the bird's wings. Deidara grabbed Naruto and jumped off just in the nick of time. Naruto glanced over to his saviour. He was bruised and bleeding but he seemed to be still going strong and when he looked up his Sharingan flashed.

Uchiha Sasuke was here and he was pissed off.

* * *

Akai had searched everywhere for Naruto as soon as he realized that the blond hadn't come back. He followed the tracks in the sandy soil and came across a fenced square of land. In the middle of the almost swampy grassed area was an apple tree. Akai walked up to it, his feet sinking in the mud. The first tracks he noticed were Naruto's bare feet walking up to and around the tree and two small pairs of footprints in front of the tree that didn't seem to come from or go anywhere. Then there were another set of footprints that were much larger than Naruto's and the other pairs. They too didn't seem to originate from anyplace.

Akai was confused by the puzzle of the footprints but he did find that Naruto's footprints didn't walk back out. He flickered back to Gaara's office.

* * *

Sasuke's chakra sword disappeared.

Deidara simply laughed. "Look who decided to play, un!"

"I'm not here to play."

Another Sasuke just appeared out of nowhere and lunged for Deidara. He pushed Deidara and pulled Naruto out of his grasp. Deidara landed on the roof of the next house. He grinned and lowered his head and started to make hand seals. Sasuke didn't know what was happening at first, Deidara was mumbling, but he heard the first word; "_Doton…_"

The roof beneath Sasuke's feet started to rise and swallow him but he kept his grip on Naruto. It swelled to his chest before the other Sasuke charged forward and kicked Deidara in the head. Deidara plummeted to the ground but landed squarely on his feet. He looked up and saw Sasuke with his chakra sword ready to slice. The Akatsuki member dodged just in time and the chakra sword was wedged in the ground. At the sensation of another presence, Sasuke turned around and rolled out of the way just as Samehada shaved the air he had once occupied. Sasuke glared at Kisame.

"Hm, you look like you ran into Itachi," Kisame joked.

Sasuke jumped out of the way as Samehada was swung at him again. He gasped as his leg was almost shaved off when Kisame swung the sword back at him. There were now huge slashes up his entire leg. Kisame was more able with his weapon than Sasuke initially thought. His leg was numbing with the chakra now gone and Samehada was moving underneath the bandages. It sounded like it was munching—Sasuke knew it was eating his chakra. It would be a while before the proper distribution of his chakra to his leg would return. Kisame was laughing at him. Sasuke's blood began to boil over. His Sharingan began to change. At first it was painful but the pain wore off in mere seconds. He looked up at Kisame with spinning wheels of Mangekyo Sharingan. Kisame jumped out of the way and Deidara did the same.

"I'm going to kill you now!" Sasuke growled.

"I don't think so, not yet," Kisame said. "You don't know how to use that power like Itachi does."

Deidara pulled his hands out of his pouches and spat thin birds with two pairs of wings at him. Sasuke moved out of their way easily but they turned around and flew back to him.

"_Futon: Daitoppa_!" Sasuke's wind technique forced the explosive birds to blow up immediately. He looked up and just as he'd thought, there was another bomb coming for him: the bird he'd shot down earlier.

"I equip every clay creation with some explosive power, un," Deidara explained. "It's infused with some of my Earth chakra, un, so it'll detonate when it hits its target only. I like to call it my B-1 chakra, yeah. It's not as potent as the Fire element chakra explosives but it's still artistically destructive, un."

"How many chakra elements do you have?" Sasuke exclaimed.

"Just two… and they compliment each other very nicely, un."

Sasuke stabbed it with a sword of chakra and jumped. The bird started to flame at the wings tail and face. The clay disintegrated with the fire. Sasuke did an aerial sweep and flung the bird into the sky. It burnt itself off and exploded in midair. He landed back on the ground on his good foot but stumbled. He fell to his knees, panting. He tried but he was unable to get up right away. His body was losing energy and chakra very quickly. _"Damn, how could Itachi make short work of me and then expect me to come and save Naruto? As much as I still want to fight, I haven't got the stamina. My body's too weak."_

"Oh, is that it?" Kisame said, unimpressed. He approached Sasuke. Sasuke could feel the shadow over him but he couldn't get up. "I thought the brother of my favourite partner would be more of a challenge than that. But I guess there's no point in letting this go on if you're just going to disappoint me even further." Kisame raised his sword. "Get ready to die, Uchiha Sasuke."

Sasuke's head snapped up. "_Tsukiyomi_!"

Kisame gasped. All of a sudden he found himself in an inverted world where he was tied to a post, burning. The people of Konoha stood around him laughing and jeering and behind him Deidara was also laughing but his body was skewered with sharp things from every angle. With every laugh or exhale blood was coughed up but he still looked like he was enjoying watching Kisame burn. He turned to face the front and saw Sasuke with a maniacal expression and a glint in his eye. He held a sword with many curves and a very pointed tip. "Welcome to a world controlled by my imagination," Sasuke hissed. "Seventy-two hours of your living hell begin now!"

Sasuke stabbed Kisame in the stomach and twisted his sword.

In the real world, Deidara saw Kisame fall to his knees in pain after merely one second. He jumped into action and focused his chakra. Sasuke wasn't prepared for the large spider to come out of the ground so suddenly. He used the replacement technique to swap himself with his shadow clone before the spider exploded. When the bomb did detonate it didn't make an extremely large explosion but several homes around it were flattened. Sasuke put his head against Naruto's and sighed with relief… but now he was stuck. Deidara appeared on the roof and walked up to him, pulling a kunai out of his equipment pouch.

"It's just a little bit of a pity that you couldn't hold out for much longer… only a little bit, un."

Deidara's kunai was blocked by another and thrown from his hand. Sasuke stared wide-eyed at the red-haired stranger standing before him. He took off his white lab coat and tossed it aside. "So… you're from the infamous Akatsuki that I've heard so much about. I'm afraid I can't really say I'm very pleased to meet you."

"You look like Sasori no danna, un. Any relation?"

"Unfortunately, yes," the redhead replied. "But I'm Akai and I have nothing in common with that guy." He poised his kunai to fight. "As long as I'm working under Kazekage-sama no friend of his will be in harm's way."

"How cute, un."

Deidara launched a kick at Akai. Akai blocked it with his kunai. Deidara lifted off Akai's weapon and threw his kunai and another. Akai dodged both kunai and put his arms up to shield himself from the kunai in the shadow. He moved his arms out of his line of vision and noticed the clay bird coming towards him. Akai pulled the kunai out of his arm and threw it at the bird. It got stuck in the head and the bird exploded. Through the smoke another two birds suddenly appeared. They ran into Akai and detonated. Sasuke gasped and shut his eyes. The hot flames and debris hit him and burnt his skin. He was almost sick to his stomach at the thought that those bits and pieces were of a person. But when he opened his eyes he saw that a wooden chair had been swapped for Akai's body. Akai stood two roofs away. He threw two perfectly aimed senbon at Deidara. Deidara easily caught them as he landed a roof away. But he wasn't prepared for the second Akai behind him. He turned just as Akai spat a needle at him. It missed the targeted area and hit Deidara in the back of the left hand. The mouth on that hand began to gag and cough. The blood vessels started to turn purple, giving Deidara's skin a purple tinge.

"What'd you do, un?"

"That's one of my best poisons. It latches onto your red blood cells as quickly as it possibly can and travels back to your heart. It'll only take a few more seconds before all of the poison on the end of that needle had entered your blood stream and then it won't be long until you die."

"Damn it… just as I was getting used to having this arm back, un…"

A clay worm from Deidara's right hand mouth wrapped around his shoulder and blew his arm off. The arm wasn't the only thing that hit the roof. Kisame's sword slammed into the tiles. He was considerably weakened by Sasuke's attack but he was still able to get up. "Where's that Uchiha bastard? I'll kill him."

Before he was even able to spot Sasuke, Hana appeared out of the blue and kicked him firmly in the back. Haru jumped in with her and they both faced Deidara. Sasuke thought his brain was about to go into a state of shock or mental overload until he heard a whizzing sound beneath him. There were tiny fireworks at the base of the prison of fused roof tiles. They exploded harmlessly and weakened the binding enough for Sasuke to free himself and Naruto. Akai noticed him suddenly moving and jumped to their side.

"I'll leave the Akatsuki to you, Iwa ninja," he declared, putting an arm around Naruto and Sasuke. "Do whatever you want with them." He turned and left towards Konoha Hospital.

"No you don't, un!"

Deidara was about to go after them but had to dodge a flaming tiger made of fireworks. It skidded to a halt and turned back. On Haru's command the tiger jumped at Deidara and exploded with beautiful lights and colours that looked superb in the setting sun. Deidara growled but he noticed Kisame getting up and stumbling towards the ninja.

"_This is getting really annoying, un!"_

"This is going to end it, un!" Haru declared. From the mouths on his palms several little blue dragonflies shot out with long, glowing tails and targeted Deidara like homing rockets. Deidara seemed to be dancing as he dodged the dragonflies, even sending out the occasional bird to keep them away but it wasn't as effective as Deidara would have liked. Even if they were small those burning dragonflies were scalding. However, Haru was only able to focus on Deidara and controlling his dragonflies, so he didn't see Kisame approach from behind him and get ready to murder him. It was a mystery that Hana stood back when her partner was in danger but what was even more mysterious was the sudden disturbance in the air that made Deidara and Kisame freeze. It was still and cold. No bird called, the wind didn't blow and all fighters froze on the spot.

Finally Deidara and Kisame took off, not even bothering to finish off their fight.

* * *

Given that Itachi does die in the series, I think this old story is going to end up being rather cliche and boring. Also, I fear that the ending of this chapter was a bit too anitclimatic but I promise it gets expanded on in the next chapter. Even though I find myself slowly drifting away from Naruto fandom to explore new avenues in anime, this story had been completed so don't worry about not seeing the end of it. Just don't expect to see a sequel.


	12. Chapter 12

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Twelve: Newborn Baby**

When Tsunade imagined the birth of Naruto's baby it wasn't like this. For a start, Naruto was actually conscious. She'd had a dream about it once. Everyone was there. There was a cake and a big banner with words she couldn't recall and everyone was wearing party hats, like the big birthday party the girls had talked about. Sasuke was there stressing and pacing next to Naruto's bed, Sai was drawing pictures of anything that he saw, Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon were being pests and annoying Naruto, Sakura was holding Naruto's hand reminding him to push and breathe and Naruto was loudly complaining about having to push something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a strawberry. Ah, yes, it was a happy and fun-filled day with a purple walrus in the corner of the room. Although Tsunade had no idea what the oddly coloured marine mammal had to do with anything.

There were far less people here than Tsunade had dreamed but they were all willing to be as much help as they possibly could be. Tsubaki went straight into midwifery mode and set up the maternity bed and the operating table while Shizune untied the blond and lay him down. Tsunade gave Naruto a sad glance and then turned to the scar on his stomach. That she'd have to be careful with.

"Tsunade, please don't space out now!" Shizune exclaimed. "We need to start the operation immediately."

Tsunade nodded and picked up the scalpel, ready to make the cut.

* * *

Sasuke scowled at the picture on the wall. It had two circles with something that looked like a bird beak in the middle but Sasuke knew that it wasn't. He turned his eyes to the magazine on the ground and opened it with his foot. He stared at the crude images of naked women and wondered how and why people enjoyed that sort of thing. He flipped through a few pages with his foot; his eyes narrowed and his brows furrowed with each page; until he eventually kicked the offensive magazine away and finished up his street patrol. He flickered back to the roof of the hospital where he met Sai – one of the ANBU that had arrived on the scene. He took in Sasuke's bandaged form and splinted leg and snickered. Sasuke scowled at him.

Sakura soon returned to the roof as well and glared at the two of them, warning them to knock it off. "The south side of Konoha is also secure. Do you think the Akatsuki really just left like that?"

"Maybe," Sai replied, "or they could be waiting for the perfect moment to strike back, who knows… but for now Konohagakure is safe. Shall we go inside?"

Sakura nodded and followed Sai into building. Sasuke stayed out and waited for Kakashi to finally show himself. "What do you want now, Kakashi?"

"I see the prodigal ninja has returned. Learn anything new while you were away?"

With a poof Kakashi appeared back-to-back with Sasuke, reading the second volume of Icha-Icha Tactics. Sasuke sighed. "What do you want me to do? Apologise? Admit that you're right and I'm wrong? Do you want me to kill myself?"

"I don't want you to do anything of that sort, but I would like…" Kakashi turned around and put his book away, "a big hug from my second best student!"

Sasuke scoffed. "Second best?"

"I think even you've realised by now that Naruto outshines you."

"I have," Sasuke admitted. "In the end I guess it didn't work. Itachi is still alive, Naruto still loves me and I'm back here again. No matter where I go there's always this part of me that keeps saying: 'Konoha, Konoha, Konoha'. It gets annoying usually."

"Then I'm glad I don't know how that feels. But what are you going to do now, Sasuke? You'll probably be arrested for crimes against the village. You already know that you're in the bingo book. They'll probably never let you out of prison."

"Then maybe I deserve it," Sasuke said with a shrug. "I don't deserve to have people like you and Sakura and Naruto looking out for me and you guys don't deserve a friend as terrible as me."

"That's the funny thing about life: you hardly ever get what you deserve. It also should be true that you don't always get what you want and both Naruto and Sakura still want you as a friend, even after everything that's happened between the three of you." Kakashi's book came out again. "Do you want to go down and meet your baby?"

Sasuke didn't reply but went inside. Kakashi inwardly smiled at the change in Sasuke's disposition.

* * *

Naruto thought he'd woken up from his unconscious state and found himself in hospital yet again. Tsunade and Akai were working on him, possibly trying to get the babies out. He let out an exasperated sigh. He was starting to get a little tired of all of this. Was it even going to be worth it in the end? He heard a giggle and turned to it. Another Naruto was leaning against the wall right in front of him. He had red eyes and claws instead of nails. Naruto groaned.

"No… why don't you go away."

The other Naruto laughed. "Why? Don't you want me anymore? Unfortunately you're stuck with me for life and from now on I'm going to make every second of it a living hell!"

"What have you got against me?"

The other Naruto growled. "What? I have a grudge against you. You keep me in this little cage in your tiny mind all sealed up like a common animal. I was free for the first time in fifteen years! Then you and your bastard of a friend took that away from me."

"I don't care about you," Naruto muttered, "Kyuubi… you've lived for thousands of years, how do fifteen years of imprisonment measure up to that? If you ask me you're getting what you deserve."

"You don't have the right to talk to me like that!"

"Yes I do. You're under my control, not the other way around. You're the thing living in my 'tiny mind' and I'm your keeper. So behave, stupid fox, get back in your cage."

The Kyuubi scowled and approached Naruto. He crawled onto the bed, phasing through Tsunade and Akai and tried to grab Naruto's neck but his fingers also went through. "Don't you dare tell me that! You shouldn't have the guts to say that to my face you little worm! You don't even know exactly how powerful I am! You can't possibly contain me forever. I will get out and the first thing I do will be to rip you to pieces. Now undo the seal and let me out or else!"

Naruto laughed.

"Or else what? You're trapped! Stupid fox, do you think I'm gullible? Do you think I'm really going to do what you say? If I can't contain you, why are you still contained in that cage? Because I can. If you're so powerful, why don't you just walk out and go torture someone? Because you can't. See, I learnt something despite what you might think of me. Where does the real power lie? An idiot can be a Daimyo because of his birthright, a bully can become a leader because they look strong, even a scrawny, pathetic avenger with not as much brainpower as he thinks he has can become powerful enough to never need any friends. There isn't really a line between power and weakness – there are poles. You're not powerful anymore, in fact, you're at my mercy. Now get back to your cage… or else."

"You bastard!" shrieked Kyuubi as he started to melt away. "You have no idea what you're doing! You need me!"

"I don't need you as much as you like to think I do."

The intangible body was gone but Naruto still heard the voice as he started to black out again: "You'll see! You'll see that it's a mistake! You'll regret the day you were born, I swear, you'll regret being the Yondaime's son!!"

"_I think I already do."

* * *

_

Sasuke sat in the waiting room with Sai and Sakura sitting at the other end. He looked at his reflection in the coffee Sakura had gotten for him and tried to think about what had transpired in the past few months. He was even a little afraid to think about it. He'd undergone such a huge change in a few short months. He still thought he didn't belong where he was or deserve what he was getting and for the first time in his life he was seriously questioning his motives. Did he really need to kill Itachi? Would life go on without that task completed? Was being the Uchiha avenger really worth all the pain and gruelling training that pulled him into the emotional wreck he was? A tear dropped into his coffee but he ignored it. He had more important things to think about.

A kind hand wiped away a tear. Sasuke looked up in surprise and saw Hinata smiling back at him with an armful of baby formula and bottles. Kakashi placed the rest of the baby things on the floor in the washing basin. Hinata offered her handkerchief to Sasuke. He accepted it.

"Hinata-san…"

Hinata almost dropped the things she was carrying. "Y-yes, U-Uchiha-kun?"

"You have that amazing ability, right? Do you know what's going to happen after this?"

"Even with Byakugan I can't read the future," Hinata admitted. "B-but I can tell you that apparently the baby i-is going to be… to be… um… given up, as in… adopted."

"Okay." Sasuke was only slightly disappointed. He would have liked to see his children grow up but they probably wouldn't want such an odious character for a father.

Hinata furrowed her brows. "Uchiha-kun… are… aren't you upset?"

Sasuke shook his head. "It's better for them this way."

Tsunade's loud voice became apparent in the silence afterwards: "Geez, just like I told Naruto: a very unhealthy 1.8 kilograms. It was a bitch to just get him to even breathe."

Tsunade walked into the waiting room with a white bundle in her arms. Sakura immediately jumped up to meet it. Hinata also put down her things and went to have a look at the newborn in the white blankets. Sakura took it from Tsunade and cuddled it. Hinata was too shy to cuddle the baby, even though it was just an infant. Sasuke's eyes widened when Sakura brought it over and held it out for him to take.

"Here, Sasuke, don't you want to hold your son?"

Sasuke began to reach for him but he hesitated. He held his hands out and let Sakura place the baby in his arms and instruct him on how to hold it. He gazed at the baby boy in his arms. It was amazing. The baby was so tiny and a little bit thin but he was Sasuke's baby… he was Sasuke's first son. His eyes were pitch black just like his own but his hair was as golden as Naruto's. He stared at Sasuke curiously and fearfully. Sasuke smiled and stroked the fine, spiked hair on his head. "Hey you, why do you look so scared? I'll never hurt you."

Sakura placed a hand to her chest at the sight of Sasuke cuddling a baby like that. Hinata blushed and pressed her fingers together. "Isn't it cute, Hinata?" Sakura whispered. Hinata nodded.

"So," Sai interrupted. Sakura and Hinata both sighed now that the beautiful and intimate moment was broken along with Sasuke's attention on the baby. "Have you given any thought to what you might name him, traitor?"

Sasuke glared at Sai. But he knew what he was saying was true and important. He hadn't given any thought to the baby's name. What should the baby be called? Should he be given a namesake? Sasuke could name him after his late father Fugaku, or his brother's deceased friend Shisui. Those names didn't seem fitting for a baby with such a bright face. "I think I'll let Naruto decide." Sakura was awed again.

"Shouldn't his eyes be blue?" Kakashi asked. The moment was broken again. "Their eyes are supposed to be blue when they're born, aren't they?"

"There are special exceptions for a Bloodline Limit like the Sharingan," Tsunade explained. Kakashi nodded.

Sasuke looked down when the baby started to tug on his shirt. He fisted his tiny hands in the coarse material and tried to put it in his mouth and suck it. "Um… what's he doing?"

Sakura giggled. "Aw, it looks like he's hungry. It's time for his first feed."

* * *

Deidara and Kisame rushed through the forest as fast as it was possible for two injured ninja no matter how great in skill. Deidara continuously looked over his shoulder. _"Damn it, un! What's he doing here? What is he even doing, un?"_

Deidara stopped and jumped out of the way just as a kunai flew past and almost hit him. Kisame also stopped, wondering why his partner was stopping. He turned and looked at their pursuer. His eyes widened.

"Itachi…?"

* * *

Sasuke tried to insist on having Sakura feed his baby but Sakura also insisted on Sasuke feeding him. Even Kakashi tried to convince Sasuke to feed his own child. So now Sasuke watched his son drinking slowly from his bottle. Tsunade even smiled at that. Maybe Sasuke was able to change just like Naruto had thought.

"That's very cute Sasuke," she said, taking the baby and rubbing his back to produce a tiny burp. "But don't get too attached right now, I've already arranged for a couple to adopt him." She frowned when Sasuke looked away. "Look, it's the only thing I can do. You and Naruto are going to be going through a lot of problems right now and you won't be able to take care of him. They're going to come and look at him tomorrow."

Sasuke sighed.

Akai and Shizune walked back into the waiting room after a shower. Shizune's black kimono didn't show anything but splashes of blood could be seen on Akai's kimono. Akai sighed and slumped down onto a seat. Shizune leaned against the wall. Sasuke suddenly got up and ran into the operating room. Akai tried to hold him back, yelling, "Stop, Uchiha. You can't see him yet."

Sasuke ignored him and ran straight into the room. Naruto looked almost sad hooked up to a life support system and a heart monitor again. Sasuke's heart began to race as he approached Naruto's bedside. He stood by Naruto's bed again and held his hand. A wave of sadness suddenly crashed onto Sasuke as a sense of déjà vu became apparent. As the heart monitor started to slow down more tears began to fall. He raised Naruto's hand to his cheek and caressed it. "Naruto… I'm really sorry. I should just crawl under some rock and die. You certainly don't deserve a person like me as your friend and I don't deserve you, even if that's what you want. It's true that you don't always get what you want in life. I'm most sorry about that… you're about to miss out on what you want because of me." Naruto reached up to his oxygen mask and started to pull it down. Sasuke gasped and tried to push it back up to Naruto's mouth. "Naruto, don't do that! You need that to breathe."

"Sasuke… you're standing on the tube…"

The heart monitor faded into a low, spaced tone and finally cut out.

* * *

Anything from this point onwards and including this point is either just cute, or trying to justify the logic in this story. Only two more chapters until the end.


	13. Chapter 13

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Thirteen: Maboroshi**

Uchiha Sasuke wasn't usually clumsy or stupid but there were a few occasions when grace and intelligence evaded him, such as this one. As it turns out, when Sasuke burst into the room his foot caught on numerous cables and tubes the pulled them from their places. He'd almost had a spaz attack when he thought Naruto had died. Akai and Tsunade had to tear him away from Naruto's bedside and tell him that the blond was completely fine and he was overreacting. Sasuke was relieved that Naruto was okay but he still couldn't sleep that night.

He snuck into the hospital and found his baby. Sasuke compared him by sight to every other baby in the nursery and found that Tsunade was right, the boy was a very tiny baby and very thin. He considered even kidnapping his own son, but he decided not to be stupid. He simply cradled his baby like he thought a father would.

"Oi, Sasuke!"

Sasuke gasped and spun around. He came face-to-face with Tsunade. She glared at him with her arms akimbo. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked. "I told you not to get too attached."

"I couldn't help it," Sasuke replied. "Something kept me up."

Tsunade nodded for him to continue.

"I confronted Naruto in Suna not too long ago. Back then, he told me that there were twins. Where's his sibling?"

Tsunade sighed and her shoulders dropped. "Actually, they were triplets at first but something started to go wrong and… it wasn't long before the first one died. The second followed at some point while in Suna. It didn't seem right. They were going well; even though they were underweight they shouldn't have just died. When I finally removed them during the birth I discovered the awful truth."

Sasuke gulped. "What?"

Tsunade shook her head. "I don't understand it… perhaps you'll make better sense of it."

Tsunade gestured for Sasuke to follow her. She took him through double doors at the back of the room that led into something like an emergency ward for babies. They walked between the rows of infants hanging onto their lives to a pair of cribs against the back wall. One large white sheet had been thrown over them. The baby moaned in his sleep. Sasuke looked down and realised that his arms were shaking. Not only his arms; his whole body quivered. Under that sheet lay the truth about his son's siblings. With a hesitant hand, Tsunade pulled the blanket away.

Sasuke swallowed thickly to fight the urge to vomit.

They weren't contained in cribs; they lay in containers with plastic lids: two foetuses at different stages in their growth, mangled and still bloody. The smallest one was only about the length of Sasuke's palm. It had skin so transparent that every organ could be seen. Its heart was missing and its neck was punctured. Its giant, alien-like eyes were dull. A tiny organ that looked like the missing heart was placed next to its head. The other looked like it was almost ready to become a full infant. This one could be identified as a male. His neck was also severely wounded and some of his bones appeared broken. There was enough solid skin to show bruising. His eyelids were closed but by his head were a pair of eyeballs with red irises. Sasuke's hand flew to his mouth. Tsunade noticed him starting to hyperventilate and replaced the sheet.

"What do you think?" she murmured.

"How frightening…" Sasuke said, shutting his eyes. "This looks like… he may have been born with that ability…"

"What ability?"

"The special ability," Sasuke explained, "that the Uchiha Clan could only attain by murdering their friends and brothers."

Tsunade's eyes widened. "The ability that Uchiha Madara had?"

Sasuke nodded. "Godaime… never, ever let him find out, at least not until he's a man. Don't let him find out about the Uchiha's fate of murder and power. When I rebuild the Uchiha Clan I want it to change."

Tsunade nodded.

"Also… would you please allow Naruto at least a little bit of time with his son? It's likely that they will never see each other again."

* * *

Naruto awoke early in the morning to the sound of a baby crying but the first thing he noticed was Konohamaru's face. "Oi, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at school today?"

"It's Saturday."

"Then why aren't you sleeping in?"

"I couldn't wait to see your baby. He's so adorable! He almost looks like you." Naruto looked over to Moegi and Udon in the middle of the room trying to quieten a crying baby. "The last time I saw a baby it was always screaming," Konohamaru said. "What's his name?"

"He doesn't have a name yet," Naruto confessed.

Moegi gasped excitedly. "Name him Daisuke! Like that hot guy from the movie I saw the other week."

"I think a better name would be Nobita," Udon said with a nod. "It means that he will grow up to be really smart and successful."

"Nobita is a nerd's name! Everyone at school will tease him if he's nerdy," Moegi argued, throwing her hands in the air. Naruto noticed a brightly coloured package in her hand. "He needs a cool name. If he's got a cool name girls will like him better."

"Girls will like him if he's smart too!"

"They'll like him even better if he's cool."

"No they won't!"

"Moegi," Naruto interrupted. The argument stopped abruptly. "What have you got? Is that a present for me?"

"No, it's for the baby. I got it a birthday present! It's a mobile with charms on it. If you hang it over his bed the charms will chase all the bad dreams away. And if it falls apart when he's older he can always make a necklace out of it."

Naruto netted his fingers and stared at her, deep in thought. His eyebrows furrowed and he frowned deeply. Moegi was about to apologise, thinking she'd said something wrong but Naruto was quick to lift his head and smile. "Would you guys please help me out of bed? I want to go and talk to Tsunade but my pelvis was fractured during birth."

"Then don't worry about getting up," Konohamaru said. "We'll bring Godaime-sama here!" Naruto smiled gratefully.

Tsunade entered Naruto's room looking annoyed but she was actually thankful that Naruto needed to see her because it meant that she didn't have to do any work for a moment. She met Naruto in bed cradling his baby tenderly. She sighed and took the baby from his arms, even though he cried. "Naruto, I told you not to get too attached."

"I don't know how he got here," Naruto said quickly. "He was here this morning. But there is something important I want to talk to you about… it's about his name…"

Tsunade sighed sadly. "I'm sorry Naruto, that's actually for his new parents to decide."

"Please! Just think of this as one last request. I know you won the bet and all but I really want my baby to have this name." Naruto wiped a tear from his eye and sobbed. Tsunade caved in. She sat down on the edge of his bed and handed his baby back to him. "I want him to be called Maboroshi."

"I'll see what I can do. You know if his adopted parents decide rename him there's nothing I can do then but we'll see." Naruto nodded and tried to rock his baby back to quietness. "Naruto, I've got to admit that even I haven't heard a baby cry so quietly, but I think he might be hungry or wet."

Naruto passed the baby back to Tsunade. She went to take care of it but was blocked at the door by Team 10. Ino also had a brightly coloured package in her hands. Her eyes brightened when she saw the adorable baby boy. She switched responsibility of the present to Shikamaru and asked to hold the baby. She rocked it gently in her arms like a real mother but she was in complete awe.

"Look at him; he's so tiny and cute!" Ino squealed.

Tenten shoved Shikamaru and Chouji out of the way to get a look at Naruto's newborn son armed with a bright present under her arm. Lee and Gai burst in after her. Lee squealed like a little girl when he saw the tiny baby.

"Yosh! It's so perfect!"

"Of course, Lee," Gai exclaimed. "A baby is the perfect living example of youth that ever existed. It's the product of love between the two who share it in their most glorious youthful moment and that is the most beautiful thing about it!"

The company of the room (besides Lee) stared in shock, wondering if Gai knew what his words even meant. Lee, however, burst into joyous tears. "Gai-sensei, you are completely right! And it's so adorable and innocent too."

"Yes, Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

The others turned around and left the green spandex freaks to their senseless yelling. Neji sat on the edge of Naruto's bed, having reluctantly decided to be there, and placed a chocolate cake with white icing on Naruto's bed tray. "Hinata made it and insisted that I bring it because I didn't have a present for you or your baby."

Shikamaru put a vase of assorted flowers from Ino's family florist on Naruto's bed tray. He also sat down at the end of Naruto's bed and sighed. "Man, this is way too troublesome."

Naruto huffed and glared at Shikamaru. "I'm sure your future wife would be happy if you gave birth instead." Shikamaru's eyes widened and he paled. Naruto grinned. Sometimes Shikamaru was too lazy for his own good.

Akamaru suddenly raced into the room barking and running around Ino and Tenten's legs. If that didn't herald the coming of Kiba then the loud "whoop!" followed by a trolley crashing out in the hall did. Kiba crawled into the room with pills falling out of his clothes. Tsunade grabbed Kiba by the front of his shirt and shook him furiously.

"Damn it, Kiba! This is a hospital! You can't tear around here like it's your backyard!"

"I'm too excited! I wanna see the baby!"

"Hokage-sama," said Shino, looking cool and calm as usual. "Please, excuse Kiba. You know he's not very good at following the rules sometimes and is very excitable. We all just want to see the new baby."

"Cool, there's a cake!" Kiba shouted. Akamaru barked excitedly and jumped up onto Naruto's bed. Neji grabbed the cake and held it behind his back.

Hinata and Sakura approached Naruto's room with Konohamaru and company right behind them. Sakura had her present neatly wrapped in gold foil, Moegi still had hers in hand but Hinata hadn't wrapped hers up. She held a colourful folded blanket up close to her chest and blushed at the thought of giving it to Naruto in person. Sakura tutted as they got closer. "Geez, it sounds like someone's throwing a rager! Don't some people know how to act in a hospital?"

Sakura stormed into Naruto's room and screamed for quiet… which caused Naruto's already frightened baby to start screaming. Tsunade sighed and took the baby away, leaving all of the room's occupants to their party. "Okay, it looks like most people are here," Sakura declared, "So, Konohamaru, would you please go and fetch a knife so we can cut the cake?"

* * *

Iruka followed Kakashi and Sai into the hospital nervously. He shifted the bowl wrapped in cloth to be behind his back so the nurses wouldn't notice – since he wasn't sure that he was supposed to bring food from outside into the hospital. Both Kakashi and Sai didn't seem like they were planning to talk to him at all so they walked in silence. As they reached Naruto's room Iruka noticed Tsunade coming from the opposite direction. Kakashi took no notice and went straight into the hospital room but Sai stopped. Tsunade looked up from the baby boy and halted in front of Sai and Iruka. Sai smiled.

"So, that's the baby belonging to the dick-less wonder."

Iruka was just a little bit shocked at the rude comment Sai had just made. But then again, Naruto had mentioned that his newest team-mate was a bastard who thought insulting people was somewhat humorous. Tsunade didn't seem to pay any mind to the comment and nodded.

"May I hold it?"

Tsunade passed Sai the baby. Sai's hold on him was awkward but he really was trying to do it right. He stared at the baby's face and his cheeks lit up with pink. "Wow… it's very pretty."

Tsunade's eyebrows rose. "You really think so, Sai?"

Sai nodded. "I've never actually seen a real baby before. It's really pretty." He attempted to walk with him and take him into the room. Tsunade stopped him.

"I think it's better if I walk with the baby."

Inside the room the raucous from before was dieing down. The cake was completely finished, much to Iruka and Tsunade's disappointment and it looked like the girls were getting ready to present Naruto with their baby gifts. Ino insisted that her gift went first while Chouji finished off the crumbs of Hinata's cake. When Naruto opened it he was a bit sceptical about it. "Um… Ino… you gave him flowers."

"But I got a pair of booties and some pyjamas for him too," Ino replied. "And look, there's even a little hat and a jacket for cold days. I decided red would be a nice colour for him."

"Yeah, but you've got these toy flowers with smiley faces. Don't you think that's a bit weird?"

"Well, I always thought that little kids liked flowers, regardless of their gender."

Naruto sighed, letting that explanation sit well with him and placed the gift to the side. Moegi stepped up next and put her gift next to Ino's. "I've already told you what it is, so you don't have to open it now if you don't want to."

"Here, then open mine!" Tenten shoved her present into Naruto's lap for him to open. Naruto certainly didn't expect this present.

"You brought kunai for the baby? Tenten, I don't think-"

"Those kunai actually mean a lot to me," Tenten explained. "They're all the first kunai I ever had. See, the first two are the first weapons I ever had, they're blunt and plastic and I've had them since I was a baby. That wooden one is the first kunai I ever threw, that's the first proper training kunai I got and then there's the first real kunai I held. I thought it would be cool if your baby had them so that he'll grow up to be a great ninja and weapon master."

Sakura placed her gift with Moegi's unopened. "It's just nice bottles and spoons and other stuff to feed him. I'll just let you open it when you want."

Naruto nodded. Iruka stared at Naruto. Everyone had held a party for him and his new baby but Naruto looked very upset. He just had a baby. Most people were happy about that.

Hinata nervously approached Naruto with a push from Ino. She cuddled the blanket in her arms and blushed when Naruto looked at her. "We-well na-Naruto-kun… I made this b-blanket for him, b-but I-I didn't know what a good colour would be… so I made it every colour I could think of." Hinata unfolded the blanket and presented Naruto with many different coloured squares with a story of a fox and a rabbit being told through the different patches.

"Um… Hinata… that's a little bit big for a baby blanket." Even though he'd said that, Iruka could see him smiling.

"I-I know… b-but I wanted to make something th-that he would like. I d-don't know what c-colour he'll like when he's older, s-so I did a little bit of everything."

"That must have been a lot of hard work."

"Oh, no, d-d-don't think that! I was really happy t-to do it for you, n-Naruto-kun." Hinata blushed even more (if that was possible) and folded up her blanket. She placed it on Naruto's lap.

"Thanks, Hinata," Naruto said.

* * *

Tsunade eventually kicked everyone out of the room when visiting hours were over but left an exception for Iruka. Iruka sat down next to Naruto as he finally opened the last two presents. "Naruto…" Iruka said as Naruto played with the mobile charms in the sunlight, "I haven't seen you in a while. You apparently went away."

"Yeah," Naruto sighed.

"You know, for someone who just had a baby you don't look very pleased. Do you have post-natal depression?"

"No. Tomorrow afternoon two strangers are going to come and adopt my baby. It's very likely that I'll never be able to see him again." Tears began to roll down Naruto's cheeks again. Iruka pulled Naruto into a hug.

"It's okay Naruto. Maybe this wasn't the best time to have a baby." Iruka placed the bowl he brought on Naruto's bed tray next to all the opened gifts from the girls. "Here, I brought this for you. It might be a little cold now. It's curry rice. I would have brought ramen but I was afraid that it'd get soggy on the way here. Actually, how about this: as soon as you get out of here I'll treat you to Ichiraku's."

"Thank-you, Iruka-sensei, I'd like that a lot. I haven't had ramen in a really long time but I bet Ichiraku's still tastes as good as it used to."

"Don't worry; I did a taste test at lunch time." Iruka grinned and Naruto mirrored it.

The light mood was interrupted by the window sliding open by itself and Sasuke jumping into the room with a grace only he could possess. He scanned the room once and approached Naruto's bed. "Iruka-sensei, I'm sorry but I would also like to speak to Naruto in private and I don't really want to have to come back later."

"That's alright, I was about to leave anyway," Iruka replied. "Visiting hours are already over, and I need to think about dinner for myself."

Sasuke nodded as Iruka left the room. He turned to Naruto as the blond put his presents to the side and started to eat his curry rice. "Naruto… I… I'm not really sure why I came; I just wanted to have a talk with you."

"That's okay," Naruto said.

Sasuke sighed. "I know we should have a lot to talk about but I can't think of anything."

"We don't have a lot to talk about. There's nothing to say."

"Yes there is!" Sasuke snapped. "A lot has happened between us. I don't think it's right to just kiss and make up."

"Why not?" Naruto looked up, challenging his ex-best friend. "We both know what happened right down to the last detail. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm giving up my first baby, which I had with you, and you come here and say: 'let's hate each other forever because we don't deserve to be friends anymore'! You never seem to learn anything."

"Naruto, you can't just brush off everything that happened in the past like it doesn't matter anymore! I'm supposed to be in custody in Hokage Tower and I'm probably facing a life sentence in gaol or death at the worst. I'm in a lot of trouble."

"And whose fault is that? That's your fault. You ran away and became allied with Orochimaru because you wanted to kill your brother that badly. What's the rush? He's still not dead, you know."

"Shut up! I know, okay!" Sasuke shouted. He wiped his tears away with his sleeve. "I haven't cried since Itachi killed our clan. You're the only other person who ever made me cry."

Naruto didn't reply.

"I just need to be here, Naruto. I don't have a future to look forward to."

"Yes you do…" Naruto almost whispered. Sasuke sniffed and looked at him. "As long as you're here in the present there's always a future to look at. You've still got me, you still have Sakura and I think she still cares about you. Even though she tries to move on, she really loves you. Hey, maybe you even have Itachi if he's still around."

"Even if you are crippled, don't make jokes like that." Sasuke smiled anyway. "I saw the way you were looking at Hinata. You almost made me jealous."

Naruto's eyes widened. "You weren't there!"

"I was hiding. Isn't Hinata… very weird?"

"I think she's weird… but it's a nice kind of weird," Naruto confessed. "She's one of those people who you like because she's weird. And when she blushes – even though I have no idea why she does it – she looks really cute. And she's got this really cool face…" Naruto was starting to blush now, "that's warm and cool at the same time. It gives you the feeling that it's the middle of April in the middle of October or like it's a snow day in the middle of a heatwave. Then there's that smile that says everything will be alright… just wait and see."

"I see…" Sasuke murmured. "I should probably get back to Hokage Tower. That new Hokage might send me through the roof if I'm gone any longer."

"Hey, hey, I've already told you about my love life! You need to tell me yours!"

By then Sasuke was already gone.

"By the way, I named him!" Naruto yelled to his open window, hoping Sasuke could hear him. "His name is Maboroshi now! Don't let Tsunade-baa-chan tell you otherwise!"

Sasuke caught Naruto's voice on the wind and smiled.


	14. Chapter 14

**Morbid Humour**

**Chapter Fourteen: The Id and I**

Sasuke walked into the Hokage's office through the door rather than the window. The Hokage was sitting at her desk doing paperwork under Shizune's watchful eye with her ANBU stationed at various points in her office. She looked up from her tedious work and sighed with relief. "Thank God you decided to come back, Uchiha, I was afraid I would have to do paperwork all afternoon."

"So what am I down for?" Sasuke snapped, wanting to get this over and done with.

"Down for? I haven't put you down for anything."

Sasuke looked up confusedly. "What?"

"I'm being flooded with pleas to let you go free – in some sense – since you were considered to be our village's most popular claim to fame. We had a larger turnout of Daimyos and their families in the Chuunin Exams when you competed compared to any other Chuunin Exam and even though most of the ninja—particularly the shinobi—don't really like you, I'll admit that I have a liking towards you. But that's only because you are Naruto's friend. On the other hand, the Council also agreed to my decision. They're eager to have the Sharingan back in Konoha and have implied that reviving the Uchiha Clan is in their best interest as well as the village."

"You're kidding! This is completely ridiculous!" Sasuke shouted.

"What? You don't want to go free? I can send you to a life sentence in prison, or death," Tsunade replied coolly. "Or would you rather a life sentence with your brother?"

"I don't care what you do as long as you punish me," Sasuke retorted.

A breeze blew in when the window opened. Sasuke gasped when he saw the person jumping in was his brother. Itachi courteously closed the window behind him and hung his battered cloak over his arm. Sasuke's eyes darted around the room, waiting for the ANBU to attack, but they all held their positions even as Itachi sat on the edge of Tsunade's desk and smiled warmly at his little brother. Sasuke seethed.

"What are you doing here?" Sasuke hissed. "Why are you letting him come here? He's an S-Class criminal! So kill him!"

"Sorry, Sasuke, I can't do that," Tsunade replied.

"What do you mean? He betrayed Konoha like I did."

"But you're being allowed to live, so give me a chance to explain." Tsunade sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"What's there to explain?"

Itachi coughed.

"Who do you think Jiraiya's referee for all of his crucial information was?" asked Tsunade. "He certainly doesn't have the attention span to do it himself."

Sasuke threw a kunai at his brother which was dodged with ease and flew through the glass window. Itachi raised an eyebrow. "I haven't said anything," he stated.

"Itachi has secretly been selling out Akatsuki to outside sources, mainly to us," Tsunade explained. "For that reason the Council has decided to give him slight pardon."

"You tried to take Naruto! You killed our entire clan!" Sasuke exclaimed, pointing another kunai at Itachi. "Don't tell me this means nothing to you, _Hokage_ – if you can even call yourself that! Or was that all fake too? Are you about to suddenly tell me that mom and dad are still alive?"

"No," Itachi sighed.

"Then what are you doing back here?"

"Ah… sorry," Itachi mumbled.

"It's too late to be sorry, Itachi."

"I'm not sorry about killing everyone. I'm sorry that it turned out this way but that's my fault because I expected you to be more intelligent. You're not the same as me and I forgot that. But watching you attempt to surpass me was still amusing while it lasted."

"Exactly how often do you spy on me?"

Itachi put his coat down and walked over to Sasuke who took a defensive step backwards. The older brother wrapped his arms tightly around Sasuke's waist and lifted him off his feet. Sasuke sucked in a pained breath. "This isn't the place to talk about it." Itachi turned to the Hokage. "May I?"

"Hey, I-" Tsunade started.

"As a favour?"

Tsunade stopped. She inhaled a deep breath, ready to berate him or something, but sighed in defeat instead. Sasuke looked confused.

"What the hell is all of that about?" he asked.

Tsunade grinned sheepishly and giggled. "Well… it's a bit like… uh… Itachi was giving me money while he was with the Akatsuki as favours."

"Itachi lent you money?" Sasuke and Shizune exclaimed at the same time.

"No, he _gave_ me money," Tsunade clarified. "It was particularly helpful with my gambling debts and fees and I have to admit… I kind of miss the allowance."

Sasuke snorted. _"And everyone thinks Konoha is going to Hell when Naruto becomes Hokage."

* * *

_

"You have a really nice apartment," Itachi commented as he walked in. Sasuke snorted and tried to ignore it.

Itachi surveyed his surroundings. The living and kitchen space was very compact but spacious enough to comfortably accommodate a family of four. It was a little bit too modern for his tastes, though. He started to explore the house, making his way to Sasuke's bedroom.

"Stay here," Sasuke barked. Itachi put his hand on the door handle, just to tease. "I said don't go anywhere, especially not in there."

"You know, you've been away for so long and left this apartment abandoned… it's very clean, considering…"

"This block has a janitorial service," Sasuke explained. "The janitors come every month as long as the apartment is neat and the manager pays them."

"That's very convenient."

"Sit down," Sasuke commanded.

Itachi obediently left Sasuke's bedroom door. He sat down at the traditional Japanese table made of modern stainless steel. He placed his hands on his lap and stared at the stainless steel tabletop critically while Sasuke prepared the tea. They shared a silence except for the whistling of the kettle and the tick of Sasuke's wall clock. Sasuke brought his attention back to the table when he put a cloth coaster and a hot cup of green tea down in front of him and took his seat on the opposite side of the table. Sitting down was a slow and painful effort for Itachi's little brother. Itachi was almost amused.

"You're actually faring very well… you were only injured two days ago."

"Konoha has some of the most competent medics, even by the standards of other nations. It feels like I've been healed a week in advance."

"Kanpai," they murmured in unison.

The table fell back to silence. Itachi sipped his tea and stared at Sasuke. He didn't touch his own tea; he just glared at Itachi warily. Itachi flashed a warm smile in Sasuke's direction and Sasuke scoffed at it. "You know," Itachi piped up, "I think there's something missing… you don't have dango, do you?"

"I thought you made me bring you here so that you could tell me something important," Sasuke snapped back, slamming his fist against the table. The tea splashed up to the rim of the cups but didn't overflow. "And no, I have no dango! I hate sweets!"

"I thought you liked things that were sweet."

"Tell me what you needed to say and then get out."

"Won't you even let me finish my tea?"

"No."

"This place you live in here… it's very nice."

Sasuke rose from his seat, albeit slowly, and pointed to the door. "Out… now."

"I'm trying to make my point."

"You're teasing me!"

"I was serious... this apartment, this village, this country…"

Sasuke growled but kept his desire to kick something under control. "I heard this years ago… clans, tribes, villages: they're all containers that restrict imagination and shallow out the container of your own self. I get it."

"That's not even half of it," Itachi corrected. "No matter how deep the container of your self can only hold that much: yourself, and your imagination. Unlike your self your imagination relies on innovation and inspiration. And no matter how deep your own container is, it's mass and density is perfectly proportionate to your body. Humans are like lots of little containers in a big wide space. Like power, imagination and self-stability have limits which are also proportionate, not to freedom, to other limits such as your clan, your village, your country and even the limits of other people's containers. In your mind you can be caged by these limits but in your imagination the possibility of the limits your mind and body are contained within allows it to expand to its eventual completion. When all limits are taken out of place the imagination weakens and may even fall into anarchy – which might upset your mind. The Mangekyo relies on the strength of your imagination to function at its peak."

Sasuke remained silent. He sat back down and glared at his brother coldly. He'd worked so hard to keep his temper under control but now it flared and his Sharingan was activated on impulse while Itachi's remained deactivated. Sasuke threw his tea at Itachi and all over the table (managing to miss the nice tatami… somehow). Itachi winced slightly when the hot tea hit him in the chest and face.

"You bastard!" Sasuke yelled. "Are you telling me you made a mistake? You made a small miscalculation? Oh, if only you could see the expression on your face now! You don't even seem realise the gravity of what you've done! You made a mistake and killed the entire Uchiha Clan and left me all alone to get strong enough to beat the living party lights out of you – the very thought of which led me to desperation; I was so desperate to get rid of you that I even threw myself at Orochimaru's feet for power! Do you understand what could have happened if you had never done that? I could have been happy for the rest of my life. Our mother and father could have still been alive. Sakura could have had a chance with me. Naruto would have never gotten pregnant! This is all your fault!"

"I did kill the clan for a reason, Sasuke," Itachi snapped. "I hated it!"

Sasuke flinched at the unusual tone of Itachi's voice. His gaze travelled down to his big brother's hands, which were starting to shake. His eyes widened.

"I had a reason to kill the clan… it doesn't relate to the power I have. Hate… that's all it was really; blind hatred for everyone except you. I hated mom and dad… I hated the elders… I hated our grandparents and our aunts and uncles… I even hated Shisui to an extent. It hurt too much to live up to all of their expectations. I didn't want to be the pride of the clan.

"I remember when you were born and I held you for the first time. You looked more perfect than I ever thought I could be and I refused to give you back. I told mom: 'it's not your baby, it's mine'. I wanted to keep you to myself and spend the rest of my life loving you like you were my baby. It was the most immature thing I'd said that year and our father hit me for it. When you first got sick as a toddler I didn't want to go to school so that I could stay and look after you but father hit me, yelled at me and dragged me to school. When I wanted to stay home and play with you on Sunday morning father would slap me and lecture me about my training and the pride I brought to the Uchiha Clan for being a genius.

"You were too young to remember these things and as you grew older I got these ideas that there was something forbidden to me. Every time I wanted to prove that I loved you more than our parents did I was beaten. The more I trained under a teacher from the clan the ideas were reinforced. When I advanced in ninja rank the taboo was emphasised even more and one day I thought I could confess to my best friend… that was Uchiha Shisui. I told him that I had these feelings and he said that I was too smart to have feelings like those I felt for my baby brother. I… I started to break inside.

"I often wondered if that was possible. The ideas unravelled revealing new thoughts under the folds – ideas I found ludicrous: if, according to Shisui and the clan, it was so impossible for me to have any feelings then why did I feel that way about you? Since when was it impossible for an intelligent ninja to feel anything? The ideas were so contradictory; everything was falling into little cracks, which turned into little holes and then into bigger holes. From that point onwards everything just seemed to mean less and less. The clan… its meaning to me disappeared. I didn't even know what I was doing there anymore. Everything that I had grown accustomed to as a child didn't make sense to me. It was like I'd woken up into a completely new reality. It all drove me insane.

"Then it all started to happen. I killed Shisui. I couldn't stand everything he'd said about me. I hated it when he said he envied my genius. I hated father for putting you down. Mom just patronised you all the time. Everyone treated you like you were the angel who was wronged by the gods because _I_ was the one who was expected to treat you like dirt! Since I was the most intelligent ninja the village has ever seen, I was supposed to look down my nose at a little brother who didn't know how to tie knots until he was six. So everyone could find a way to criticise me.

"No one wanted to love me the way they all loved you. I was the bad big brother because you were never meant to defeat me. I wasn't allowed to stand down or stop.

"Then I lost it… the broken pieces of my soul started to slip through my fingers and as I tried to save the pieces I was losing I lost even more. That's when I started the massacre. But then I felt so guilty because of you. I couldn't kill you too. I wanted to die for what I did. I wanted you to do it. That's why I wanted you to hate me."

Itachi chuckled and looked down at his shaky hands. "It turned out that that was my biggest weakness in the end. I would never kill you. And then that perverted old toad hermit used all of this to blackmail me into helping him and the rest of Konoha. You see, _otouto_, Akatsuki aren't ordinary missing-nin. Our hitai-atae don't only mean that we've cut ties with our village to be criminals, they mean that we couldn't let go of them. The shrapnel from our pasts are tearing us apart. Nobody sleeps. Yet we still dream and we're haunted by everything we've tried to leave behind. And in the end, we're all just crazy. We are psychopaths and we are completely insane."

Sasuke sighed, finally defeated. He knew Itachi wasn't right in the head. Even at a young age of seven he was above other children and his untrained eyes could easily see the obvious signs of mental instability in his brother. But he was overcome by the selfish desire to beat Itachi and an inferiority complex that pined for his father's love. All of a sudden he regretted throwing tea at him.

"I suppose you'll want me to leave now." Itachi started to get up.

"No… stay."

Itachi froze and stared at his brother. It was amazing enough that Sasuke hadn't tried to kill him since they left the Hokage's office and now Sasuke wanted him to stay?

"I can take care of you and maybe I can do something right this time." Sasuke righted his empty cup. "Go and clean up… I'll be at the hospital."

* * *

Naruto tried to rock Maboroshi to sleep that night but the baby boy just didn't seem to want to go to sleep. He wasn't crying, he wasn't hungry, he was changed only five minutes ago but he just didn't want to sleep. Naruto, on the other hand, was beginning to grow very tired. Maboroshi stared at him impassively. He hadn't mastered emotions yet but he was starting to get the hang of using his hands. He patted his father on the chest. Naruto was jerked from his half-sleeping state. Maboroshi may have been small and skinny and not very vocal or emotional but he was stronger than the other babies in the ward. He'd hit Tsunade in the face that morning when she tried to make him burp. Naruto couldn't be prouder of his little boy.

"Having trouble?"

Naruto couldn't say he'd ever been more relieved to hear Sasuke's voice. "Where were you three hours ago? I'm so tired my eyes feel like they're going to fall out."

Sasuke took Maboroshi from Naruto and cuddled him close to his chest. "So now his name is Maboroshi, huh?"

"Tsunade has the scroll… I don't know what she did with it but it's been eating away at me all day. That scroll was really precious to my dad, I'm pretty sure. And I'm also sure that it belongs to me!"

"It's your father's heirloom," Sasuke said factually. "Of course it belongs to you now."

Naruto's eyes widened in surprise that Sasuke knew about his father's heirloom like that. But he decided that it was a good thing. It looked like Sasuke would be on his side again.

"The Godaime made a decision," Sasuke announced. "She said that I'm allowed to go free on one condition… that I spend a period of probation stapled to your side all hours of the day."

"Oh… that's alright…" Naruto muttered… then the gravity of the situation hit him. "What! No, you can't be stapled to me all day and night! I live in an apartment! There's only one bed made for one person! My apartment is puny! I don't have room for a roommate!"

"You can live with me. I still have my apartment. Even though it turns out that Itachi is staying… I think we'll eventually work something out."

"I thought you hated Itachi."

"I said we'll eventually work something out."

Naruto smiled and fell back onto his pillow. He sighed with contentment when Sasuke sat on the edge of his bed and tipped the mattress slightly. In only mere seconds sleep had completely taken over him. Sasuke rocked Maboroshi and cooed in his ear to calm the infant down. Maboroshi's eyes began to droop and he yawned as widely as he could before falling asleep in seconds like Naruto. Sasuke turned to display his achievements to his re-established friend but found him fast asleep. Instead of waking him, Sasuke smiled and stroked Naruto's head.

The world was far from perfect. There would be adjustment pains in the following weeks and months. Naruto had to move in, Itachi would be hanging around and this baby – this beautiful, dangerous baby – was going to be given to a civilian couple, to grow up blithe and carefree. His world wasn't perfect, but…

"_Finally, a chance to be at peace,"_ he thought. _"I'd have given anything…"

* * *

_Yes people, that's right, this is the final chapter! Unfortunately, Naruto and Sasuke don't get to keep their baby, they'll have to piece their lives back together first. I've got a plan for a sequel that will definitely be written (it won't be accurate with the real storyline, but it will be written). It's sort of funny how you can write a fanfiction with some decent logic, and then your storyline goes out the window when the manga-ka develops his story more and you may find you were even contradicted. That is sometimes so annoying. But I wouldn't change it, because Naruto isn't my story, it's Masashi Kishimoto's. For now, the sequel is not going to be written because I want to move on to a different project, but if you're interested, it'll be uploaded under the title: "Maboroshi".

See you then!

=D


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